Hello Lisa ... three things I'd look at as you work to sharpen these lyrics. First, I can't help but think your singer's going to be gasping for breath. The lines throughout could be significantly shortened, as there are a lot of unnecessary words just marking off beats in the music. Your opening for example, could be boiled down to:
You promised love 'til the end of time
Told me your heart would be only mine
I trusted you and believed again
Only to find deciept was your best friend
If you've got a melody for this, I'll wager that these shorter lines would still fit just fine -- and give you (or whomever) preforms it space to sing through the phrasing for better impact.
Okay, second -- you've got a hook, but right now, there's not much fishing line attached to it, if you take my meaning. The hook isn't your chosen title either, it's the repeated closing lines of your Chorus:
"Breaking my heart was never part of the deal"
So you've told me a lot about what the you in the song did, promised, etc. But a deal implies an agreement between two people -- and there's not enough of what the singer's part of the bargain was to really set your hook. This is really evident in Verse 2 and beyond.
Last, but not least -- there's a little more cliche phrasing in this than makes me comfortable. True, effective songwriting usually blends the fresh/new and the familiar -- but with phrases/rhymes like ...
Till the end of time/always be mine
lie, cheat and steal/part of the deal
... you're a little long on the familiar and short on the fresh/new. Dig around for better words to express these phrases which we've all heard in many songs that have gone before yours.
That's about it ... hope this helps -- and best of luck.
Don Rowe
Posted on Apr 10, 2000, 2:04 PM from IP address 209.145.177.122