Bait an Oscar Contest: The Official March Oscar Ceremony

Announcer: Live from the Oscar Igloo Forums, it’s the March Oscar Igloo Academy Awards.

(Curtain opens to a screen, the title “The Auditions” and “Written by Al and Zgamer” is seen)

(Inside a casting office, Uwe Boll is sitting at a table with Larry David and Charlie Kaufman.)

Charlie: Okay, so Tim and Felicity didn't want to come back for Ironic Nonfiction 2.

Larry: I think it was the car chase and sexy slumber party scenes that got 'em.

Charlie: But come on! What self-respecting actor wouldn’t want to be in this movie?

Uwe: Well, we're going to audition the best people for the job.

Larry: Yes. And thanks for stepping in on such short notice, Uwe. Alexander didn't like the script much either, but I think it'll be
great in your hands.

Uwe: Yes, I'm so glad to be doing a serious movie. I want to show the world my Oscar-worthy directing talent.

(All snicker)

Uwe: Ha! Kidding.

Larry: Okay, who do we have first?

Charlie: (Looks at forms) Let’s see…The Wicked Witch of the West, Elphaba.

(Elphaba enters. The following scene is set to the tune of "Popular" from Wicked.)

Elphaba: HI

Charlie, Larry and Uwe: HI

Larry: (A bit perplexed) Does anyone hear music right now?

Elphaba: I'M READING FOR "MICHELLE GLOOP"

Charlie: OKAY, MISS ELPHABA, I'M SORRY BUT YOU'RE NOT EXACTLY WHAT WE’RE LOOKING FOR.

Elphaba: YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL ME, I'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE

IT'S CAUSE, CAUSE, CAUSE I'M GREEN

Larry: No, that's not it-

Elphaba: YOU KNOW, THAT'S REALLY MEAN.

Larry: Oh great, she's breaking into song and dance.

(Tune changes to "Defying Gravity")

Elphaba: I'M THROUGH ACCEPTING RACISM

YOU'RE LOOKING FOR A SMASH

JUST 'CAUSE I'M A WICKED WITCH

DOESN'T MEAN MY FILM WILL NOT MAKE LOTS OF CASH!

AND IF YOU'RE GONNA-

Uwe: Next!

Elphaba: Aaugh! (She flies off on her broom.)

Larry: Okay…

Charlie: That was just a bit screwed up.

Uwe: Maybe a little.

Larry: Ok, who do we have next?

Charlie: (Puts on glasses) Mr. Benico Del Toro

(Del Toro walks into the room)

Uwe: Ah, Mr. Del Toro. It's a pleasure to be in your presence.

Del Toro: Thank you.

Uwe: Yes, I loved your work on Pan's Labyrinth last year.

Del Toro: (Looks at him skeptically) Um...thank you? (Sits down and looks off into distance)

Uwe: So, you are here to audition for.....

(The three notice he is not paying attention)

Larry: Something on your mind?

Del Toro: Do you ever just look out the window there and enjoy the beauty of the outdoors?

Charlie: Um, that would be a little irrelevant since...

Del Toro: Like the other day, I saw this girl walking by with a grocery cart...

Uwe: Yes Mr. Del Toro, but the fact is...

Del Toro: (Not paying attention to them) ...that was full of metal cans and such that she pushed...

Larry: Mr. Del Toro, we need to move on...

Del Toro: (Still rambling)... so hard and yet couldn't get up the curb in her way. Do you ever see that out the window?

Charlie: To repeat what I was about to say earlier, that would be irrelevant since there is no window over there to look out
of.

Del Toro: (Squints eyes at the area he was looking) Really?

Uwe: (Puts papers down) I'm sorry, but the part is filled.

Del Toro: I didn't tell you what part I was auditioning for..

Uwe: Well it's filled. Maybe next time.

(Del Toro leaves)

Larry: Well that's two gone.

Charlie: With no regrets. Who's next?

(Jonathan Rhys-Meyers enters)

Charlie: Oh my god! John Lennon!

Jonathan: Uh, no. It's just me, Jonathan Rhys-Meyers.

Uwe: Oh. You know, 'cause…

Jonathan: Yeah. Well, I'm not John Lennon just because I played him in a movie.

Larry: Alright. So who are you reading for?

Jonathan: I was actually hoping to sing something for you.

Charlie: Okay. We could use an actor to do background singing for the wet T-shirt contest scene.

Jonathan: Alright. (Picks up a guitar)

Charlie: Ah man. More singing.

Jonathan: IMAGINE THERE'S NO COUNTRIES

IT ISN'T HARD TO DO

NOTHING TO KILL OR DIE FOR

AND NO RELIGION TOO

Larry: Isn't that a John Lennon song?

Jonathan: Is it? Well, that's cool. Didn't know that. I just like the song. Hey, Yoko!

(Maggie Cheung comes to Jonathan)

Maggie: You did great, sweetie.

Uwe: Come on. Yoko Ono?

Jonathan: No, Yoko Goldstein. She's my girlfriend. Who's Yoko Ono?

Charlie: John Lennon's-Oh, never mind.

Jonathan: So, do you want me to read any lines…?

Uwe: No, no thanks.

(Jonathan leaves with Maggie)

Larry: (whispers) That was creepy.

(Jonathan's voice is heard outside.)

Jonathan: Hey, Jared Leto!

(Gunshots are heard.)

(All three men jump)

Charlie: Oh my gosh!

Uwe: What just happened?

(Tim Robbins suddenly bursts through the door with a revolver)

Robbins: Ok, which one of you a**holes murdered Ryan Glass?

Larry: What happened outside? Is Meyers alright?

Robbins: Yeah he's alright. I just shot Jared Leto.

Charlie: Why?

Robbins: Cause his career went down the tubes after Requiem for a Dream. He should have stayed with Arronofsky for
Flashes instead of letting that showboating Norton get the role.

Larry: But Norton did really well in that role.

Robbins: But he didn't get nominated did he? If Leto stayed with Arronofsky, he could have got nominated for that role.

Uwe: Ok, you're not making much sense here. Are you mad at Arronofsky for choosing Norton or for Leto not staying with Arronofsky?

Robbins: I'm asking the questions here bud! Which one of you did Glass in?

Charlie: What is your problem, man?

Robbins: I haven't had a decent role since Mystic River! That's my problem!

Larry: You mean other than Ironic Nonfiction?

Robbins: (Pauses) Bah, you know what I mean!

Voice: (Outside) Tim! Get out here!

Robbins: (Obviously shaken) Oh crap! It's Susan!

(He runs away)

Uwe: Did he mean Susan Sarandon? I thought they broke up.

Larry: I don't know.

Charlie: Can we just get one credible audition here at some point?

(Mark Wahlberg's head pokes out of the door)

Mark: Did someone say my name?

Uwe: Ah, Mr. Wahlberg. Come in.

(Mark enters, complete in Confederate garb)

Larry: (With a raised eyebrow) Still in character Mark?

Mark: What do you mean?

Charlie: The Moon and the Rain ended production a while ago.

Mark: Yeah.

Uwe: (After a pause) Ok, just as long as you know that. Now, what part are you auditioning for?

Mark: I don't know.

Uwe: You should know what part you're auditioning for.

Mark: Why? I'm Mark Wahlberg, the new Ryan Gosling. The star who got his shine back. Can you think of any other actor who rose from failed stardom back to celebrity status?

Charlie: You mean other than Jackie Earle Haley?

(Jackie suddenly enters)

Jackie: Am I too early?

Larry: Jackie, you didn't even sign in to audition.

Jackie: So? I'm a star now. The man who returned to glory.

Mark: No that's me.

(Ryan Gosling enters)

Ryan: Heck, I'm better than that. I'm a rising star. A fresh face in the industry.

Larry: And somehow in yet another movie. What next?

(Edward Norton enters)

Edward: I heard someone was bad mouthing me a while ago. Where is that scumbag?

