Planet WCW presents.....
Animal Talk!!!
Coyote's Corner for 04-06-04
Hey what's up? This is Kenny, writin' to ya from my
Coyote Den in The Desert. I just got the new Animal
Talk and it's a little different this week. It seems
we have a missing Pig. Well, I'm gonna take a look at
what Dogg and Gill have to say and then, as always,
I'll give you my unbiased perspective.
Warning: If you don't have a sense of humor you're
gonna hurt yourself getting mad at me!
***********************
Stardogg: And me, I am the foulest mouthed canine on
the net with a masturbation joke for any occasion,
Stardogg Champion. We are short an animal tonight. The
Pig is still MIA. We've been looking for him since his
brief call to me last week during RAW. All we know is
that currently he's not in custody and he's not dead.
He is determined to get a hold of his favorite WWE
diva Jazz and clear up any misunderstandings they
might have.
****************
Coyote: He's not in custody and he's not dead? Just
the fact that you'd have to say that concerns me. It
sounds like Peter is in trouble.
*****************
Stardogg: So here we go. The show tonight is from
Cincinnati, Ohio. Isn't that near your home pond Fish?
Gill: Yeah it's about five hours from where I live
*****************
Coyote: That's a long swim.
******************
Gill: How about some Mudslides in memory of Pig
*******************
Coyote: Isn't it a little early to start drinking "in
memory of Pig?" He hasn't been gone that long. I'm
sure he'll be fine. I hope so anyway. Having a
positive attitude is the key. Page will tell you
that. Hey, did you know that Page is coming back to
wrestling? He is! It's so cool!
********************
Stardogg: First thing out, three members of Evolution.
The current Intercontinental Champion Randy "the
legend killer" Orton and the tag team champions, Dave
Batista and the 16 time world heavyweight champion,
the dirtiest player in the game, the Nature Boy, Ric
"Woooooo" Flair. Ric Flair goes into a nifty tirade
that only he could get away with. No one gives mic
like Flair.
*****************
Coyote: Did you see how red Flair's face was getting?
Damn, I thought he was gonna have a heart attack.
*****************
Stardogg: Out comes the hardcore legend Mic Foley. I'm
sorry but he's rapidly losing respect in my book.
Gill: Same here, I never thought I would say that but
Foley bores me now
********************
Coyote: I was really enjoying his return until that
horrible 'This Is Your Life" skit. But maybe The Rock
is to blame for that. Now that I really think about
it, the angle was really going well until Rocky got
involved. See, Mick was having a really intense
build-up to his match with Randy Orton, but Rocky
can't do that sort of an intense hardcore angle;
Rocky's more of a comedian. So I don't know if it's
really Mick that's boring you Gill, I think it was
just a bad situation Mick got involved in, having to
tag team with Rocky instead of just having a
one-on-one match with Orton. I don't think you'll be
bored with him now that Rocky's gone and Mick can go
back to being the crazed maniac that he is.
Dogg, which book are you talking about? Mick Foley
has written several, including a couple bestsellers.
I wasn't aware that you had a book. What's it about,
catching Frisbees?
***********************
Stardogg: Foley asks for and gets a PPV match for the
IC title at the next RAW PPV, Backlash. No
interference allowed. The match will be under ECW
rules. For those of you who are unfamiliar with those,
I'll explain.
Gill: you are so helpful here, go ahead
Stardogg: I do my best, Fish. Under ECW rules you
can't use guns or knifes. No masturbating is allowed,
unless someone like Dawn Marie or Tammy Sytch was out.
Aside from that, there are no rules. Anything goes.
***************************
Coyote: Awesome! You are Da Dogg. That's exactly
what ECW rules are - couldn't have said it better
myself. If they really do this it's gonna be fuckin'
cool!
****************************
Stardogg: Next match we have will be a ladies fight.
This time new RAW chick Nidia will take on the wig
wearing Molly. In yet another revolting statement, the
fucking Burger King Lawler asks JR if his wife wore a
chinstrap. JR says he has no idea what the King is
referring to. Trust me JR, you don't want to know.
Nidia during this match pulls off a picture perfect
"Northern Light Fisherman Suplex" you're likely to
ever see.
Gill: She has gotten better
*****************
Coyote: Maybe, but god she is so dumpy looking. She's
no Missy Hyatt, that's for sure. Missy had class.
