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No need to feel sorry about expressing yourself. I know that many of us have been where you are now. What you have been through the 18 months is traumatic. Worse yet...when you go through all that you have been through and seemingly have nothing to show for it..it really does seem like a cosmic slap in the face. It's hard....that is for sure. I have moved onto DE's myself but I do still mourn the loss of not being able to have a baby with my OE. I really think that it is a process. All I can tell you is that things do get better. Soon you will realize that what you really want is to complete your family and when that happens, I think you will start to feel better about DE's. I can also say this..I have never read of or heard of one woman that had a DE baby that was not completely and totally in love with their little one. Hold onto that thought and think about what your life will be like down the road. You will not always be in IF hell. You will get through this. Until then, express yourself and be gentle with yourself.