(Elphaba enters again)

Elphaba: I never got to finish my audition. How do you think I feel?

(Meyrl Streep enters)

Streep: Hey, how come I'm not nominated for this month? I'm a way better actor than any of these people.

Mark: You couldn't act for beans, you old hag!

(All get into an argument; Jared Leto appears cluthing a bleeding chest)

Jared: Why would somebody shoot me? I'm such a lovable actor!

(The crowd is still arguing; Uwe stands up)

Uwe: (Irritated and loudly) SHUT UP!!!!!!!!

(Everyone quiets down)

Uwe: Look, obviously none of you are qualified to be in this movie. It seems like there is only one actor who can truly make this film a hit.

Charlie: Jim Carrey?

Mark: Jack Nicholson?

Larry: The original actors who quit?

Uwe: No...ME!

(Everyone looks confused)

Larry: You can act?

Uwe: Why not?

Charlie: I've never seen you act in.....

Uwe: (Raises hand in air) Who's the director here?

Charlie: You.

Uwe: Who's in charge of the funding?

Larry: (Irritated) You.

Uwe: And isn't it true the director has the final say in casting?

Everyone: Yes.

Uwe: So obviously, I'm the most qualified for the part. Ok, everyone out.

(All the actors leave; Charlie and Larry stand up)

Uwe: Not you two. We got work to do.

Charlie: (Groans) This is going to be a long shoot.

(Film ends)

Announcer: Well, I hope things go better here. Cause it’s now time for the March Oscar Igloo Academy Awards

(Applause is heard over the intro music)

Announcer: And now, one of the writers for the ceremony …Zgamer.

(Zgamer enters as the crowd’s clapping dies down)

Zgamer: Thank you very much. Welcome to the Oscar Igloo Academy Awards for the month of March. Before we start the show, I would like to introduce you to the other writers who helped make this ceremony possible. I would like you all to give a huge round of applause to my fellow writers Al and Michael for their immeasurable aid.

(Applause for them)

Zgamer: They will appear now and then to help present awards or announce a presenter. The ever-omnipotent Johnny will also pop up here and there to show clips of the five best picture nominees tonight. I also want to thank him for letting us work on the ceremony. I mean, working on the Golden Globes is fun, but I mean hey, it’s the Oscars! What better honor is their than that folks? And I could think of no better person to start us off than our first presenter. Please give a round of applause for Mr. Javier Bardem.

(Javier enters)

Javier: The women in cinema have played many important roles. Some are the heroic feminists, some are upstanding citizens, and some, sad to say, are just eye candy. But the academy has found five women who deserve recognition for their great work. And they are…

KRISTIN CHENOWETH, WICKED

(Fiyero has mysteriously run off in anger.)
Glinda: Uh, thanks plenty dearest! He's just gone to fetch me a refreshment, he's so thoughtful that way!
THAT'S WHY I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
NO, I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
THOUGH IT IS I ADMIT, THE TINIEST BIT UNLIKE I ANTICIPATED,
BUT I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER, SIMPLY COULDN'T BE HAPPIER...
Well, not simply...
'CAUSE GETTING YOUR DREAMS, IT'S STRANGE BUT IT SEEMS
A LITTLE, WELL, COMPLICATED...
THERE'S A KIND OF A SORT OF COST
THERE'S A COUPLE OF THINGS GET LOST...
THERE ARE BRIDGES YOU CROSSED YOU DIDN'T KNOW YOU CROSSED UNTIL YOU'VE CROSSED
AND IF THAT JOY-THAT THRILL
DOESN'T THRILL LIKE YOU THINK IT WILL...
STILL... WITH THIS PERFECT FINALE, THE CHEERS AND THE BALLYHOO
WHO WOULDN'T BE HAPPIER? SO I COULDN'T BE HAPPIER
BECAUSE HAPPY IS WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN ALL YOUR DREAMS COME TRUE...

---

MAGGIE CHEUNG, IMAGINE

John (with a desperate expression): Oh Yoko, what can I do? Really what can I f***ing do? (He begins to cry), ever since Brian died, Paul has made of the band a chaotic and intense climax. Everyone fights, for money, for power or for ambitions. Remembering the old days can be so hard…

Yoko (with a soft and tender tone): Don’t worry John, don’t cry. I understand what you feel. I have also had problems with my ex-husband because he doesn’t want to show me my little child anymore (she begins to give a sad expression). You see John (being calm again), life is like a river. You can have some beautiful and peaceful connections with water and nature, but after entering into the turbulent waves that turn you into chaos you forget all of your meditations with the nature. Life isn’t easy John. I know everyone would love that but it simply isn’t that way.

John (swallowing his tears and feeling inspiration and some anger): Imagine a world of peace were conflicts didn’t exist, a world were the river you described only had connections with nature and your spirit…

Yoko (amazed and dropping a tear): I wish I could.

---

MIRANDA COSGROVE, SWEET BLACK AND BLUE

Betty Bookbinder (Emma Roberts) sneaks into her friend Camilla's (Miranda Cosgrove) father's study with Camilla following hesitantly behind.

Betty Bookbinder: "C'mon Camilla, I'm bored. Maybe we can find cool pictures, ya know dead people from crime scenes!"
Camilla Beaumont: "That's gross."
Betty: "Ew, what's with all these pictures of this creepy guy?"
Camilla: "I don't know, let's go. My dad's gonna kill me for this."

Betty looks in closer to the inscription on one of the pictures on the desk.

Betty: "Bob Krooook...creepy. Let's go, there's nothing cool in here."

Betty shuffles herself out of the room as Camilla stares intently at the picture of Bob Krook (Christopher Walken). Her eyes are wide open in a trance.

Camilla (whispers to herself): "Bob Krook"

Betty (from the other room): "Camiiiiilla!"

Camilla shakes her head and runs out of the room.

---

PENELOPE CRUZ, LA VENTANA

-the following text is subtitled-

(Valesca and her landlord are sitting at her kitchen table, arguing. Valesca has tears running down her eyes and her dark makeup is smeared)

Valesca: Ronaldo i'll give you the money, i just need a little more time. please. i'll have nowhere to go. what am i supposed to do?

Ronaldo: I don't have any more time, Valesca. You're three months late, and you havent paid your utilites in four. i'm at the end of my rope.

Valesca: Please, just three more weeks (Valesca goes to her knees, pleading). I NEED THIS RONALDO, MY DAUGHTER NEEDS THIS!

Ronaldo: (seething with anger) on my desk. tomorrow. no questions.

Valesca: Please (now crying uncontrollably)

Ronaldo: (a wry smile crawls across his face, and he begins to unbuckle his belt.) I think we can work something out.

(Valesca grabs her rosary, and closes the blinds on her window.)

---

SALLY FIELD, FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON

We see an old delapodated home. CHARLY walks to the front door and knocks. ROSE barely opens the door.

CHARLY
Um, Hi

Before CHARLY can finish...

ROSE
I'm not interested.

CHARLY
I don't think you understand...

ROSE
I said I'm not interested, now beat it.

CHARLY
Mom, it's me Charly

ROSE looks stunned. Tears well up in her eyes

ROSE
No, my son Charly is dead.

CHARLY looks appaled and suprised

CHARLY
Mom, I had surgery, I'm not a retard anymore. I remember you now.

ROSE
(on the verge of tears)
Well son of a bitch, it's you. Where the hell you been?

----

ANJELICA HOUSTON, ROSIE

Bette Linderman (Demi Moore) enters an office and leaves the dust and smoke of the factory behind. She is on a mission.

Bette Linderman: Why do you insist on treating Viv Walker (Thandie Newton) so poorly? She is not scum. She is one of the hardest workers in this factory.

Rachel George (Houston): No. Ms. Walker is not the hardest worker here. I am. I have been here for longer than any of you other girls. If you think you can come in here and tell me how to do my job, then you are insane. Get out of my office and get back to work.

