So much to wrestle with (DE, Dembryo, adoption, death ment.)August 31 2011 at 3:47 PM
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|KarenGH (Login krgh)|
Response to Re: Actually still struggling
Don't apologize for asking for me in your post. Despite my intent to stay away, I keep feeling drawn back. I I guess I'm still just wrestling with knowing I'll have to move on somehow. These boards have been such a huge part of my life the past few years. I feel such a strong desire to help answer questions that I don't know if I'll ever completely go away, even when I move on.
I wish I could move forward with an alternative plan, but I'm struggling with that so much, too. My DH wanted to do DE, but I am morally opposed to it, so I just don't think I can ever do that option. I feel a lot of guilt over that, but it is something that I don't think I can ever overcome. I tried to take my DH's desires into consideration and look at profiles of egg donors, but it gave me terrible nightmares. I'm on a donor embryo waiting list, but I'm wrestling with that option, too. It seems like I can get excited over a profile, but then my DH doesn't seem that enthused with the profiles I am interested in. And many of the donated embryos were created with donor eggs. So, then I wrestle with thinking that if I'm going to use DE, then why not pick the donor myself and use DH's sperm. But I can't do that. So, I go in circles.
I was originally open to adoption, but now I honestly feel so bitter that I'd have to jump through hoops and be "approved" to adopt that I don't feel like doing it. I know in my head that it is a logical requirement, but I get angry that I wouldn't have to be "approved" to parent if I got pregnant. The donor embryos would allow me to control the prenatal environment and I wouldn't have to go through the adoption process with that. But I worry about what to tell people. I think it would freak my mom out, but I don't think I could keep that secret from my sister. So, there is a whole host of issues involved there as well. I get excited waiting for the profile lists to come, but then I get sad that none of them seem like a perfect match.
And to be honest, it may sound terrible, but I'm feeling bitterness at my DH for moving his mother in with us and essentially ruining our last chances at a bio baby. I had sacrificed many work opportunities in order to be available to travel to Cooper because he wanted to do that. And then he moved his mom in with us and that pretty much ended things for me. I spent a year and a half hearing from her almost every single day how awful it was to get old. I worked my butt off trying to put weight on her and managed to get her weight up. And she was well enough to go back to her own house, but then she stopped eating enough again. So, she ended up back with us. And she pretty much starved herself to death in the end after all that. It was pretty traumatic to watch. The doctors kept telling and telling her that she needed to eat. I'm pretty angry at her still for messing up that precious time for me. I know I sound like an awful person to say that, but I can't get those feelings out of my heart. She just left me feeling so old and depressed.
So, I can't stop dwelling on the events that screwed thing up for me. I think if I could move past my anger and bitterness, I could make a decision on what to do. If it hadn't been for all of the external events of the past five years affecting my outcome, I could have moved forward, even though I'd be grieving the loss of a bio baby. But the bitterness and anger just won't seem to let me do that.
Sorry to be such a downer. But honestly I'm sitting here crying and maybe I needed to get some of those feeling unleashed.