Hey Ginger, how would you rate Nidia's fashion sense
on a scale from 1 to 10?
******************
EB decrees that at Backlash Edge's welcome back match
will be against Kane. Shit, talk about a trial by
fire.
Gill: No kidding, but it should be a good match
*******************
Coyote: I think so too. As far as size, style,
technique and everything they're perfectly matched.
Should be a classic.
********************
Stardogg: Now a pimp for a DVD for Stone Drunk Steve
Austin. Yea, he's a great fucking role model. He was
just arrested again for beating the hell out of his
girlfriend. They should throw the alcoholic fuck in
prison. Next up....Stand Back...There's a Hurricane...
**********************
Coyote Rant Of The Night:
While I wouldn't say he's a role model, and I've never
heard him say he is one or wants to be one, you've
gotta admit he is one entertaining S.O.B. Besides,
what kind of an ego would a wrestler have to have to
go out and say "I'm a role model - kids, act like me."
You'd have to be such a fucking arrogant prick, you'd
have to be...oh, wait a minute, Hulk Hogan did that
didn't he? Hogan's a lying piece of shit though. He
didn't tell the kids that to really emulate him they'd
have to shoot steroids. Oh, and getting a radioactive
orange colored tan from going to tanning beds every
day is a great thing to do too. My point here is that
Hogan did this shit and called himself a role model.
He tried to be a role model, wanted to be a role
model, and yet he was so full of shit. Austin never
tried to be a role model, never claimed to be one.
It's like Charles Barkley said "I play basketball.
Parents should be role models." Bottom line.
******************
Stardogg: HHH is in the ring, alone. Gee, I still hope
for another incarnation of the Horseman without HHH.
Gill: Me too
************************
Coyote: You really do? I don't. It wouldn't work.
How can you have a Four Horsemen without Tully
Blanchard or Arn Anderson? It would be sacrilegious
to defile the great Horsemen name by bringing new guys
into it who had nothing to do with the creation of it
in the first place. They wouldn't understand what
made it work in the first place because they weren't
part of it.
************************
Stardogg: Great so now fucking HBK and HHH are fucking
stealing Benoit's limelight, again. Fuck both of these
egotistical bastards.
Gill: It should have just been a one on one match but
this will suck
*******************
Coyote: I agree. The match they had at WrestleMania
was so great, they shouldn't try to top it. Seeing
Benoit one one-on-one with HHH would be much better.
********************
Stardogg: To the ring and Lance Storm. He says he
tried to please the people, tried to be liked and it
didn't work. No, it didn't and it's all Goddamn
Vince's fault.
Gill: Damn right
Stardogg: Why not find whatever restaurant Justin
Credible is sweeping up at, hire him back, ship them
both to SD with Dawn Marie and get the Impact Players
back.
********************
Coyote: That's such a good idea, it's so simple, so of
course they'd never think to do that.
**********************
Stardogg: Rhyno comes out and after a fast match, a
Gore that makes Bill Goldberg's look like the weak ass
shit it was, Rhyno with the win.
*********************
Coyote: I don't know that Goldberg's moves were so
weak. Bret Hart might feel differently.
*********************
Stardogg: Now Tajiri is in to talk to EB. Now EB
speaks fluid Japanese yet he has to pretend that he
doesn't understand Taj. Tajiri also speaks fluid
English, but he has to pretend not to. Know who I
blame for this stereotypical racial crap?
**********************
Coyote: Oh, I know! I know! It was the guy who
invented angles, you know, those things where
wrestlers "pretend" so that there can be some sort of
a storyline, or some kind of hook to get you into a
character or a match.
Gill, you're the wrestling historian here. Who was it
that changed pro wrestling from a strict shoot and
added "pretend" elements to it? I'm pretty sure it
wasn't Vince.
*************************
Stardogg: Here comes fucking Shawn Michael's, full
music, lighting and pyro. Fucking arrogant bastard.
Gill: True but Benoit doesn't need pyro, his music
just kicks ass
***********************
Coyote: Ya know, there was a time when a wrestler
didn't need music or fucking pyro if he could just go
out there and kick ass. I'm sure Peter can remember
that. So who really gives a shit about their fucking
entrances anyway? It's what you do in the ring that
fucking counts. This isn't a Broadway play, this is
wrestling goddamnit!
