Ok, I've got a problem here.

I used to feel really bad about the way I looked when I was younger. I dealt with it and won. Ever since, I have LOVED my body and (probably as a result of discovering that) like to show it off. I've been feeling very confident about myself for many many years and all of a sudden I'm feeling devastated. Why? Because my husband to be has a somewhat different "body ideal" than what I look like. I would normally not care what other people think of me. But he means the world to me, we are getting married soon and this is bothering me. I have talked to my closest girlfriend about this and she thinks I should talk to him about how he makes me feel. "Let him read your blog" she said; "It will probably be good for your relationship". And perhaps she is right. What do you guys think?

To understand the actual problem, go to my blog and read the post titled "Female attributes or lack of them" where I describe how bad he (unintentionally) makes me feel. I haven't told him any of this.

Blog:
http://curiousred.blogspot.com/

And this is what I look like in case you didn't know already:

http://img217.imageshack.us/img217/4409/redul2.jpg

http://img120.imageshack.us/img120/7355/buttonedupqc4.jpg

Fennel, I haven't read your blog yet but you look great in the pics.

How long have you been with this guy - and what has he said to make you feel like this?

If he's making you bad about yourself (especially if you previously felt great about yourself), you two need to have a good chat and sort this issue out. Otherwise, why marry someone who isn't happy with how you look and makes you feel bad?

We have been together since 2004. And he isn't hurting me on purpose. It's basically because of comments he has made online, in forums, about certain body types and the type of girls he prefer looking at in general. I have not told him this and it's easier to understand if you read that particular blog section.

One one hand, I don't want to send him on a guilt trip because he totally adores me and woukd never ever hurt me intentionally. At the same time, perhaps it is better if I tell him how I feel.

Tell him! Otherwise, it's just going to eat away at you and eventually it will become a big problem. Get everything out in the open.

I split up with my girlfriend because we weren't talking about the big stuff (NBE not included) and brushing it all under the carpet. It's good to talk. Please learn from our mistake!

I guess you are right. It's hard to bring this subject up though, just out of the blue, especially since he is totally unaware of this being a problem, or me knowing what he has posted online thinking I would never read it.

Maybe I should give him the link to my blog so he'll "accidentally" read how I feel, then continue from there.

I think (for what it is worth) that the insecurities you have are your own. Having read most of what you have written ( think) and seeing your pictures (I have seen the picture of your boyfriend) let me suggest a few things:

1st: He wouldn't be marrying you if he had a problem with how you looked.
2nd: You are really "HOT", by international standards.
3rd: Your boyfriend is O.K. looking but must really be a nice guy, guys will be thinking, "How did he get her?"
4th: I remember a skit on "Saturday Night live" where the girl said to her marriage counselor, "My boyfriend masturbates to porn after I go to sleep", it's just something guys do, it has no relation to the outside world (Ref. "Official Man Book , subsection 1, rule 1).
5th The subject matter during those fantasies has nothing to do with reality, otherwise we would all be arrested at some point or another.
6th The blog is yours, share it if you want to but if you need to talk something, for God's sake just talk about it.
7th You will be giving him fodder for a future argument: "You: "Why don't we talk anymore?", Him: "Why don't you go blog off!"
8th Get over it whatever way you need to, if you have to talk to him, do it but don't carry the baggage into the marriage, there is a lot more you are not aware of.
8th: Refer to 2nd
9th: Refer to 8th

If none of the above works, marry a Latino, we'll fold you right into the mix.

you're a great looking girl, your blog is great, your very smart and you have a good sense of humor. What more could a guy want! don't worrie it most likly doesn't mean anything, but if your not sure it's better to talk about it and set the record strait about how he makes you feel.Better now than later! Don't worrie and be happy! ;)

Yeah, but I got a bit alarmed when I saw a comment he made when some dude posted a topless pic of a girl he went out with...

Quote:
"Dump her and get a bird with some tits"

She was my size.

And I don't mind porn. I just wish some of his girls looked like me.

They (porn chicks) don't look like you because he has you!! That's just how guys think. If she turns out to be a monster, well ( a guy will think) at least she has nice tits. You could always ask: "Do you think I have nice tits?, just preface it with, "You better give me the right answer or you'll never touch them again!!"

A lie wouldn't make me feel any better.

Sometimes us guys say dumb things,not giving it a thought, Specialy when we talk to other guys it's some kind of a guy thing.I know it can be really dumb and insensitive but that doesn't mean it reflects how we feel about the one we love.As for porn, it's fun! A lot of the girls are fake, boob jobs and so on. You're real and look great with very nice boobs! I would be happy if mine would grow any where to what yours are.. Be confident, a girl like you wouldn't have any problems getting guys to adore you. So don't woorie so much about what he said ,it probally doesn't mean anything. take care! ;)

His answer wouldn't be a lie, it would be a desperate attempt to reconcile with that which he fears he may be losing. His response would be an attempt to make up for his in sensitivity, as he pondered his potential loss. My wife used to say I ignored her boobs. Then it was her ass and so on and so on. I vary my fetish obsessions with her now. Marriage is a journey, not a destination.

Thank you for all the advice and fedback. I really needed some other views on this than my own. Big hug to all of you!

