Animal Talk: Dogg report on Raw for 06-28-04

Planet WCW presents.....
Animal Talk!!!
Raw remarks for 06-28-04

These are the thoughts, ideas and opinions of the foulest mouth canine of the Internet today, Stardogg Champion. I am not connected to any wrestling organization.

Warning: these columns contain adult language and ideas.

Please be forewarned.

Animal Talk for: June 28, 2004

All thoughts expressed in here are the intellectual property of Stardogg Champion.

Hello to one and all and welcome to another night of McShit, brought to us by Vince, Tits and the rest of the WWE.

Figured you’d like an update on us lads here on the farm. We’re slowly rebuilding from the twister touch down. Pig and I have both submitted our plans to the builders on our abodes. They are a bit upset with the Pig. He’s submitted plans for a new two-story sty, complete with entertainment lounge, state of the art computer room and a special “hot mud” pool area. It will be interesting to see what he gets.

Our clubhouse is, unfortunately, going to be on the bottom end of what gets rebuilt. Maybe some time before we have it back.

Pig and I went to the computer store here in town the other day. Pig threw a complete fit because they had nowhere near the level of technology the Pig is accustomed to. He borrowed a truck and is off to the big city to get his laptop and other such equipment. He also plans to stop at our insurance agent and scream at him. Seems they don’t put much of a monetary value on all his “Jazz” multimedia he lost.

I do hope the Porkster is back soon, the shows are hard enough to do with company. Alone I tend to fall asleep. I think if Pig still isn’t back, I’ll ask the Coyote to sit in next week.

Real fast lets inform the readers of the SmackDown PPV results. The results are that the PPV completely fucking blew. Oh, details……….fine…..

Mordicai defeated Bob Holly

Sable out skanked Torrie Wilson

Luther Reigns defeated Charlie Haas (and Miss Jackie showed plenty of tit)

The Crusierweight Champion Rey Mysterio defeated Chavo Guerrero.

John Cena retained his I-C title against RVD, Booker T and Renee Dupree

John Bradshaw Layfield defeated Eddie Guerrero to become the Heavyweight Champion.

The UnderTaker defeated both Devon and Bubba Ray Dudley, made lightening hit Paul Heyman and buried long time manager Paul Bearer in concrete, thus “killing” him.


The show tonight is from Richmond, Virginia. Slackjaw (Ross) and Sodimite (Lawler) calling the action or lack there of.

We start with the mandatory video recaps. We see the going ons with HHH, Eugene and the current heavyweight champion, the Canadian Crippler Chris “Toothless Aggression” Benoit.

To start the festivities out comes Evolution, in masse. HHH, Ric “Wooo” Flair, Dave “the Monster” Batista and the Intercontinental Champion Randy “the Legend Killer” Orton.

We see the sign “HHH is RAW” ~ sad but true.

We get a small HHH rant and then he calls out everyone’s favorite mentally challenged wrestler, the guy who rode the little bus to school, Eugene.

E is scared of HHH due to the events of this past week. HHH assures him that it was only business, and that they are still “friends”.

HHH continues to bolster the friendship and even calls Benoit <gasp> a jerk. They offer to make E an honorary member of Evolution. Orton and co. look a bit surprised by the move.

The Pigs favorite pillock is out to try and save E from the dastardly plot of HHH. Sir William Regal stalks out, clearly unimpressed with the happenings.

I gotta tell you, I find this whole bit slightly surreal. I remember back in the day when a very young Hunter Hurst Helmsley and an equally as young Squire David someone or other were put with the veteran Regal, to learn how to be the arrogant blueblood guys they both became.

HHH then dismisses Regal and points out to E that Regal was out to get E to quit from day 1. Sad but true.

Now out is RAW GM Eric “Vince has to pay me now” Bischoff (Easy E).

Eric tells HHH and Regal that tonight they can have a match to settle their difference. The special guest referee, Eugene.


For the first match of the night, and only 22 minutes from the start, we get the same exact fucking match we got last week…….and the week before. Orton and Tista to take on the lads from Canada, Chris “Y2J” Jericho and Edge.

Despite a good match again, the crowd is nearly comatose. Who can blame them? We get treated to the same exact matches week in and week out. Despite the fact that there are four of the best ring workers in the WWE today, to continue to shove them together and down our gullets is getting old.

At some point during this match, the venues fire alarm goes off. Maybe Kane was playing with fire again?

Any of the four in the ring would make a very credible champion, but tonight it’s a tag team match that is won by Edge and Y2J. Quality match.

Now a recap of those crazy kids, Matt “the only” Hardy, the Coyote’s favorite Diva, Lita and the Big Red Uncle Fester looking fucker, Kane.

Backstage now and Flair expresses his dismay at what the Game has done this night. Actually a great comeback by HHH as he tells the senior that it’s a page out of Flair’s own book. HHH says that he’s learned much from RF and now he’s doing as he should, he’s gonna use E before they destroy him.

Now a Diva pimp from NYC.

Now a tearful Lita attempts to get her love Matt on the phone, but he’s not answering.

Now Stacy “She’s got legs and knows how to use them” Kiebler comes upon the weeping Lita and asks what’s wrong. (Fucking Duh! Maybe what the say about blonds is true.)

Lita explains her tears are for Matt and blah blah fucking blah. What would have been great would have been for Stacy to look at her and say something along the lines of, “Yea, you fucked up, Girlfriend.”.

We see the ring is now surrounded by security guards. They looks as tough as old ladies trying to get the last seat in Indian Casino Bingo parlor, which is pretty fucking tough actually.

