Planet WCW presents.....
Animal Talk!!!
Raw remarks for 01-17-05
Stardogg: These are the thoughts, ideas, opinions and the drunken ramblings of the foulest mouth canine of the Internet today, Stardogg Champion. I am not connected to any wrestling organization.
Warning: these columns contain adult language.
Thoughts expressed in here are the intellectual property of Stardogg Champion.
<Asst. Ed Note ~ you know, I, the Dogg, had such a rough time with this. Because of Jerry Lawler and Shawn Michaels and what they did during the course of this show, I found myself screaming at the TV. How these to parasites have the unmitigated audacity to refer to themselves as human beings is beyond me. Even by my standard, I just went off during my construction of this column. On the profanity scale of 1to 10, this one gets a 14. Please be sure to catch the closing bit by me. It’s very important and deals with one of the biggest things facing not only our nation, but the world today.>
It’s that way, cuz it’s been a snowy day, and from the Dogg, Fuckin A! I hope you are all doing well as we start off this New Year. Things are pluggin along here on the farm. Pig’s place is being totally revamped since the flooded. To say he’s in a foul mood would be an understatement of biblical proportions. He had just gotten new carpeting and he lost some valuable Jazz multimedia. Fish is still nursing his lady back to health and Tony is deep in hibernation as Tiger’s are prone to be in the winter. So it’s just moi, lucky you. Sit back, grab a beer and a fat filled high sodium artery clogging snack of your choice and kick back and I present to you the Monday night crap-fest knows to you as McShit.
The show tonight comes to us from north of the boarder, in Toronto, Ontario Canada. The pathetic and played out Jim “Alzheimer's” Ross and Jerry “Puppies” Lawler calling the show.
The show starts with the same lame ass weak video tribute the WWE has shown over the past years for the anniversary of the birth of the Rev. Doctor Martin Luther King Jr. It’s about as sincere as Jeffrey Dahmer telling us he’s a vegetarian.
The predictable boring recaps start the night off, as par normal; it’s all about the Gayme. HHH/Orton/Tista and their love fest they’ve been treating us to lately.
We go to the ring and the person in it……….you know, this pisses me off. This guy doesn’t get an intro does he? Fuck no, but goddamn HHH gets three or four a night. I guess when you fuck the boss on command that happens.
This is Canada, and the guy in the ring is a favorite and fuck, he should be, The Ayatollah of Rock and Rolla..the man of 1004 holds, the lion hearted one, the first ever untied world WWE heavyweight champion, one huge rock star, the king of bling-bling, owner of the set he’s in now, the Highlight Reel, Chris “Y2J” Jericho!!!!!!! Yes the intro by me was bit over the top, but God knows he won’t get in in the W.W. “HHH” E.
This is Chris’s home and the fans are very appreciative of him, with a huge “Y2J” chant that he has to stop a few times to allow to calm down. Chris hypes his match tonight with fellow Canadian and Hart Dungeon graduate, Chris “Toothless Aggression” Benoit.
We learn that…….<sigh> ……Y2J qualified for the Royal Rumble (RR) in a match during some house show. This is what fucking pisses me off. We don’t get to see what I’m sure was an outstanding match because there isn’t time. Maybe if goddamn HHH didn’t fucking get fourteen segments a night, there might be a bit more time.
Before the real shit starts, Jericho is trying to pimp his band, Fozzy’s, new cd, the first they ever done of original music, “All That Remains” (a great disk by the way) but can’t really get it out before ….
In more revolting Vince McMahon written shit, before Jericho can get going much, out come the Arab fucks.
God knows HHH had plenty of time to shill his fucking goddamn book he didn’t even right and his fucking movie.
Hassan whoever and his stooge are out to bitch about America and Jericho. Jericho thinks the same way I do as he refers to the other dude as a “wacky, goofy, creepy sidekick” ~ well great minds and all that.
The fans in Canada basically shout the two towel wearing fucks down and whatever. ….. wasn’t paying much attention, I was reading my book, “Blood Enemy” by Greg Cox, the prequel to the movie Underworld.
And the PHRBBD, or post highlight reel bit beat down, is on. Benoit is out to save the day and he’s received just as warmly has Jericho was.
Point of mention, during the course of the night, I saw 24 signs paying homage to “The Best there is, the best there was and the best there ever will be” Brett “the Hitman” Hart. Fuckin A!