Bette Linderman looks at Rachel George with disgust. Then, she leaves.

Rachel remains sitting in her rather nice chair. She sits solemnly thinking of her dead husband and of her terrible actions.

And the Oscar goes to…

…

KRISTIN CHENOWETH FOR WICKED!!!

Announcer: Here’s one of our favorite foreign authors on the site. It’s Colombia’s own Harry.

(Harry enters)

Harry: A good movie has to have a catchy title to draw attention. Whether its short like Jackrabbit or long like my own 7,000 Mile Screwdriver, the title is the first step in a bait’s judgment. So here’s the five best titles of the month:

A DREAM AWAY FROM DEATH, WRITTEN BY BRYCE MARRERO

GOD HATES WHAT?, WRITTEN BY BEN MILLER

HIS OR HERS?,, WRITTEN BY AL

THE SECRETS WE KEEP, WRITTEN BY RYAN DRAKE

A VERY CONVENIENT TRUTH, WRITTEN BY CONNOR CAMPBELL

And the Oscar goes to…

…

A DREAM AWAY FROM DEATH!

Announcer: Here’s the author who makes nicety and British humor fun. It’s Michael.

(Michael enters)

Michael: Thank you. Last month, my aggressive campaigning for Pygmalion garnered it sole award. Tonight, some other lucky person will be able to pat himself in the back for his self-serving attitude. The nominees for best online awards campign are

CLUSTERTOWN, SERGIO

DRAGONTOWN, JAMES SOMERTON

THE HAND OF MAINE, DOUGLASS REESE

SHORT TO LONG, SERGIO

THE 7,000 MILE SCREWDRIVER, HARRY AND RYNE

And the Oscar goes to…

…

DRAGONTOWN!

Announcer: Please welcome that lady from The Crucible. The incredible Joan Allen.

(Joan enters)

Joan: While there are those who are recognized for a solo performance, there are many great actors who never get recognized. This is the academy’s way to compensate for that and to keep up with the SAG’s. The nominees for best cast are:

THE DIRTY DOZEN, WRITTEN BY DANIEL

HEART OF THE DRAGON, WRITTEN BY ZGAMER

MADE IN TAIWAN, WRITTEN BY BEN MILLER

THE MOON AND THE RAIN, WRITTEN BY PAT

ROSIE, WRITTEN BY MATT

THE TRAITOR, WRITTEN BY GEORGE

And the Oscar goes to…

…

ROSIE!

Zgamer: (Listening to iPod, then notices camera watching) Sorry, I didn’t know I was going to be back on camera. I was just listening to the “Title of Show” album. Catchy stuff. And on that note, please welcome the other Dreamgirl, Miss Anika Noni Rose.

(Anika enters)

Anika: Last month, my bait won this award for choosing me to play Dinah Washington. Now, a lot of well-chosen actors and actresses may have a chance to win. They are:

ABIGAIL BRESLIN AS LISA IN RUNAWAY LOVE, WRITTEN BY MICHAEL

ROBERT DENIRO AS GENERAL DOUGLAS MACARTHUR IN THE 38TH PARALLEL, WRITTEN BY ZGAMER

JAMIE FOXX AS MIKE TYSON IN BADDEST MAN ON THE PLANET, WRITTEN BY ROSS JENSEN

VINESSA SHAW AS SHARON TATE IN SHARON TATE, WRITTEN BY RYAN

ROBIN WILLIAMS AS THE WIZARD IN WICKED, WRITTEN BY AL

And the Oscar goes to…

…

THE BADDEST MAN ON THE PLANET!

Announcer: If there were ever a word in the dictionary that needed a picture in the definition, this man would be THE picture for “over-the-top”. Please welcome Mr. Quentin Tarantino.

(Quentin walks backwards onto the stage)

Quentin: I’ve always wanted to do that. To comment on the announcer’s joke, if any one word needs a picture, its cult film. (Pause) Well, that’s not one word, but one of these films just might be the picture for that. The nominees for Most Likely To Become a Cult Film are:

3:08 PM, WRITTEN BY RYAN

47, WRITTEN BY PATRICK D

DRAGONTOWN, WRITTEN BY JAMES SOMERTON

GREEN RIVER, WRITTEN BY RYNE

HEART OF THE DRAGON, WRITTEN BY ZGAMER

And the Oscar goes to…

…

47!

Announcer: Please welcome Matt Damon and Leonardo DiCaprio.

(Both enter)

Matt: Adapted screenplays are funny. They can come from any previous source. Whether from a movie, book, comic book, graphic novel, play, musical or song, any source is adaptable for a screenplay.

Leo: Tonight, one author will walk away with the award crediting the fact that he stole the idea from someone else. Oh, and we have to read part of them.

(Both pull out pieces of paper)

Matt: And the nominees for Best Adapted Screenplay are…

THE COUNTERFEIT KING, WRITTEN BY NICHOLAS PILEGGI

INT. EMPIRE CASINO- NIGHT

Frank stands still between the slot machines of the Empire Casino. In his right hand, he clenches to his bucket of counterfeit coins. He looks on and becomes focused on the slot machines around him, loudly rolling numbers. The hopeful gamblers pull levers and keep thrilling looks on their faces hoping to hit the jackpot. Frank continues to focus on the machines and the people playing them. The sounds become deafening to him. The dings and upbeat music coming from the slots are at the center of his attention.

FRANK (V.O.)
I was there. I was in Vegas. I was closer and closer to finishing up my empire. Every casino owner in this town was in the palm of my hand. I was outsmarting
everything they were built upon.
---

THE DIRTY DOZEN, WRITTEN BY PAUL HAGGIS AND E.M. NATHANSON

(REISMAN and CONVICTS are seated in an army helicopter, waiting to parachute into the Nazi chateau. The CONVICTS are shaking and some of are having complete breakdowns. REISMAN stays cool and collected as he delivers the steps to the game plan)

REISMAN: One!
CONVICTS: Down to the road block we've just begun.
REISMAN: Two!
CONVICTS: The guards are through.
REISMAN: Three!
CONVICTS: The Major's men are on a spree.
REISMAN: Four!
CONVICTS: Major and Wladislaw go through the door.
REISMAN: Five!
CONVICTS: Pinkley stays out in the drive.
REISMAN: Six!

(exterior shot of same army helicopter as it goes deeper into Nazi territory. Chant between REISMAN and CONVICTS continues.)

---

FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON, WRITTEN BY DANIEL KEYES & LARRY MCMURTRY

CHARLY walks into a diner. The place is almost full, but he manages to be seated at a booth. Meanwhile, some people across the diner are laughing. At first he doesn't see why, then he sees the waiter who is stumbling. The waiter then drops his tray.

CUSTOMER #1
He must be retarded or something

The waiter joins in laughing

WAITER
I'm pretty silly aren't I?

CHARLY is appaled. He screams

CHARLY
Hey! You leave him alone

The diner is silent except for CHARLY

CHARLY
You know he doesn't know any better!

The expression on his face is one of furiousity and sadness. He continues,

CHARLY
How would you feel? How the hell would you feel if you were laughed at for doing the best you can manage?

CUSTOMER#2
(under his breath)
What the hell is his problem?

CHARLY storms out to the sidewalk, as he continues,

CHARLY
(to himself)
Did I really look like that?

---

THE MOON AND THE RAIN, WRITTEN BY WILLIAM MONAHAN

HENRY: Who are you people?

MAID: You wanna know who we are, sonny boy? Huh? We just happen to be the real casualties of this damn war. We're the one's who are just left behind, forgotten by a time that hated us so much. We're the lost souls of the victims of abandonment in the cruelest fashion. The Madame was to marry a strong gentleman by the name of Josiah, but he had to go and leave us in this wretched mansion. And then Lee's men decided to burn out home down, with us in it. They decided to kill us. But why? For sport? No. We were too painful to bear. We reminded them of the world they left behind and they couldn't stand to see us.

