I like some of what you have done. I still have a few concerns in your lines below:
First, a little bit of sensory confusion...IMO I would rather be walking through soft sand or warm sand than HOT sand. Ouch. Not a nice "feel".
Talking about feel, I have a hard time imagining that I am a tree feeling the breeze rushing through the trees. Also, I've escaped from the world, I don't want to rush any more!!
I can't figure out what a "better way" is. This doesn't paint any picture for me.
My rewrite follows below your original.
Keep at this one!!!
Vic
Somebody put me on a plane to nowhere land
I’ll dance along the beach on hot white sand
and feel the breeze
rushing through the trees
Dreaming and believing in a better way
Too tired to go to work but not to play
Someone put me on a plane to nowhere land
I'll dance along the beach of warm white sand
and hear the breeze
singing through the trees
Dreaming and beleiving in an island way
Too tired to go to work but not to play.....
Posted on Mar 23, 2000, 10:15 PM from IP address 209.183.6.109