Backstage we go. What you thought we’d stay in the ring? This is wrestling you silly people; it’s all about back stage. This time HHH is arriving (figures he’s fucking late) and he insults some stagehand. You know, I would have cried myself to sleep in joy if the guy had of taken a wrench out of his pocket and bounced it off HHH’s arrogant fucking face.
The once mighty and respect Ric Flair, who is completely worthless, thinks this is funny and starts to rub HHH’s crotch.
HHH expresses his concern for or rather over the other member of Evilution, Dave Batista. Yea, I would be to considering he’s still legitimate and you’re not HHH.
The New Tag Team Champions, the French Fuckers, are out. Seems since Eugene was hurt at the PPV, Regal was forced to drop the straps at a house show.
The French Fuckers will team with the Amazing Stickboy, Maven and the trio will take on the team consisting of the IC champ Shelton Benjamin, Rosie and the Hurricane.
Oh jeez, Jerry Lawler just said, “You know, Maven reminds me of me”. Gee, when were you a legit black wrestler Jerry? Go fuck yourself.
This match was over so fast; I blinked and nearly missed it. I looked down, read on paragraph <Lucian is helping track down other lican’s> and I heard the bell. The French Fuckers won.
The Brown Farm Sign of the Night:
Steph fears Paul Heyman
We go to the backstage area now, and thank God, I thought we might have to watch wrestling or something.
Randy “the Legend Killer” Orton is walking to the bathroom to take a leak and runs into Stacy “Legs” Kiebler. Seems Stacy is quite smitten with Orton and gives him a small kiss on the check. That bastard.
I think I was wrong. I said Orton couldn’t possibly get anymore popular by doing anything. He will be in time, no stopping that, but he’s peaked for this level. I was wrong. He hooks up with Stacy, he’ll be ever more over.
Now JR wets himself as he tells us that the Texas Rattlesnake, Stone Cold Steve Austin himself will be in LA this week to announce something in a press conference.
<We know now that Vince and Austin had a love in where they announced they’d be making three gay porn movies together.>
For some bizarre reason, the movie “Friday Night Lights” is given a pimp now. It’s a great movie, one of the best sports movie you’ll ever see, but why they are pimping it on here I have no idea.
Orton to the ring in a “I want my belt back” bit. He says that being the champ was the best thing that has happened to him. Hey kid, nail Stacy, I promise you’ll change your mind.
Now H3 is out for his “how great am I” bit. God, these are so predictable. He tells us he’s beaten this guy and that guy so he’s the shit. Yea, well you never beat Brett Hart did you, you arrogant fuck?
HHH then calls Orton a “young punk jack off kid”. Can he say that on TV?
H3 into the ring, he and Orton exchange punches, he comes the enfeebled Flair and Orton takes them both out. Good for him.
Folks we are 47 minutes into the show, and we’ve had one match that lasted for 6 minutes.
Backstage again, this time Flair and HHH are walking. HHH’s hair is messed up so he’s a snit. He barks at some cute chick. Flair tries to apologize to her with his charms. I think he wants to fuck her.
Suddenly Tista shows up and HHH is all sunshine and smiles for the big man.
The Animal for Evilution, Dave Batista tells HHH he’s cool about last week. He then runs off to talk to RAW GM Eric Bischoff about something. Maybe about wanting to get the fuck away from HHH?
Now the Coach is still backstage with the repulsive piece of crap, Shawn “HB-Gay” Michaels. The boo’s from the Canadian crowd are so audible backstage, house mics are cut. Good, I hope they never let Michaels forget what a revolting piece of shit he is for screwing over Hart.
HB-Gay wants in the Rumble and Bischoff comes in and says that since Gay has won it twice, he’s in, doesn’t even have to qualify. Since we know Vince writes and books RAW, isn’t it safe to say Shawn’s been sucking a lot of dick lately?
Back from the commercial and Christian and his gay lover Tyson “Goatboy” Tomko are in the ring already. They didn’t even get a televised intro? Fear not, here comes mother fucking HBGay, full intro of course. Goddamn I hate this arrogant piece of pig shit. Maybe one of those fine Canadian citizens will throw a fucking hand grenade at him.
Now Edge is out to watch……..maybe he’s got the grenade?
Before Gay vs. Christian can even start, we go to break. Back from the commercial and the match is half over? What the fuck is that? Maybe if goddamn HBK’s intro didn’t take 20 minutes and HHH hadn’t had five fucking bits already, we might have gotten to see a bit of the fucking match.