HENRY: So are telling me that you're--

MAID: Dead. To put it quite simply. And the Madame wants you because you remind her of Josiah. Your hair, your eyes. They're so much like his, and she wants them. Are you prepared to become a lost soul just like the wife you left behind?

---

RUNAWAY LOVE, WRITTEN BY PAUL HAGGIS AND ROBERT MORESCO

(Screams of Mona are heard in rapid sucession)

Lisa (V.O.) I would often here my mother scream like that. It was painful because as big as I might have thought I was, I could never stop it from happening.

(A Constant Shot of Lisa just sitting on her bed tears streaming down her face)

Lisa (V.O.) The worst part though, was I knew what was going to happen next.

(Alan walking down the hall and enters Lisa's bedroom)

Alan: Lisa, why don't we play a game of House?

(Lisa starts to shake her head)

Alan: How about you be the mom and I be the dad!

Lisa: NO! (Tries to stop Alan, but to no avail)

(Fade Out)

---

WICKED, WRITTEN BY MICHAEL CHABON AND WINNIE HOLZMAN

(Glinda is in front of a house with feet sticking out from under it, and the edge of a yellow brick road.)
Glinda: (yelling offscreen) That's right, you just take that one road, the whole time! Oh, I hope they don't get lost. I'm so bad at giving directions. (She sees the house, picks up flowers and lays them in front of the house.) Oh, Nessa. (Elphaba appears)
Elphaba: What a touching display of grief.
Glinda: I don't think we have anything further to say to one another.
Elphaba: I wanted something to remember her by, and all that is left were those shoes, and now that wretched little farm girl has walked off with them. So I'd appreciate some time, alone, to say goodbye to my sister.
Glinda: Elphie... you mustn't blame yourself. It's dreadful, it is, to have a house fall on you, but accidents will happen.
Elphaba: You call this an accident?
Glinda: Yes! Well, maybe not an accident...
Elphaba: Well, what do you call it?
Glinda: Well... a regime change. Caused by a bizarre and unexpected twist of fate.
Elphaba: Well, why would you care? You're too busy telling everyone how wonderful everything is!
Glinda: I'm a public figure, now. People expect me to...
Elphaba: Lie?
Glinda: Be encouraging! And what exactly have you been doing besides riding around on that filthy, old broom?
Elphaba: Well, we can't all come and go by bubble. Whose invention was that, the Wizard's? Of course, even if it wasn't, I'm sure he'd still take credit for it.
Glinda: Yes, well, a lot of us are taking things that don't belong to us, aren't we?
Elphaba: Now wait! I know it may be difficult for that blissful, blonde brain of yours to comprehend that someone like him could actually choose someone like me! But it's happened... it's real. And you can wave that ridiculous wand all you want, you can't change it! He never belonged to you, he doesn't love you, and he never did! He loves me!

Leo: And the Oscar goes to…

…

WICKED!

Announcer: And now, to introduce our first best picture nominee (and the rest throughout the ceremony), here’s Johnny Alba.

Johnny Alba: Great writers have the ability to take a familiar subject and give it a fresh and captivating turn; this is the accomplishment of Author of the Month nominee Marcus Dennis for GLASS: our first Best Picture nominee of the night. Directed with mastery by John Singleton and starring a powerful ensemble, “Glass” is the exceptional kind of bait that will never be brought down. Let’s see it:

RODNEY AND TANYA'S APARTMENT
Detective Scott Walsh (Tim Robbins) walks into their small cramped apartment. Rodney (Don Cheadle) and Tanya (Kimberly Elise) have worried looks on their face.

WALSH: Did you know a man by the name of Ryan Glass?
RODNEY: Yeah, he was a homeless guy stayed a couple blocks from here.
WALSH: I'm sorry to tell you this, but he was found dead earlier this morning.
Rodney slumps down in his chair.
RODNEY (surprised): What? I was just with him last night
WALSH: Yes, I know
TANYA: Wait a minute, you don't think Rodney did this do you?
WALSH: Well maam, we're just eliminating possible suspects.
Rodney looks distraught as tears well up in his eyes.
WALSH: I'll give you two a minute.
Walsh walks out of room. Tanya hugs Rodney to comfort him.
RODNEY (crying): What's wrong with the world?
TANYA: I don't know baby

GLASS

Announcer: Call them whatever you may, these guys are by far two of the funniest old guys in Hollywood. Please welcome to the stage Mel Brooks and Carl Reiner

(Mel and Carl enter)

Carl: What's the matter, Mel?

Mel: Well, it's just that there aren't many funny baits anymore. Plus, they fly me out here, and I can't get a decent bagel! How do you people survive in Hollywood?

Carl: Hey, you putz. You know that there are plenty of funny baits.

Mel: Putz? How Jewish can you get, Carl?

Carl: Oy, gevalt. As I was saying…we have 5 baits tonight that are hilarious aplenty.

Mel: Yeah. If only this soggy lox were as good as the nominees.

Carl: We get it, Mel. You're Jewish.

Mel: You got some schmutz there, Carl. The nominees are:

CANDIDACY, BY BRIAN (ARIZONA)

A DREAM AWAY FROM DEATH, BY BRYCE

MAD ABOUT RAFT, BY D.W.

THE REALMOTHER, BY MICHAEL

SHORT TO LONG, BY SERGIO

A VERY CONVENIENT TRUTH, BY CONNOR

And the Oscar goes to…

…

SHORT TO LONG!

Announcer: If man ever the air guitar for one reason, our next presenter would be that. Please welcome Jack Black.

(Jack Black enters)

Jack: Hello, fine baiters! It is I, Jack Black. That's right. I am here to present Best Director…

(A stagehand rushes up)

Jack: Poster design? What the heck? What do you mean I'm not good enough for Director? Ugh. Poster design is very important. It…aw, screw it. I'm done.

(He walks off, then is pushed back on with a piece of paper in his hand)

Jack: (reading the paper) Posters can give us a great idea of the bait's content and add to it's buzz substantially. Here are the nominees.

CLUSTERTOWN, DESIGNED BY SERGIO

FLASHES, DESIGNED BY TONY

IMAGINE, DESIGNED BY HARRY

SHORT TO LONG, DESIGNED BY SERGIO

CLOUDS OF RED, DESIGNED BY TONY

And the Oscar goes to…

….

IMAGINE!

Announcer: Now it’s time to see what it was like when dinosaurs dominated the earth. And by dinosaurs, I mean the older actors of Hollywood. Please welcome the grouchy old man in everyone, Alan Arkin

(Alan Arkin enters)

Alan: Actors can deliver all the emotion they like, directors can input all their creativity, and most importantly, sound mixers can mix the sound to their best ability, but without a screenplay to spark it all, the film is zippo. Here are the most notable original screenplays of the year, which I have to read parts of (Pulls out glasses):

BATTLE CRIES, WRITTEN BY STUART BEATTIE

KIM: So is it true? This, uh, rumor that's goin' around? Is it? Please, just tell me. I won't get mad, I just need to know if it's true or not.
MARTIN: Yes, I did it. I cheated on you. I'll admit it, I'm not afraid--
KIM: Oh my God!
MARTIN: Oh, don't give me that. You knew damn well from the beginning and yet you did nothing to prevent. No, you did something, didn't you, Kim? You went and did the exact same thing with Jeff Watkins. Don't deny it. I know all about your little excursions to Bonn, pretending to be some great surgeon that you're not. I know all about it.
KIM: So I guess that makes us both liars.
MARTIN: I guess it does. (Pause) Oh yeah, I almost forgot. I'm gettin' shipped out next Thursday so take a good look at this face for the next week because it may be the last time your whorish little eyes get to see it.

CANDIDACY, WRITTEN BY ALEXANDER PAYNE AND JIM TAYLOR

(We are on the tour bus. NORBERT (Jack Nicholson) lights a cigarette.)

