Planet WCW presents.....
Animal Talk!!!
Raw remarks for 01-24-05
Stardogg: These are the thoughts, ideas, opinions and drunken ramblings of the “Dynamic Duo” down on the Brown farm, consisting of Peter Porkr and Stardogg. We aren’t connected to any wrestling organization.
Warning: these columns contain adult language.
Stardogg: Come this way, it’s Pig’s day, Fuckin A! How is everyone today? Celebration on the farm as we mark my best friend here on the internet, Peter Porkr who’s birthday was yesterday, but fuck, we can carry it over, any excuse to drink and smoke weed! Happy Birthday, Pig!
[PeterPorkr] Thanks, Dogg, and this is a big one too. I'm now officially too old and tough to eat for holiday dinner. But enough about me. Let's party!!!!
Stardogg: Many things we have in store tonight to go along with the party as we watch our Monday Night McShit. Pig has his own segment he’ll be starting a bit later on.
[PeterPorkr] Only if someone does something whimpy enough on the show tonight to merit my new award idea.
Stardogg: A few small notes to get to, CSI is still on so we got a bit. Major nods in acknowledgement to the now late king of late night TV, Johnny Carson who shuffled off this mortal coil last night to go entertain the masses up in heaven. Carson was a true talent. Anyone who can tell the lamest jokes and still be funny is a talent.
[PeterPorkr] Without Ed McMahon (No relation to Vince, thank God.) laughing at all those lame jokes, Johnny would have flopped like a fish out of water.
Stardogg: Pig is happy that his New England Patriots for the third in four years will be in the Super Bowl. This year, they get to pound the Philadelphia Eagles.
[PeterPorkr] It's a dynasty I tell you, A DYNASTY!!!!!!!
Stardogg: Finally, I’m begging everyone, please please please, lay off Ashley Simpson. Yes, I realize she sucks. If we don’t lay off this girl, she’s going to go postal and start killing people.
[PeterPorkr] I didn't like her when she first surfaced but she's grown on me since then. She's definitely getting a bumb rap and handling it better than most people twice her age. The Saturday Night live fiasco wasn't her fault. The tech idiot cued up the wrong song. What was she supposed to do? And the half-time show debacle was also blown WAY out of proportion. Everyone who performed on it sucked because the sound system was a piece of crap. Oh man, all this talk really works up a powerful thirst. What's to drink?
Stardogg: Pig, I got the ice-cold keg of Bud hooked up and since it’s your day, I went a head and hooked the hose up to your sipper. Just push the button and drink, bro.
[PeterPorkr] Great! A little piece of duct tape to hold the button down and voila! <glug, glug, glug> This is better than a bottomless mug. You don't have to wait around for the refills. <glug, glug, glug>
Stardogg: RAW comes to us tonight from <sigh> God’s butt hole; Oklahoma City, Oklahoma (OKC). And I want to qualify it. This is not an off the cuff remark by me. I’ve done my time in the city and state. My grandparents lived in the suburb of OKC, Midwest City, right on East Blossom off of Air Depot, by Tinker Air Force Base. Aunts lived in Del City, Tulsa and OK city proper. My mother was born in Enid and went to high school in Altus. And no remarks on my mother, she was smart enough to leave! The entire state is a shit hole. Know how all major cities have “the bad section”? It’s the whole fucking state folks. They are the dumbest people in creation. They are some of the most backwater people you’ll ever meet, and mind you I’ve spent time in the Pocono’s in Pennsylvania and the Ozarks. These people are fucking stupid. This leads us into …..
[PeterPorkr] A rerun of Hee-Haw?
Stardogg: This is “JR Day” in OKC. Isn’t that grand? The idiots elected a King!
[PeterPorkr] So now JR is a king too. Him and Lawler look more like a pair of queens to me.
Stardogg: Our mandatory opening recaps tonight are of the Snitsky/Kane match and fall that ended last week’s show.
Stardogg: Ross and Lawler are the announcers and to start the show off, Ross wets himself or rather his Adult Depends, as Shawn “HB-Gay” Michaels is out to as much fan faire as the champ usually gets. Pig, I just don’t understand how anyone can like this selfish bastard.
[PeterPorkr] Join the club. Jannetty had all the talent in the Rockers. Michaels was nothing but a glorified punching bag. He joins the WWE, starts stomping his foot like a horse in heat and the brain dead sports entertainment fans eat it up with a spoon. Go figure. Speaking of eating, what's on the menu tonight?
Stardogg: Yes Pig, I knew you’d be hungry. I bought, just for you, two dozen beef tamales, complete with extra husks. Also you’re very own jar of Lindsey’s special 5-alarm salsa. Have at it, bro.
[PeterPorkr] ~~~~~> WOOSH ~~~~~~~~> <gobble, munch, slobber>
Stardogg: As Gay makes his way to the ring, JR has…
The Brown Farm Dumb Shit Quote of the Night:
“Folks, Shawn is from San Antonio, that’s just down the road from us.”
Stardogg: No, it isn’t. It’s not even fucking close. It’s at least 200 miles and that’s under cutting it.
[PeterPorkr] A mind is a terrible thing to waste. <gobble, munch, slobber>
Stardogg: Now, this is a six-man tag match, and only fucking Gay gets his whole intro. Gay teams with Chris “Y2J” Jericho and Chris “Toothless Aggression” Benoit to take on the trio of Christian, Tyson “Goatboy” Tomko and “the man who used to have an” Edge
Stardogg: Again, the announcing is so sub par, it’s practically revolting. JR spends most of his time verbally sucking off Gay and then, for no reason at all, mentions that the crowd in Canada last week was, “an odd lot” ~ No they weren’t. They just didn’t want to let Gay off because he’s a no good rotten motherfucker.
