My husband died on the 6th of July 1996, I never accepted his sudden death. He was killed in Germany on the “Autobahn” in a car crash, in which he was innocent; the other guy came out of it without a scratch. Anyway…
After his death I kept hearing, smelling and seeing him (seeing him, was only in my dreams, but were they really just ‘dreams’?).
The most important contact that I have experienced was the first Christmas without him, actually it was New Year’s Eve.
All my friends would call me and invite me and the boys over to party, so I wouldn’t be alone, but I didn’t want to, they kept calling one after the other, at the end I unplugged the phone. I wanted to be alone and make an end to my misery; I was looking for heavy medications, strong enough that my boys and myself could join their father in heaven. They were already asleep and I was thinking, that I have to take them with me, because they couldn’t survive my going anyway, so I wanted to end their misery, too. But somehow I got so tired in my searching (I mean really tired, I barely could keep my eyes open, as if I would have already taken some sleeping pills), but I didn’t have enough in the house, so somehow I went to sleep.
I woke up by the sound of the popping of a champagne bottle and the voice of my husband, telling me to get up and not to sleep through the New Year. He poured champagne in glasses and kept telling me to wake up and get up, he wanted to celebrate. I actually answered him, I told him to let me sleep, I was too tired to celebrate and anyway with all this noise he would wake up the boys. And he said I have to wake them up anyway to see the fireworks, he kept talking and talking to get up and drink with him in celebration of the New Year, he stood in the doorway of my bedroom calling me lazybones. Finally tired of listening to him nagging at me, I got up. What a surprise, he wasn’t there and I realized he could not have been there, because he passed away 5 months earlier, but it was so real; I got up just in time to wake up the boys and see the fireworks with them.
As I said I had many more, but this one stayed really with me.
Blessings,
Cesca
Posted on Apr 4, 2008, 4:49 PM from IP address 66.60.188.7
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