KEITH: Hey, we agreed to no smoking on the tour.

NORBERT: Shove it up your ass. (Muttering) Unless a dick is already there.

KEITH: Norbert, you know we don't need you here.

NORBERT: Yeah, I'm just the f***ing Vice President of the United States-!

KEITH: Former Vice President.

NORBERT: Well I'll be damned the day a f*g corrects me!

KEITH: I-

(Suddenly, Sophie (Maggie Gyllenhaal) runs up to NORBERT and kisses him right on the lips. It is silent.)

KEITH: (After a While) Well that seemed unnecessary.

SOPHIE: Well, it seems to calm people down.

(Silence.)

STANTON: I'm a little tense.

JACK: Me too.

HARVEY: Ditto.

CLOUDS OF RED, WRITTEN BY ROBERT RODAT

(This is the panic attack scene where Mannock is shooting down an enemy plane. James McCudden is seen next to Mannock in the plane as Mannock places a sick, sadistic look on his face. The atmosphere is cloudy, planes of the Allies and enemy falling to their death and the distinctive sound of the crash in the background. Mannock looks back to McCudden and says..)

(Mannock tries to over shout all the commotion)
Mick: Do you see what I see lad!?
James: What!?
(Mick looks back at his enemy with his grin getting progressively bigger)
Mick: The dirty Germans meeting their demise!

FLASHES, WRITTEN BY DARREN ARRONOFSKY

(The room is quiet, a pin drop would be the loudest action in this room, a quick cut to a needle on the dresser with a drip coming from it is seen. Camera pans around the dark, musty room with a depraved vibe to it as we see the back of our main character. Quick cut to the eye of Eric and a zoom out to reveal his face. A cut to his hands as we see him holding an old voice recorder. The recorder looks shattered, as if almost it were thrown with full force at a wall, Eric closes his eyes and takes a deep breath and brings the recorder to his mouth. The sound of the button being pressed is echoed around the room)

Eric Blanchard: My mind, always warped and twisted, has reached the point where I can wait no longer...I don't dare wait longer, until there is the final twist and it snaps and I spend the rest of my life in some state run snake pit. The schedule of my life was never pictured like this, childhood was innocent, pure, choices were never an option, and you had everything to look forward too, and nothing to lose.

(A drip from the ceiling falls down as Eric looks up, as a rat presses itself against Eric’s foot. Eric jumps in shock and drops the recorder as it shatters in front of his eyes, and watches the vermin enter a small hole in the rotted wall, a sigh of disgust comes from our character, and his intensity builds up)

DRAGONTOWN, WRITTEN BY HAYAO MIYAZAKI AND HARUKA HANDA

The face of Tokyo is burning. All motion has stopped in the city as cars lay atop other cars; burning into ash with their drivers long gone within them. The streets are littered with dead bodies, many of them women and children. A burnt baby carriage lies on it's side near the entrance to DragonTown-hall. The camera slowly creeps away from the ashen carriage and then suddenly enters the doors of DragonTown-hall with unearthly speed. It bursts into the stairwell and zooms up past more dead bodies. It keeps going until it reaches the very top floor. We move quickly toward a man standing in front of what may be the only window remaining in Tokyo with glass in it. This man is Boss Tasaka. He has a terrible grin on his face as he puffs on a cigar.

TASAKA
Your power is disturbing, Fongotsu. Imagine what could be done if it was used for good.

FONGOTSU
This was for the greater good, Tasaka-son.

TASAKA
I suppose you are correct. I am nothing if not the lesser of two evils.

FONGOTSU
Much evil remains.

TASAKA
And it too will soon feel my crushing fist.

FONGOTSU
The America.

TASAKA
Yes. But first I must take the countryside. If I cannot corrupt the innocent hill dwellers then I have no right standing atop this tower.

FONGOTSU
Others may already be forcing themselves upon them.

TASAKA
Such as?

FONGOTSU
Brothers. My brothers.

TASAKA
Forbid you be an only child. It would make my life so much easier.

TASAKA takes one last puff of his cigar and then tosses it out of an open section in the window. We fallow it down to he ground and watch it land inside the carriage. A small fire erupts inside and soon engulfs the entirety of the carriage. We fade through the flames to see Atani waking up from a nightmare.

LA VENTANA, WRITTEN BY BRAULIO MANTOVANI

(Juna is sitting at the kitchen table, cutting up vegetables for dinner. suddenly the apartment door opens, and Oliver enters, a solemn look on his face.)

Oliver: I'm sorry I...

Juna: I don't want to hear it Oliver, not this time. not this time. (never lifting her head from the table).

Oliver: You're never going to trust me again, are you? (...no response) ARE YOU??!! (Oliver slams the apartment door and heads for the bathroom, Juna follows after him, still carrying her knife.)

Juna: HOW CAN I? how can i oliver. i waited for you every night. every night. it wasn't easy. Maurecia had been dead, what, two months? (at this point she begins to break down and cry. Oliver slams the bathroom door in her face. she continues to speak, pressing her forehead against the pane of the door. on the other side, oliver sits on the toilet with his head in his hands). And still i sat here, like a teenage girl, waiting for you.

Oliver: you didnt have to wait.

Juna: don't worry, i won't. (Juna takes the kitchen knife and stabs it into the bathroom door, where it sticks. she walks out of the apartment, slowly, and slams the door behind her. then, in the reflection of the suspended knife, we see the window in the next apartment. Arturo is looking in.)

Alan: Ok, let’s read the winner before I run out of breath.

And the Oscar goes to…

…

DRAGONTOWN!

Johnny Alba: Imagine a foreign language author struggling to fit in an English competition, now imagine him learning and then becoming a Best Author and Best Picture nominee: this is the accomplishment of Harry and IMAGINE, our second Best Picture nominee tonight. A passionate bait with a deep message that has earned a spot among the best baits of March. Here’s a clip from IMAGINE:

(First, we see John Lennon playing the piano and singing with all of his soul and heart, the song about peace “Imagine”)

(Then, we see various persons in a manifestation at Central Park. In silence, they slowly drop some tears from their eyes as they feel a strong pain inside of them, giving respect to the recently diseased John Lennon)

(After that, we see John Lennon being with his band “The Beatles”, singing a very beautiful message with a lot of deepness named “All You Need is Love”)

(Then, John Lennon and the love of his life Yoko Ono are in their bed in front of various reporters, expressing their loves thru what they called the “Hair Peace/Bed Peace”. The emotionally pure song of “Love” plays in the background.)

(At last, John Lennon is at the end of a concert and gives an unforgettable goodbye.)

Lennon (with a powerful and profound tone): So remember people, give peace a chance.

IMAGINE

Announcer: Please welcome the only person who can ever be Indiana Jones, Mr. Harrison Ford.

(Harrison Ford enters)

Harrison: Star Wars. Titanic. Spider-Man. Shrek. The Adventures of Pluto Nash. All of these films not only gained the praise and admiration of filmgoers everywhere, but something much more important-the green. And now, the Bait an Oscar contest follows in those capitalistic footsteps with the Best Box-Office Potential award, honoring the bait with the best chances to rake in the dough. And the nominees are:

25 BILLION, WRITTEN BY MATTHEW LARUSSO

AFTER EARTH: THE RISE OF COLBYOTISM, WRITTEN BY JAMES SOMERTON

HIS OR HERS?, WRITTEN BY AL

THE REALMOTHER, WRITTEN BY MICHAEL

WICKED, WRITTEN BY AL

And the Oscar goes to…

…

WICKED!

Announcer: He makes little girls cry and old men bleed. Please welcome the acclaimed director Guillermo del Toro.