Stupid fucking Jerry Lawler says while a “You Screwed Brett” chant “I just don’t understand why these fans have this reaction to Gay.” ~ Yea, Jer is that fucking stupid folks. Goes with the name because wrestling Internet aficionado and stupid shmuck shithead SamJerry doesn’t either.
We learn that Christian qualified for the RR at another house show. Great. Lets go watch HHH lick his own ass again backstage.
I do not understand how my friend the Fish can say he likes the King, I really can’t. He’s as big of a turd as Vince McMahon himself. Now Lawler said that no one hates Brett Hart more then he does. That’s it…….fuck him…….
<The Dogg goes off on a tirade that lasts on and off for three days on what a repulsive piece of shit Lawler is>
The Dogg’s Rant of the Night
Let me tell you why he hates Hart. You see, Brett Hart is acknowledged as a great wrestler. Something Jerry never was nor will he ever be called that. People like Hart because he never tried to be something he wasn’t, unlike Jer, who walks around wearing a fucking crown. It’s not even Halloween. Grown man walking around in fucking costume calling himself the King. Brett Hart helped run a credible wrestling training center in the Hart Dungeon that produced among others Chris Benoit, Chris Jericho, Lance Storm, Justin Credible, Jim Niehart, Davey Boy Smith, the Dynamite Kid, Brian Pillman and both Owen and Brett Hart. Jer’s little fed has NEVER been respected, has turned out NO ONE OF ANY NOTE. It only exists so Lawler can pretend he’s was ever a legit wrestler and can make himself the champ whenever he wants.
He says Canada is “Bizzaro Land” Yea, sorta like your house, eh Jer? You know with you stealing your son’s girlfriends?
Fuck Jerry Lawler ….. Fuck him in his asshole with a big rubber dick. ……. And break it off and make him eat it.
Jim Ross says he just wants to forget the whole Survivor Series incident. Shit, you forget everything else you old bastard, just give it time.
A completely lame stupid fucking match that has fucking HB-Gay beating Christian, Tomko and Edge. What incredible bullshit. Is there any doubt left that he’s sucking on Vinnie’s pipe?
Edge attacks with a chair and fucking Super Gay beats it off as well.
Now in a RR qualifying match Dave Batista destroys the big fat tub of shit called Viscera to qualify.
More backstage bullshit with HHH and friends.
HHH tells the big man, “no one likes a selfish self-centered egomaniac” Yea, no shit you fuck.
In more baffling created Vince McMahon written bullshit, the Jericho/Benoit match isn’t the main even?
A truly wonderful match that was pure joy to watch. The fans appreciated the effort on by both and it showed.
Stupid fucking Lawler, “the fans are so stupid they don’t know who to cheer for” ~ how can Fish like this piece of shit.
Jericho finally counters the Sharpshooter attempt by Benoit for the win. They shake like the real men they are. Fucking Vince should have been taken notes.
Now a recap of every single moment of the Kane/Lita/Snitsky/Baby angle. Every one. Fuck, they don’t show matches but we get to stay backstage watching HHH masturbate and get recap after recap of bullcrap.
Now hometown girl and women’s champion Trish “I Swallow” Stratus is out. Lawler thinks she’s hot. Ten bucks says he rapes her with in the next month.
Trish runs an anti US bit and rails on the now injured Lita.
Inside sources have reached us here on the farm and it turns out Lita isn’t really hurt. She refuses to suck Vince’s dick so Vince has suspended her again. Word is until she’s willing to drop to her knees on command, as Trish does, there is no place in the WWE for her.
Kane then proves that he’s sucking Vince off as well as he comes out and chokeslams Trish, “Straight to Hell”.
Lita is carried out <yawn> on a stretcher.
And now the main event of the night <??? Boggle ???> Gene Snitsky takes on Kane for the 105,382,576,576,623,734,632nd time in the past 12 months.
This is such lame booking. The fans were doing the wave for Gods sake.
A real yawn fest this was, even with the ending. While both up on the entrance ramp, Kane chokeslams Shitsky off of it through the table down below.
Neat part, but not because of anything to do with the match. You can see as Kane sets Snit up for the fall, he looks down to where he’s throwing him. You can see Kane pause in mid motion. Then you can clearly see him smile at Snit and mouth something.
What he mouthed was, “I’m coming with you”. What I think happened was when Kane looked down there, he wasn’t entirely sure if there was something under the table Snit was about to go through. So what he decided to do was go down with him, feet first so he could break the table and hold Snitsky up from taking a bad hit. At least, it’s my speculation.