FF, I know I'm a chick but I wanted to comment... It is entirely possible that the topless pic which you thought was your size didn't look the same to him. He might be so enamored with you that he thinks you DO have tits (by his standards- obviously you have them regardless.) Does that make any sense? We put the ones we love on some imaginary pedestals, just because we love them. In his eyes, your boobs are most likely bigger than you think.

I sure hope so. Thank you for the encouragement! I really needed some.

I let him know how I feel and he got "hurt"...

I mailed him to ask if he wanted to chat on msn and I got this:

Well, according to you, I'm a two timing breast obsessed pervert with no compassion or understanding whatsoever of female needs.
With that in mind I'll just pop over to www.bigpolishtits.com. There's plenty of those in London.

Yours, somewhat annoyed,

XXXX



For those of you who wonder why we are emailing, it's because we're 1000 miles apart right now. I'm supposed to go visit him in a little over a week, I hope things ease up until then.

Oh my!

You're quite the hotty! You have *NOTHING* to be ashamed about.
You should consider yourself very fortunate to look so good! Wow!

If I looked like you I would be one **very happy** camper!

Anyway, best to find out all the secrets ahead of time, better it come out now that later.
If your lover doesn't appreciate your assets, he's not very bright, IMO.
Sounds like a womanizer anyway and sounds like the type that would cheat on you in his quest for his ideal "perfect woman"..

That's just my 2 cents from the very little I know. But one thing I do know, most men are incapable of being faithful or appreciating their lover for what they are, as they are.

Hope that helps...
Oh yeah, and all the me's are in agreement for once, you DO look good!



Dip me in estrogen and throw me to the lesbians!

Ta Ta's! ( . )( . )

Hey Fen. I'm sorry to hear that.If he got upset with you, I would believe that, he may have been a little insensitive towards your feelings afterall, and you may have hit the nail right on the head when you told him your concerns.Instead of comforting you, he got upset at you. Sometimes guys will get upset when they're approached with the truth. It tends to hide the guilt by turning it around and making it look like they're the one being victomized by your concerns. Anyways CHEER UP! Things will work out for you, oneway or another. SMILE :)

Thanks for the support.

This is a guy who's got a Ph.D in clinical psychology, and he sends me a link to www.bigpolishtits.com...

That was rather insensitive on its own! That was'nt very smart on his part. To me it looked like he threw a jab at you.

"This is a guy who's got a Ph.D in clinical psychology, and he sends me a link to www.bigpolishtits.com..."


Ok, that's messed up. Someone like that should know better. Sounds like he's jerking you around and trying to play head games.
That's not the actions of someone that is concerned with your feelings, that's the actions of someone that's using you.
What a crappy thing to do. What a crappy way to treat someone that's supposed to be your lover.

He's going to break your heart down the road, you can count on that. If he's already being such an ass like this he'll be much worse down the road. And head shrinkers always have a superiority complex, a holier than thou attitude, they are manipulative, deceptive and the only thing you can trust them to do is to constantly put you down as their inferior. Be careful.

Oh yeah, Freud was a FRAUD..



Dip me in estrogen and throw me to the lesbians!

Ta Ta's! ( . )( . )

I dunno, sounds like he was talking from the heart there to me - I think he sounds upset.

And that line about most men being unfaithful is complete rubbish. From my experience, it's women who are the two-timing cows, such as my last girlfriend!

HEY! Twinklepose, good to hear from you!
I agree with you about the part( most men can't be faithful to their lovers). I believe thats not quite true. Some times there are circumstances that would cause a man to go a stray. But I don't think that's the case here! I believe she had some issues that she needed to be comforted on.Instead of making her feel better,He made her feel worse by getting angry at her. Its the same feeling for us if women go to a stip club or out and say things like: look at the size of that bulge in his pants,What a cute Tushy he's got and so on. So I feel that her issues were legit...


Anyways Twink, how's it going? any progress yet? Let us know.
Happy Growing

Blu-jay :-)

I wanted to wait before I responded to your predicament hoping you would resolve you situation with your boyfriend. Based on his comments you have posted I can only say that if your boyfriend used one of the oldest ploys in the world. I know because I have used it often. "He's hurt?", come on now, If you were someone I was dating I would have you wrapped around my finger. His response is not the one that a man gives to a woman he loves. Back him up against the wall and let the marbles fall where they fall. You deserve more than that. There will be quite a line of guys lining up at your door as soon as they find out you are available, in the event of a break up.

Hallo! Fen. Are you there? Are you o.k?

Yeah, I'm just thinking a bit about things.

Fennel,

I hope you're OK and things are working out for you and your other half. Sorry if I was a little blunt in my earlier message.

Twink x

Yes FF, I too hope you are doing well.
I also apologize for being harsh and blunt, that's one of my faults.
I always tell people what I really think and usually it's sort of cold. I guess that's one of the reasons I have so very few friends.
I've tried to push people away from me so they can't get inside or don't get a chance to "peek behind the curtain".
I didn't intend to be mean or hateful, I just related what I've observed in this world over the years, in general.
Not all men are *******s, just MOST of them.. And I'm not exempt from the list.
My male persona's are all rather assholish except for one, the male person I am when I am around people concerning work.
Everyone likes that me.

Eh, I'm stupid and talking nonsense, I'm confused now so I'll stop.
I'm sorry.. Please don't be mad at us.... :-/



----------------------
Dip me in estrogen and throw me to the lesbians!

Ta Ta's! ( . )( . )