(Guillermo del Toro enters)

Guillermo: The big credit always goes to the actors. Or the director. Or the writers, even! But without a crew, movies would look like this:

(The screen goes black, and not a sound is heard. The picture returns)

The crew sets in motion all that movie magic, that razzle dazzle, those turning gears. So tonight, we honor the best crew picks with the nominees for, well, Best Crew:

DEBRIS FROM A SILENT WAR, WRITTEN BY MARCUS DENNIS

THE DIRTY DOZEN, WRITTEN BY DANIEL

THE MOON AND THE RAIN, WRITTEN BY PAT

RANDOMINITY, WRITTEN BY J.D. JUDGE

WICKED, WRITTEN BY AL

And the Oscar goes to…

…

THE DIRTY DOZEN!

Announcer: Our next presenter sure has a thing for royalty. Please welcome the lovely Queen Latifah.

(Queen Latifah enters)

Queen: When I was up here a month ago to accept Best Supporting Actress, I was speechless. And I'm sure tonight's winner for Best Supporting Actor will be too. But on screen, these 5 men are anything but. They almost make us forget that they're billed below a Leonardo DiCaprio, or a Kate Winslet, or even a Ryan Gosling. They light up the screen, and create some of the greatest moments in the movie. So here are the nominees:

BRIAN COX, DEBRIS FROM A SILENT WAR

Mr. Schmidt walks in and sees Hitler writing on his desk. Hitler looks up and sees Schmidt, who looks scared.

HITLER: Are you alright, Walter?

Schmidt stands uncomfortably and pulls out a pistol.

HITLER: What are you doing?

SCHMIDT: I'm stopping this madness. The Americans are invading Germany. We have lost. Under your rule, we will all perish. Eliminating you will give the others a chance to escape.

Hitler stands up.

HITLER: You're going to kill me.

Schmidt focuses the gun on Hitler.

HITLER: Throughout my entire life you have been the only person that I have ever fully trusted. You've stood by my side from day one. You can't kill me, Walter.

Walter nods

HITLER (growing angry): No you can't. If you kill me, you kill the cause! IF YOU KILL THE CAUSE, YOU KILL EVERYTHING WE'VE WORKED SO HARD TO ATTAIN!!!

WALTER: It has to stop.

HITLER: IT CAN'T STOP. NO ONE ELSE IN HISTORY WILL HAVE THE DEDICATION TO THE CAUSE THAT-

WALTER: Stop you're ranting. I've had enough of it. The cause is dead. No one believes in it anymore. Not even me.

Hitler realizes that nothing will change Walter's mind.

HITLER: I am a man. And I shall die like one.

----

CLINT EASTWOOD, THE FUTILITY OF LAW

(KYLE MICHAELS is at a rural gas station at the end of the film as he is talking with detectives SHILING and HANSON)
MICHAELS: Fifty years is a long time to be runnin'. And the worst part of it all was that none of you could get what I was trying to tell you.
SHILING: Tell us? What could you tell us you old damn fart? That killing people and ruining lives can be made into a career?
(HANSON tries to calm down her partner)
HANSON: Just hold on, Jimmy, don't let this guy rattle you.
(MICHAELS smirks)
MICHAELS: Well it can be made into a career, and a very profitable one, thanks to you. You let all this happen. You reached the point where I can do anything I want and no one is able to stop me, not even some pre-pubescent boy scout turned law enforcement officer.

---

Jackie E. Haley, The Hollywood Story

(Kim Ryan approaches Tom to check out his new script)
(she takes the script and starts reading)
(Tom has an eerie smirk on his face)
(Kim looks shock)
Kim: Oh my god! How long have you knew?
Tom: Long enough to make a script about it.
Kim: Tom,...I'm so sorry.
Tom: Read the ending Dear.
(Kim goes to the last few pages to read the ending, and a very shocking look appears on her face)
(Tom pulls out a nearby knife)
Kim: Stop, Tom!
Tom: Every great script needs an ending dear.

---

ED HARRIS, 25 BILLION

NO CLIP AVAILABLE

---

MARK WAHLBERG, THE MOON AND THE RAIN

(Tobey, played by Wahlberg, sits on a chair in a bland room while Emily, played by Cate Blanchett, paces the floor. He is dressed in Confederate colonel attire while she looks like a whore.)
EMILY: Tobey, look at what I've become! Look what you did to me! Look at what you made me! And why--
TOBEY: I became a colonel so our family would have some sort of dignity, something that you so easily threw out the window when you became this...this...
EMILY: You left me! You left me to die! Did you ever stop and wonder what happened to me?
TOBEY (after hesitating): No.

BILLY ZANE, THE RIVER

NO CLIP AVAILABLE

And the Oscar goes to…

…

CLINT EASTWOOD FOR THE FUTILITY OF LAW

Announcer: Office doldrums have never seemed so humorous since this man came around. Here’s Steve Carrell for your viewing pleasure.

(Steve Carrell enters)

Steve: Originality! It's a word that gets thrown around so much these days. But not every movie can be original. "The 40-Year Old Virgin", now that was original. "Rocky 23" isn't original. It's so damn hard to be original! Well, these 5 baits were the best of the best in making us think, "how did they think of that?". And the nominees are:

3:08 PM, BY RYAN

AFTER EARTH: THE RISE OF COLBYOTISM, BY JAMES SOMERTON

DRAGONTOWN, BY JAMES SOMERTON

SWEDEN DAY, BY MATTHEW KARLAN

TRADING COUNTRIES, BY RYNE

AND THE OSCAR GOES TO…

…

SWEDEN DAY!

Announcer: Now here’s a woman who needs no intro. Her looks says it all. For your pleasure, here’s miss Zooey Deschanel.

(Zooey Deschanel enters)

Zooey: As Steve just said, it's all about originality. Well, an original character can be good too. From campaign workers to observant Mexicans with Gherig's Disease, these 5 characters give life to their respective movies. And the 5 lucky original characters are:

ANNE SANDERS, PLAYED BY SCARLETT JOHANSSON, IN ROSIE

ARTURO PAZ, PLAYED BY BENICIO DEL TORO, IN LA VENTANA

JACKIE LEWIS, PLAYED BY SALMA HAYEK, IN THE HAND OF MAINE

KEITH, PLAYED BY MATTHEW PERRY, IN CANDIDACY

LISA JOHNSON, PLAYED BY CATE BLANCHETT, IN TO LIVE WITH HOPE

And the Oscar goes to…

…

THE HAND OF MAINE!

Johnny Alba: After a string of hits, one would think some writers are meant to reach their creative peak and then begin to fall. Proving wrong anyone who would believe this is acclaimed author Pat and his memorable bait THE MOON AND THE RAIN, our third Best Picture nominee tonight. Enjoy this clip:

(We see a very busy marketplace. Hundreds of people milling about different tents and vendors. Tobey walks slowly and spots a Confederate soldier ontop of a horse, moving away on the other side of the crowd. Emily is standing next to him, carrying a parcel that overflows with white cloth. Tobey begins to run through the crowd towards the soldier. Emily notices and begins to move after him but is pushed back by the crowd.)

EMILY: Tobey! Tobey! TOBEY!!!!!!

(She tries to push through, screaming his name, but Tobey just keeps going, leaving his wife in the crowd behind him.)

THE MOON AND THE RAIN

Announcer: The one woman who could make Nazi’s cry. That’s who we got here next. Please welcome last month’s best actress Catherine Keener.

(Catherine Keener enters)

Catherine: Whoo! We're getting to the big ones tonight, folks. Queen Latifah gushed about supporting actors before, but it's all about the leads. They give heart to the movie, basis to the story, and especially tonight, wonderful performances. Before my scripted intro bores you, here are the 5 Best Actors of the year.

CHRISTIAN CLEMENSON, FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON

CHARLY & his coworkers sit at a bar. GIMPY looks at him.

GIMPY
You like the music Charly?

CHARLY nods

GIMPY
Dance Charly.

CHARLY
I don't know...

GIMPY
Just dance Charly.

JOE
Yeah Charly dance!

CHARLY gets up to dance. JOE trips him. CHARLY falls to the ground as his coworkers laugh at him. CHARLY realizes that they are laughing at him.