************************
Stardogg: Yes they are. A Benoit flying headbutt and
sweet chin music gives them the win and the titles.
Gill: I like it
************************
Coyote: I would have liked it too if the fucking
referee had kept track of who the legal man in the
ring was. This is why it's so motherfucking stupid to
have a "special guest referee." No other respectable
sport would do that. It's ludicrous. If your regular
referees suck, you hire new ones, you don't keep them
on the goddamn payroll and then bring in some stupid
cocksucker for an "important match" It's bullshit.
**************************
Stardogg: Dirty look from CB to HBK and you know, I
don't think he likes him. Considering this is the
cocksucker who fucked over Brett Hart, who was his
idol and teacher. For what it's worth Mr. Benoit, I
don't like the motherfucker either.
Gill: There's a surprise
******************
Coyote: You're not the only one who hates Michaels.
One of my favorite wrestlers, The Franchise Shane
Douglas hates Michaels too. It goes back to when
Douglas was in the WWF and had a match where HBK was
supposed to lose the title to Douglas. Well, rather
than lose to Douglas, a greater athlete, Michaels
feigned injury and handed him the title. He wouldn't
do a job for Douglas, which is total bullshit. The
Franchise is one of the greatest wrestlers of all
time. Fucking Vince did everything he could to hide
that fact, giving Shane a ridiculous "Dean Douglas"
gimmick. Shane hates Vince too by the way, heh heh.
I've got a quote from him at the end of this column
that I think is pretty fucking interesting.
*******************
Stardogg: Y2J runs a great anti - Trish rant that is
truly wonderful.
Gill: Yes it is, some of his best work since his feud
with Stephanie
********************
Coyote: Yes, it was very good. I don't always like
Jericho's promos. Sometimes I think they're great but
other times I think they're kind of silly. But
Jericho was on tonight.
*******************
Stardogg: He calls Trish a FDBT.something or other
which means....Fish if you would.
Gill: Filthy.... Dirty..... Disgusting..... Conniving.... Trash....
Bag..... Whore. I know I left out a few more names but
hearing it is something entirely different it was great and
Trish did a great job selling it
************************
Coyote: I remember what it was: a Filthy Dirty
Disgusting Brutal Bottom Feeding Trash Bag Ho.
Fucking cool. I also liked the part where Trish tells
Jericho she was WWE Babe Of The Year 3 times in a row
and Jericho replied "Wasn't Babe a talking pig?" That
was great. I bet Peter would have enjoyed that. It's
not every day that talking pigs are mentioned on
wrestling shows.
*************************
<Ring~Ring>
<The Fish and Dogg look at one another>
Stardogg: This can't be good.
Gill: I ain't getting it
<The Dogg picks up the phone>
Stardogg: Yellow? Pig, where the hell are
you?............ Pig, No! She has a restraining order
against you. She........ ....Pig listen...you'll go
to jail bro. You don't want that. If you tell me where
... Pig? .... Pig?
Gill: I'm worried there bro
Stardogg: He gonna end up in jail with his unholy
obsession with Jazz.
********************
Coyote: Holy shit. This sounds like something that
would happen to me!
*********************
Gill: It seems that at Backlash that CLB will be
taking on Y2J...again
********************
Coyote: What creative booking for Backlash! It's
really gonna suck if they don't have at least one
rematch that tops the WM match. My pick for this
would be Stacy vs. Jackie in Hell In A Cell. Their
original match was actually the night after
WresrleMania, but fuck it, that's close enough. It
was a classic too, until fucking Vince interrupted it.
**********************
Stardogg: This was a good fucking match. Sheldon
showed so well and, for the record, HHH sold for him.
Gill: Yes he did
Stardogg: The actual wrestling was impressive and
Sheldon taunting the Game was nifty. Something you
really don't see much of, and it worked.
*****************
Coyote: It was an impressive match. I'm really
starting to like Shelton Benjamin.
******************
Gill: Let me say this...Shelton is ready for that
next step...push him now
********************
Coyote: It looks like they are.
*******************
Stardogg: They both had fun in this match, and fun is
what is missing in wrestling. Speaking for myself, I
miss that.
Gill: Well, speaking for myself, me too!
*******************
Coyote: I miss Missy. And Tammy Sytch. And most of
all, Woman.
