Hello busy-Gaby! Not to worry ... comment as you have the time. I like a lot of what you've done with the second pass, but now some smaller things are looking larger in the light of the improvements.
Chief amongst these is the need for a set-up rhyme for the hook in the Chorus. Since you're already tentatively planning a (2X) approach for your title line, instead write a hard, true set-up rhyme for the title. I think the results will be much more effective.
One more time -- one doesn't "peel" shards. Sweep up or Sweep away maybe -- but not peel. I promise to leave this one alone from here on out!
I'm not too concerned with the metering on hostage -- it doesn't stike my composing sensibilites as something phrasing couldn't easily carry.
Best of luck ...
Don Rowe
Posted on May 17, 2000, 1:35 PM from IP address 209.145.177.122
