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Been a while and just spilling it all now (long...everything ment.)

March 30 2012 at 7:22 PM
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anon10 (but now sugar)  (no login)

Hello ladies,

First of all I'm changing my login name from anon10 (which I used in a pinch and it stuck but never felt authentic to me) to Sugar which is what a select few call me....

I have been off the boards a while as this process of IF has worn me down and I find it has been difficult for me to give and receive support but after lots of tears I am moving forward (tears still come and go and I expect that will be so for some time as I continue to grieve).
So after 18 months, 8 -all out of pocket- IVF cycles (5 fresh transfers, 2 frozen and one miserable attempt at banking) one ended in a m/c that took 9 weeks to expel naturally (horrible experience!) and one was jusst barely a chemical so somewhat reluctantly I am moving on to DE.
I was never against it but really had hope I would get PG with my OE as my numbers are not great but somehow I always has at least one or two 8 cell, low frag embies to transfer on d3. Obviously it didn't matter that they looked good on paper.
My RE thinks I should try once more with my OE and although that is enticing, a few months shy of 43 and a history of failures I cannot delude myself yet again into thinking "this will be the cycle". The RE also thinks that this is the time to consider DE more seriously which I have been for a while now. My DH had a vasecectomy b/c I was told 20 years ago. I should never have children due to organ involved lupus - fast forward 20 years and the lupus is quiet and modern medicine says "yes people with your history can have children although high risk". We have just enough frozen aspirated sperm for
one more cycle as I refuse to let my DH go through a 4th aspiration.
Even though he is a trooper and said he will do what needs to be done. So with funds very, very low, with only a small sample of sperm, and a string of failures I just think it's time. Am I scared, you bet. Moving to DE is stirring up a lot for me especially all the feelings associated with the fact that IVF with my OE did not work despite our best efforts and that I will forever mourn the loss of not having a genetic child now as I did 20 yea4s ago.
Whoever actually sat through and read this - sorry for going on and on but it has been cathartic. Thanks for listening and I hope to be back on the boards more often checking in to see how everyone is. (((HUGS))) XO

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  • Thinking of you (adopt ment) - kfx216 on Mar 30, 2012, 8:02 PM
  • Hugs....(DE Mtd) - DeeinNYC on Mar 30, 2012, 10:30 PM
  • You have really fought the good fight (DE,child ment) - snowbank03 on Mar 31, 2012, 8:34 AM
  • I understand (DE Child Mentd) - Anonymous on Mar 31, 2012, 12:25 PM
  • Ive been where you are....DE ment - Lauranz on Mar 31, 2012, 8:07 PM
  • i'm right there with you... - anne on Apr 1, 2012, 1:47 AM
  • I get the anger (de ment'd) - birdy1600 on Apr 1, 2012, 2:22 AM
  • hi there - DE child mentioned - mm on Apr 2, 2012, 11:44 AM
    • Thank you mm - sugar on Apr 2, 2012, 12:49 PM
    • yup - mm on Apr 3, 2012, 6:56 AM
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