To the ridiculous University of Oklahoma fight song, to the ring comes that old Oklahoma asshole himself, the spokesperson for Adult Depends (he’s not just a spokesperson, he’s a customer) “Ole Cowboy Hat” droopy drawers himself, Jim “Alzheimer’s” Ross.

JR calls out Kane and out he is. He looks as if he just got done masturbating. He’s all red faced, sweaty and grinning like a fool.

JR starts talking to Kane…..and it’s…….I don’t believe this fucking crap. It’s all about fucking goddamned Shawn “HB-Gay” Michaels. I thought listening to Ross verbally lick Steve Austin asshole on a weekly basis was bad. Now that we get to listen as Ross verbally suck Michaels’ cock on a weekly basis and it is downright disgusting.

They start discussing the pregnancy of Lita. Kane says he took every precaution to make sure she got pregnant. Yea, Vince wrote this shit.

I mean, you can take precautions to try to avoid pregnancy. But to ensure it? So you don’t use a condom and you don’t pull out. Big deal. I really don’t think Kane is up on Lita’s cycle or anything. Dumb fucking writing by stupid fucking writers. Fuck Vince.

Suddenly Matt is out and all over Kane. I don’t understand that either. Not just in this case but in all of them. Guy’s woman cheats on him, lets kick the guys ass. Woman’s man cheats on her, fuck him, get rid of the bastard. It’s like we can’t win.

Easy E is out and has Matt removed……..whatever.

Out trips Eugene to ref the next match.

Now we’ll see HHH taking on his one time mentor, Sir William Regal.

Pretty good action for a bit there. Again, I have to say this, at least HHH will sell for people. He has sold for Eugene last week, sold for Sheldon Benjamin last month. Even sold for Benoit. Now if that was HB-Gay out there, forget it. He sells for no one. He thinks he is the real ICON.

Fuck HB-Gay

(Editor's note: With a red hot poker!!!!!!!!!!!)


Looks as if Regal might be on the verge of upsetting the Game until Flair tosses a pair of brass knuckles into HHH, out of the sight of the ref of course. Regal is on to the cheating and grabs the knucks before HHH can use them.

Unfortunately, E see’s his old mentor with the knucks and Regal is DQ’d. E gets very upset and then after an inadvertent shove, freaks out and attacks Regal.

The Brown Farm Sign of the Night:

“Lita Does Dallas”

I know Kenny will hate it, but damn, that’s funny.

Now the Tag Team Champs La Resistance (the French Fuckers) Sylvan Griner and Rob Conway will compete in a non-title match <sigh>

They will take on those representing the U.S.A. the odd couple of the last ECW Heavyweight Champion, the Man/Beast Rhyno and his unlikely partner, hall of famer Sergeant Slaughter.

Does the Dogg have a problem with yet another old timer being taken out of mothballs and recycled in the WWE yet again in a lame attempt to garner a bit more rating points despite the fact that they are completely out of their league out of shape and they never were too good in the first place?

Not really. I know that this is a one-time deal and that it’s due to the closeness of the fourth of July that is why he’s out. He won’t be out as a competitor next week or the week after that. I’m fine with it. As the Pig says, “It’s all about the chin”.

La Resistance wins. What the fuck is that? Ok, now I have a problem with it. Why drag Slaughter out if he’s gonna fucking job? Fuck Vince.

Now a pimp for the soon to be release biography for the 16 time world heavyweight champion. The jet flying, limousine riding wheelin, dealin, kissing stealing sonuvagun, the dirtiest player in the game, Mr. Space Mountain himself, the real Nature Boy Ric “Woooo, by God Mean Jean, I’m gonna win the title and dance all night” Flair, entitled, appropriately enough, “To Be The Man”

It’s not as good of a read as Foley’s biography was, but despite that, it’s a great read. If you are a long time fan you will enjoy the look of his career and see why he is one of the best professional wrestlers of the age. If you’re too young to remember Flair in his NWA days and those spent in smaller regional feds you’ll enjoy reading how Flair became “the man” and one of the most respected men in the business today.

Now some quality backstage time with Easy E and HHH. <---- sarcasm alert.

Another Diva in NYC bit

Now Easy E informs the Coach that next week his dear Nephew Eugene will be the GM next week. Eric must be going to have a fresh coat of shellac put on his hair.

Now the lovely Lillian Garcia is center ring….telling us……..fuck who cares??? …….. It’s Lillian!

The main even of the night is for the World Heavyweight Champion. The Champ Benoit can only retain his title by making his opponent submit (tap out) while by way of contrast the opponent for the strap, Kane, can win by pinball, submission, disqualification or count out.

Not a half bad match all things considered. Benoit puts on a clinic and eventually makes Kane tap.

Then, Lita is out, all smiles and praise for Kane as the PMBD (Post Match Beat Down) of Benoit is in full effect. She presents Kane with the strap and then…….nails him in the nuts.

Kane gets pissed, and fuck, who could blame him? He goes to beat the hell outta Lita but remembers she is with child and refrains from it. That shit might get him fired.

We all know Goddamn fucking Vince thinks it’s just great to beat on women. Not only that, but if the cunt has a miscarriage, so much the better. Yes, Vince’s personal thoughts I assure you. Lets us not forget, this is the sick douche bag motherfucker that wrote the script that his own daughter getting gang raped. What a Dad.

Matt is out and the show is over.

Had a nifty ending, but fuck it, I’m done. Remember whose fault it is, and just say, “Fuck Vince!”

Stardogg: As always, it has been your pleasure. I sincerely hope I offended each of you, at least in some small way. Your comments are welcomed, and thanks for reading.

Stardogg (stardog_99@yahoo.com)