CHARLY
Why are you laughing at me! I thought you were my friends! I thought you liked me.

GIMPY (shocked)
Hey Charly we...

CHARLY
Shut Up!

CHARLY picks up a mug and throws it towards them.It hits JOE in the shoulder.

JOE screams

CHARLY
You guys are asses.

CHARLY storms out.

---

BENICIO DEL TORO, LA VENTANA

(Arturo is sitting next to the toilet, vomiting. it appears he has fallen out of his wheelchair and cannot get back up. slowly he slumps down onto the tile floor, with his head facing the cieling. He closes his eyes, and we see a flashback of him walking the streets of Mexico City on a rainy day, stopping every so often to marvel at the massive buildings, showing a hint of a smile every so often. then, we are brought back to the bathroom in which Arturo lays. sweat beats off his forehead, and his breathing gets more shallow and weezy. he begins to shudder, and his head tilts to one side. with strain, he opens his eyes, searching for a view of valesca's window. but he see's nothing, and his vision starts to blur...)
Arturo: Valesca.
(Arturo's eyes close. fade to black.)

---

ROBERT DOWNEY JR, MAD ABOUT RAFT

Raft: "We're not gonna sell any tickets with kind of energy. What's the deal, Jimmy?"
James Cagney: "Holy Toledo, is that Bugsy Siegel?"
Raft: "That's Ben Siegel, I'll introduce you."
James Cagney: "He kills people. They want me dead, don't you understand that, Georgie?!?"
Raft: "Don't be so over-dramatic. That's why we never win Oscars. All this over-acting. Gangsters aren't really like that, ya know."
James Cagney: "I gotta get outta here."
Raft: "He's here to help you with your situation. I told you'd I get it settled for you. Just calm down."
James Cagney: "He wants me dead. That Mad Dog guy already threatened my agent. I'm as dead as this movie."

(Raft nods over to Benjamin Bugsy Siegel)

Raft: "Hey Benny, shoot this basketcase."
Cagney: "GEORGE!"

Raft laughs hysterically.

---

MATTHEW PERRY, CANDIDACY

NORBERT: Hey, gay boy!
KEITH: What?
NORBERT: I wanna talk to you.
KEITH: Can it be done without saying the word "Bible"?
NORBERT: Maybe. Siddown.
(KEITH sits)
NORBERT: You know you've got a lot of potential.
KEITH: Um...thanks?
NORBERT: Don't give me that! Boy, you better stay on the right track, or else you'll end up like me.
KEITH: You mean a total dick?

---

ALAN RICKMAN, GREEN RIVER

<Gary Ridgway sits in a metal chair he had just been asked why he killed the women>
Ridgway: What are you talking about? I work at a factory. I live with my mother. Why would I kill anyone? You see, You just don't have any other suspects and the public needs someone to blame, so your blaming me. Have I not passed your polygraph test twice? You want to give it to me again? I've done everything you've asked. Now let me go!

Robert Keppel: Okay, sorry for the incovience Mr. Ridgway.

Ridgway: Thank you

And the Oscar goes to…

…

CHRISTIAN CLEMENSON FOR FLOWERS FOR ALGERNON!

Announcer: Here to present the award for Best Tagline please welcome, Alec Baldwin!

(Applause)

Alec: Thank you, well as you all know the Tagline is the most vital part of any bait. It can be funny, somber, thought-provoking, and basically makes or breaks the bait.

Announcer: Actually Alec, it doesn’t really matter most baits don’t even have taglines.

Alec: And those are the sucky ones.

Announcer: In reality, they are even more successful.

Alec: What do you know? You’re just the guy talking into the microphone. You are like a D.J. You’re just supposed to say the name of the song and who sings it nothing more.

Announcer: Hey, that’s harsh. I am still a person, you know. You don’t have to say such harsh things.

Alec: Too bad, there is a reason I am in front of a camera, not a microphone.

Announcer: But Alec, you are standing in front of a microphone.

Alec (Moves out of the way of the microphone): (Yelling) NOT ANYMORE!!! (Gets back in front of the microphone) And the nominees for Best Tagline are…

"ON SOLID GROUND, HE FELT EMOTION. IN THE SKIES, HE WAS GOD"
CLOUDS OF RED- WRITTEN BY TONY

"GREED IS AN EVIL KING"
THE COUNTERFEIT KING- WRITTEN BY ADAM

"SHE DREAMS ABOUT HER DEATH, AND SHE DOESN'T CARE"
A DREAM AWAY FROM DEATH- WRITTEN BY BRYCE

"LIFE BROUGHT THEM DOWN. DEATH BROUGHT THEM TOGETHER"
GLASS- WRITTEN BY MARCUS

"MUSIC MADE HIM A LEGEND. THE WORLD MADE HIM A DREAMER"
IMAGINE- WRITTEN BY HARRY

"IT’S THE HOLIDAY TO END ALL HOLIDAYS"
SWEDEN DAY- WRITTEN BY MATTHEW

And the Oscar goes to………

…

GLASS!

(Applause)

Announcer: Where would some movie be without the Oscars? Many are solely made to try and win Oscars. And while most of the baits here are like this, there are a few with a bit more awards focused intentions. Here are the notable Shameless Oscar Vehicles of the Month:

THE 7,000 MILE SCREWDRIVER, WRITTEN BY HARRY AND RYNE

COMEDY OF LIFE, WRITTEN BY COREY

IDA, WRITTEN BY TRISTIAN

THE RIVER, WRITTEN BY GEORGE

THE SEX OFFENDER, WRITTEN BY TRISTIAN

Announcer: Remember, like Richard Nixon, they’re not losers. They’re just the ones who got caught. So give them applause for trying.

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome Jake Gyllenhaal.

(Applause)

Jake: I am honored to be here tonight presenting the award for Best Actress. The 5 females in the category tonight gave fantastic performances all around and it is no surprise that they are nominated here tonight, here are the nominees…

CATE BLANCHETT, TO LIVE WITH HOPE

(Lisa Johnson is in her death bed talking to her ex-husband Ben Johnson)

Ben Johnson: I am sorry for…..

Lisa Johnson: You don’t even have to explain, I would rather your actions to speak for you.

Ben: But not only can my actions speak for me.

Lisa (crying): They are speaking for my death right now, so don’t tell me that they can not speak for the apologies that you came in her to say to me. Show me with the love in your heart that I thought you had for me. Show me with the love in your heart that I hope that you have for our little girl. Because right now that is all that I am living on, is hope.

---

ELLEN DEGENERES, THE REALMOTHER

Julie: Judy, I'm not your mother...

(Chugs the rest of her vodka)

Judy: (shocked) Mom, why did you not tell me this? It explains SOO much. Why I never understood why I had extremely hairy legs and you didn't. Why I had thick armpit hair, but yours was not their.

Julie: Well, I always wanted to tell you, but that other woman

Judy (interupting): You mean my mother...

Julie: No the consuelor, suggested that I don't tell you.

Judy: You realize that this practically destroys my life...

Julie: (while fixing another drink) That's a risk you are willing to take...

Judy: Ma, I don't have a choice, it's like that you pushed me off a cliff and I was tied up.

Julie: Hope it doesn't hurt on the bottom (Puts pills in her drink)

---

SALMA HAYEK, THE HAND OF MAINE

(in Spanish with English subtitles)
JACKIE: I made you a sandwich, it's by the stove.
PAUL L.: Okay, you can go ahead and eat it I'm not that hungry,
JACKIE: (pauses) Okay.
PAUL L. I'm tired.
JACKIE: What'd you do?
PAUL L.: (silent, realizes she's on to him) She's from Sycamore Road, she needed, we used protection.
JACKIE: (pauses for a moment) You are sick, I can't believe you would do this to me.
PAUL L.: (in English) Just leave me the f*** alone I do not wanna talk bout it right now.
JACKIE: (Spanish with English subtitles): You disgust me.

