I do like this one. Worked this basic theme once in a song myself. A few fairly minor suggestions...
1. Why not start line 2 with "Or"?
2. You cover the content of your first revised chorus in the bridge section adequately. Why not simply repeat the first chorus again? You need to let them hear a chorus unchanged at least twice, or it isn't really a chorus. I'd even consider repeating that original chorus a final time as a repeat after your current final revised chorus. (Can you make your point adequately without altering the choruses at all? I'm pretty sure you can. I think you got it right the first time, and it doesn't need fixing.)
This lyric is a heart string tugger. It will be well worth the work you put into polishing it.
Skip
P.S. I'm hoping to get back on the lyric boards more now that the meetings are done and school is nearly out for the summer. Glad to see your post.
Posted on May 21, 2000, 10:21 PM from IP address 24.94.94.191