But there's something potentially sinister about your hook -- obviously totally unintentional, I'm sure ... but you could interpret your Chorus:
On the other side of forever (once we've killed ourselves)
We're meant to stay together
Let's take the lover's leap (off the train trestle?)
In our river that runs deep
Kinda makes the whole thing creepy if you look at it that way ... I think changing the "lover's leap" line will remove any unpleasant implications -- and pay a bonus of removing a cliche.
Past that, Shannon (and her neato new "thumbs up/down") notes pretty much cover it. Well worth the effort of revision ...
Don Rowe
Posted on Apr 11, 2000, 12:51 PM from IP address 209.145.177.122