Ok, we have to deal with this. This week some Christian group came up with a declaration that Sponge Bob Square Pants was gay. Now the pundits have chimed in with that it’s misguided and there is a Website controversy. Let the Dogg set the record straight.
Is Sponge Bob gay? Of course he is. All cartoons are gay, and I don’t just mean happy. They are ALL GAY.
All you have to do is look at them. Look at the pairs! Heckle and Jeckle, Batman and Robin, Green Lantern and Kato, the Long Ranger and Tonto (was a cartoon before TV). They are ALL gay.
How many times did Batgirl try and get either Batman or Robin alone? Never happened. They were Fagala’s. Know why they always played the stupid music when they shot from the Batcave? They were fighting over what to listen to on the radio. Batman wanted to listen to Cher while Robin wanted the Pet Shop Boys.
Superman? Who else but a queer would dress in skintight red and blue spandex with a cape?
Spiderman? Well there is his gay spandex outfits and the dominatrix hood, but come on, what’s her face played by Christen Dunst in the movies has always wanted Peter Parker, and for no good reason he says no.
It goes all the way back. One of the first cartoons, the mouse that eventually became Mickey Mouse, Steamboat Willie. He walked around in a sailor suit all the time. If you’re walking around in a sailor suit at any time except when you’re on a ship and in the navy, you’re a fag. What do you think that Village people song; “In the Navy” was all about? You know the Village people. The musical kings of queers. “In the Navy, Macho Man and YMCA”…back to the toons.
Donald Duck? <See sailor suit rule above> plus, Donald never wore pants, did he?
The Flintstones! Anytime Fred had one moment of humanity and expressed his feelings, he was with Barney! Not to mention, Betty was dude in drag. Betty, starts with a B…beard??? Come on! Remember at the end when Fred gets locked out of the house, Wilma never let’s him back in? She had no reason to. As soon as the camera was off, he’d go over for a three-way love fest with Barney and B(en)etty.
The Smurfs! 100’s of guys living in the same place. One chick, and you never saw Smurfette get laid one time. As much of a slut as she was, she never got any play. Everyone wanted to hang around with Hefty. Remember what his tattoo was? An anchor..another sailor.
The Simpson’s. On the gay scale this show gets <in a homo voice> three snaps and an around the world! Now I know what you’re thinking. Homer is the typical all American man. Beer, broads and TV. No queerness in him. That is correct. The rest of the show is gay. First off you have the openly gay Waylin Smythers and his geriatric fetish with Mr. Burns. The two big bull dyke sisters? Yea, that one keeps getting married, but it never lasts does it? Few days, tops. Ralph Wiggum? He’s the stereotype homosexual mama’s boy. After little Lisa breaks his heart, he turns to the comfort of daddy’s handcuffs. Millhouse is a homo just waiting to come out of the closet, you know that. And Nelson!!! He has the young nimble virgin Lisa in his room, on his bed. He tells her to get out; he wants to go to sleep. Then he breaks up with her to spend more time with the guys. And don’t get me started with Carl and Lenny.
Scooby Doo? You have the obviously lesbian Velma who’s constantly giving Daphnie goo goo eyes. Fred who is obviously gay, look how he dresses. He wears a fucking scarf. Poor Daph has done everything but giving him a nude lap dance on the top of the Mystery Machine and he never looks twice. Daph is obviously the town slut who thinks she’s so good she can turn him straight. And of course the stoner Shaggy who is so high most of the time he doesn’t know what planet he’s on. And I’m not even going into his oh so close relationship with Scoob. Lets not even talk about why Scooby sound the way he does.
For Christ’s sake, Bugs Bunny was a cross dresser. How many times did we see him in a fucking dress?
The Jetsons? Of course, how many times did George get called back to work, late at night, to help his boss work on his “sprockets”?
The Rug Rats? Anyone care to tell me the female twin of Phil, Lill isn’t a bull dyke in training? Look at her face for God’s sake!
Popeye? Again, refer to the above sailor rule. Not only that, but before any of you think of calling me out, as Olive Oil was his woman, don’t. She looks like a little boy. And Bluto always chasing Popeye around? Cacacacaca!
Remember when a few years back these Christians were all upset because they said one Teletubby was gay? What crap. THEY ARE ALL GAY. The hold hands in their big house they all share. The only thing missing is Michael Jackson and a tub of KY.
Folks, just face it, cartoons, all of them, are gay.
Your comments are welcomed and thanks for reading.
Contact info:
Stardogg (stardog_99@yahoo.com)
PeterPorkr (peterporkr@netzero.net)