---

IDINA MENZEL, WICKED

Elphaba: I'm the one you want. It's me. It's me! Up here! It's me!
(She rises up off the ground with the broom in hand, and begins to yell to the people below her.)
SO IF YOU CARE TO FIND ME,
LOOK TO THE WESTERN SKY
AS SOMEONE TOLD ME LATELY,
EVERYONE DESERVES THE CHANCE TO FLY!
AND IF I'M FLYING SOLO,
AT LEAST I'M FLYING FREE!
TO THOSE WHO’D GROUND ME,
TAKE A MESSAGE BACK FROM ME!
TELL THEM HOW I AM DEFYING GRAVITY!
I'M FLYING HIGH, DEFYING GRAVITY!
AND SOON I'LL MATCH THEM IN RENOWN
AND NOBODY IN ALL OF OZ...
NO WIZARD THAT THERE IS OR WAS
IS EVER GONNA BRING ME DOWN!

---

CHRISTINA RICCI, THE PUBLIC'S EYE

No Clip Available

And the Oscar Goes to….

…

CATE BLANCHETT FOR TO LIVE WITH HOPE!

(Applause)

Johnny Alba: As you see him now, you can see yourself one day… Acclaimed author Brett holds the record for most Best Picture nominations in the history of the Bait an Oscar contest with five. His latest work on the fascinating bait LA VENTANA (our fourth Best Picture nominee tonight) is the first "foreign language" project to be honored in this category. Let's take a look:

The following clip is subtitled.

(Arturo is sitting in a small, dimly lit bedroom. he is in a slumped position, and every so often his extremeties go into subtle spasms. he gazes longingly down his dirty window pane along the streets of the city below.)

Arturo: (voiceover). As the days go by, i feel myself getting weaker and weaker. with every moment i spend in this room, this place in which i call my sanctuary, i can feel the room slowly start to absorb me, and it takes all the strength that i have in the very core of my eyeballs to peer out into the bustling metropolis below. some days are a battle within themself.

(with a slight struggle, Arturo raises his head up a little higher, now looking at an apartment building directly across from his. in the apartment stands Valesca, coddling her young infant while counting pesos at her window desk)

Arturo: But she makes it easier. each day as i look out my window she is there, like the brightest ray of the blinding sun barely shimmering through the musty fog. i don't even know her name, but she is my heart. she is my everything.

(suddenly, from below, we hear a great explosion, and a great billowing avalanche of smoke and fire start to mushroom slowly up towards Arturo's eyelevel as Valesca's building starts to sink. he violently turns away, stunned.)

LA VENTANA.

Announcer: Here now is the only man who can be everywhere at once, Mr. Ryan Gosling.

(Applause)

Ryan: Yes, that is me. Without a plot, you have no story. Without a story, you have nothing. So I guess these 5 nominees are the best stories of this month. One of the many baits I starred in last month, Jackrabbit, won this award and went on to win Best Picture, so good luck to the following nominees…

BATTLE CRIES- WRITTEN BY PAT

GLASS- WRITTEN BY MARCUS

GREEN RIVER- WRITTEN BY RYNE

SWEET BLACK AND BLUE- WRITTEN BY D.W.

THE TRAITOR- WRITTEN BY GEORGE

LA VENTANA- WRITTEN BY BRETT

And the Oscar goes too…

…

LA VENTANA!

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman please put your hands together for Billy Bob Thornton.

(Applause)

Billy Bob: Thank you. Well I am here to present the award for Best Awards Campaign. Basically this is the review that counts. Maybe the review that makes all the other reviews. So anyway, here are the best award campaigns of the month…

THE 38TH PARALLEL- WRITTEN BY ZGAMER

FLASHES- WRITTEN BY TONY

HIS OR HERS?- WRITTEN BY AL

MAD ABOUT RAFT- WRITTEN BY D.W.

ROSIE- WRITTEN BY MATT

WICKED- WRITTEN BY AL

And the Oscar goes to….

…

WICKED!

Johnny Alba: The true story behind a misunderstood character is given a new twist in author Al’s fantastic adaptation of WICKED, our last Best Picture nominee tonight. Fantastic performances by Idina Menzel and Kristin Chenoweth shine in one of the best baits of the month. Here’s a look at “Wicked”:

(A hospital room. As Elphaba's mother lies on the bed, the doctor holds up baby Elphaba as her father is shocked.)
Father: It's atrocious!
Doctor: It's a fiend...
Father: Like a froggy, ferny cabbage, the baby is unnaturally- GREEN!
(Defying Gravity plays.)
SO MUCH HAPPENED...
(Clips of: Glinda singing "Popular", The Wizard talking to Elphaba, Elphaba and Glinda fighting, and the students dancing in the ballroom)
BEFORE DOROTHY DROPPED IN.
(Clips of: Madame Morrible snapping at Glinda, Glinda addressing the Ozians, Fiyero and Elphaba by the river, the Tin Man and Cowardly Lion addressing the witch hunters)
(We cut to Elphaba rising in the air, singing the final lines of the song.)
Elphaba: AND NOBODY IN ALL OF OZ
NO WIZARD THAT THERE IS OR WAS
IS EVER GONNA BRING ME DOWN!
(The citizens below her yell.)
Ozians: LOOK AT HER, SHE'S WICKED, GET HER!
Elphaba: BRING ME DOWN!
Ozians: NO ONE MOURNS THE WICKED! SO WE'VE GOT TO BRING HER...
Elphaba: AHHHHHHHHHH!
Ozians: DOWN!

WICKED

Announcer: Please welcome, director of Jackrabbit, Peter Weir.

(Applause)

Peter: If a film didn’t have direction what would it be? It would be helter-skelter, or Basic Instinct 2.

(Laughter)

Peter: Thank god these 5 nominated directors had better direction than that. Here are the nominees…

DARREN ARONOFSKY FOR FLASHES

ALFONSO CUARON FOR LA VENTANA

DAVID LYNCH FOR SWEET BLACK AND BLUE

MIKE NICHOLS FOR BATTLE CRIES

JOHN SINGLETON FOR GLASS

And the Oscar goes too….

…

DAVID LYNCH FOR SWEET BLACK AND BLUE!

Announcer: Ladies and Gentleman, please welcome the first ever winner of Best Picture at the End of the Year awards, Daniel Crooke!

(Applause)

Daniel: Well thank you. I am here to present the award for Best Author to one of my fellow writers. I admire all of them, and all are worthy. Here are the nominees…

D.W. DILLON (SWEET BLACK AND BLUE & MAD ABOUT RAFT)

HARRY (IMAGINE & THE 7,000 MILE SCREWDRIVER)

MARCUS DENNIS (GLASS & DEBRIS FROM A SILENT WAR)

PAT (THE MOON AND THE RAIN & BATTLE CRIES)

TONY (FLASHES & CLOUDS OF RED)

And the Oscar goes to….

…

PAT!

Announcer: And now to present our final awards, here are February and January’s winning authors Zgamer and Al (respectively).

(Both enter)

Zgamer: It’s all led up to this. Five big baits duke it out for best picture and bait of the month.

Al: It’s been an honor to do the ceremony, and now we will end it with a bang. Here is a recap of the best picture nominees:

GLASS, WRITTEN BY MARCUS DENNIS

THE MOON AND THE RAIN, WRITTEN BY PAT

WICKED, WRITTEN BY AL

LA VENTANA, WRITTEN BY BRETT

IMAGINE, WRITTEN BY HARRY

Al: And our best picture of March 2007 is…

…

LA VENTANA!!!!

Announcer: That’s our show. Remember, the winners and our March Top 15 will be posted in the awards section of the Bait an Oscar Page later tonight. So to all of you in the Oscar Igloo, keep on baiting and we hope to see you again next month.

The Official March Oscar Ceremony

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my sincerest of thanks...

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Thanks

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Congrats!

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