*********************
Stardogg: Ric Flair is out to help his friend in the
Game and out is Chris Benoit to even the sides.
Eventually in a stunning ending that even had the Dogg
staring on in disbelief, Sheldon gets a roll up
victory against the Game.
**********************
Coyote: It was amazing. It was one of the first times
on RAW in a long time where something important
happened that you didn't already know would happen.
***********************
Gill: I loved that...a clean pin
************************
Coyote: I didn't think they still did clean pins in
WWE.
*******************
Stardogg: Fuck, Fish, did I really just see that?
Gill: Bro, I could hardly believe it too, but yes
Stardogg: So will this trigger the change that HHH is
really a team player, willing to put other guys over
and is ready to be elevated up to that next level that
so few can ever achieve? Guys like Ric Flair, the
UnderTaker and Brett Hart achieved that panicle. Will
this be the next step for the Game?
*****************
Coyote: Could be. Obviously what they've been doing
hasn't been working, so it looks like they're trying
to do something different now.
*******************
Gill: Let's hope so, I have always admired HHH's
performance in the ring but I have always dogged (No
pun intended) his political game (Again...ummm
nevermind)
Stardogg: Only time will tell. As far as I'm
concerned, this was nice, as we him getting pinned
cleanly at Wrestle Mania 20 by Benoit to lose his
strap, but he has so much further to go to be on the
afore mentioned road, this isn't even a baby step yet.
It's just a moment in time. We'll have to wait and see
what the Game does. My guess is that he'll follow in
the footsteps of his revolting asshole friend HB-Gay.
One never knows do one?
********************
Coyote: Well, like you said, he's gotta do a lot more
than just do a couple of jobs, but it's a good start.
By the way, when you mentioned the guys who reached
the top, who were great and willing to put guys over,
The Hardcore Legend Terry Funk should definitely be on
that list. As just one example, in Terry Funk's
Wrestlefest, which was a big show that Terry promoted
by himself as his last match in Amarillo, Terry put
Bret Hart over in a great thirty minute match.
Well that was it for RAW. Now, I have a special treat
for everyone. Here is a quote from Shane Douglas
taken from a recent interview he did. The question he
was asked was how much longer he intends to keep
wrestling.
"I see a whole lot of unfinished business out there.
Had this been 1996 or '7 or '8 when ECW was really
rolling and I felt the future for that company was
pretty strong, I might have left, I might be leaving
right now. But because Vince has perverted the
business to such a degree - and this is not my
standard anti-WWE tirade, this is stating a fact I
believe - that his version of the product is so poor,
and so many people have walked away from the table -
so many wrestling fans, that I still see a challenge
to try to bring them back to the table before they
become permanently gone. And what I see in companies
like MLW and TNA is the opportunity to provide that
type of performance and that type of product that
those fans that have, no pun intended, been
disenfranchised from wrestling can come back to the
table and enjoy.... The business has got to survive.
There's a ton - thousands, possibly hundreds of
thousands of 7,8,9,10 year old kids out there just
like Troy Martin was in 1972, '73, dying to be a
wrestler that should have the right to do that. And
not to sound corny but I do believe that if we don't
save wrestling from Vince's clutches right now, to
sound diabolical, that wrestling could very
conceivably go the way of roller derby and I don't
want to see that happen."
There you have it from the 3-time ECW World
Heavyweight Champion, "The Franchise" Shane Douglas.
That's it for this edition of Coyote's Corner. Good
Gawd! See ya!
*Self High-Five*
Kenny Coyote acecrusher2002@yahoo.com
[PeterPorkr] Before you go, remember to check out The Ring Post where you'll find a ton of great posts by some of the best writers (of any genre) on the Internet today, including Annie, Der Kommissaar, Jones, Tony D., Ginger of "Sort of" fame and her diametric opposite, the always evil & utterly vile giver of the famed "Bag of Hell" awards, BarbWireMike (who also happens to run the all new Lethal Wrestling. If you stop by their forum, just tell Mr Monday Night I sent you. He's my biggest fan.).Then, cruise on over to the PhenomForest for all the latest in the ever evolving story of the American Badass and his friends. Until next time, this is PeterPorkr (peterporkr@netzero.net) for Kenny Coyote (acecrusher2002@yahoo.com) saying good night world and God bless. Oh yeah, thanks for reading!!!!!!
|
