Hello Ken, and since I don't think I've looked at your material before -- welcome to The Write Stuff.
There seem to be a lot of words just marking time in the music. So many, in fact, that the metering of the lines verse-to-verse aren't matching up in a way that single musical lines could carry. The number of syllables match up pretty well, but when read aloud, the stresses aren't close enough to sing smoothly.
Also, is there some reason, other than formatting problems, for Verse 2 being one line longer than Verse 1? Definitely look at this issue on the rewrite.
Watch the rhyming patterns as well. The "chat/met" pair in Verse 2 isn't nearly as true a rhyme as the "mine/line" pair you used in the opening. There are a few other places where the rhyme scheme sort of falls apart -- noticeably at the end of the opening sections of each Verse.
In the CHORUS, you've got a pretty common problem in the "address" of the song. Up to the CHORUS, the singer's the one talking. The CHORUS has the girl in the song give lines without warning:
Tell the guys outside your door
*I'm not waiting anymore*
Change the *marked line* to: "You're not waiting anymore" -- that way it won't sound like the singer's up and contradicing himself out of the blue.
Last but not least, you're covering some pretty well-travelled territory here, so watch the cliche phrasing:
"That I could be your shining star"
That one's GOT to go -- based on the rest of this, I'm sure you can scrounge up a fresher phrase than that, yes?
Hope this helps, and do keep writing -- or rather rewriting -- it's what separates the pretenders from the contenders!
Best of luck.
Don Rowe
Posted on May 2, 2000, 1:47 PM from IP address 209.145.177.122