[PeterPorkr] And those are his good points.
Stardogg: Benoit hits his trademark “Three Rolling German Suplex’s” and then it’s up on the turnbuckle and … It’s a bird …….. It’s a plane ………. It’s a flying Wolver……….
[PeterPorkr] <BRAPT!!!!>
Stardogg: God damn it, Pig!
[PeterPorkr] It's not my fault!
Stardogg: Yeah, the tamales, I know. Naturally, fucking Gay has to be the fucking hero and he nails his “Gay Butt Tune” or “Stupid Kick” on Goatboy for the win.
[PeterPorkr] Hey Shawn, how big is your penis?
Stardogg: Great, now we see the cameras in the back for a segment. Shit, I hate this backstage bullcrap.
[PeterPorkr] You spoke too soon.
Stardogg: It's Stacy “Legs” Keibler …….and she’s walking! Wow! This is great TV, BRAVO!
Stardogg: Before we get back to the ring from commercial, we have a clip for the recently dead Johnny Carson. This time a bit from '84 where the guest on the couch was none other then a very in his prime Hulk Hogan. Look Pig, he’s still got hair! This clip also showed us how smart Carson really was. He’s looking at Hogan like he’s a totally fucking idiot.
Stardogg: Back from the break, and Stacy marches her cute ass to the ring…….Hootchie Smootchies Piggy!
[PeterPorkr] Indeed!
Stardogg: Jerry Lawler, while watching the lovely Ms. Kiebler, has the …
The Brown Farm Quote of the Night:
“Wouldn’t you love to be her thigh master?”
Stardogg: Fuckin A, Jer, Fuckin A! Now, some big mash about it being “JR Day” and the wrestling legend Danny Hodge is in the ring. Who the fuck is he, anywho, Pig?
[PeterPorkr] Ric Flair's younger brother?
Stardogg: Hodge tells us that JR is a, “great wrestling personality” notice he didn’t call him a good announcer? JR just goes on one of the lames rants you’re likely to hear this year. Shit like, “I was Sooner born, Sooner breed and I’ll be a Sooner until I’m Sooner dead” Fuck JR!
[PeterPorkr] With a goal post!
Stardogg: JR states he wishes his parents could be here to see this. They are! They’re in the third row; I told you he’s a senile old fuck. JR continues to drone on until
Time To Play The Game
Stardogg: I’ve never been so happy to see HHH as I am right now! The Game is over exposed and has become so lame, it defies explanation. He still has his moments though. And the first part of this showed that. It was great. He says that JR’s speech was so touching it would bring a tear to a glass eye! The downward spiral of Ric Flair continues as he bows to HHH. All that is left is for Ric to kiss his boots and blow him.
[PeterPorkr] They're saving that for the DVD.
Stardogg: Like I said, this was HHH at his best. About OKC giving JR props, “That’s like crap telling puke it smells good” ~ come on Pig, that’s funny.
[PeterPorkr] As a crutch.
Stardogg: He also pokes fun at the Sooners getting trounced by USC in the BCS game 55-19. “That’s the sort of game you leave in the third quarter”. I was thinking of leaving at half time, but whatever.
[PeterPorkr] Now, that's funny!
Stardogg: HHH was on for this part, he points to Hodge and tells JR, “look, take Father Time and get out of here”. More crap goes on as JR refuses to leave. Don’t know about anyone else, but I’d rather see JR dead Sooner rather then later!
[PeterPorkr] Less talk, more food!!!!!!
Stardogg: Pig, there were 24 tamales there. You can’t have gone through them all!
[PeterPorkr] The key word is "were". <burp!> Don't tell me that's all we've got to eat. I'm just getting warmed up.
Stardogg: No, of course I planned. I got you five of those sampler platters you like from TGI Fridays. Chicken, cheese, peppers, nachos and ribs, all deep-fried for you. Go for it my friend.
[PeterPorkr] Yeah baby, YEAH!!!!! <gobble, munch, slobber>
Stardogg: Stacy is manhandled by the Game, JR back for the save, nut shot by Flair, and Randy “the Legend Killer” Orton in for the save.
Stardogg: Backstage we go and Flair and HHH accost some girl. They are laughing over their antics and the monster for Evilution comes in, Dave “the Animal” Batista. HHH and Flair are gloating on their treatment of Stacy, JR and Hodge and Batista looks disgusted. We’re right there with you big guy. Tista tells them he is going to get his Royal Rumble Qualifying (RRQ) match from RAW GM Eric “Easy E” Bischoff.
Stardogg: Now, we go into see Eric who is being spoken to by Sir William Regal and the Coach. Seems Regal wants a RRQ, but gets buttfucked instead as the Coach gets Regal’s RRQ. Enter Robare Conway and Sylvan Griner aka the “French Fuckers” (FF) and they both want RRQ as, and I quote, “we go both ways” ~ well now we understand why Vince keeps them around. Tista in, demands his RRQ and Bischoff decides on a handicapped match…….
[PeterPorkr] They're bringing Tenacious Z back?
Stardogg: No Pig, I don’t think Zach “One-Leg” Gowen is what he has in mind. Tista must take on the FF’s. If he wins, he gets in the Rumble. If the lads from France win, they both are in. The FF’s look very happy at this, but as Batista glares at them, he decree’s it, “no problem”. You know Pig, I believe him.
[PeterPorkr] Too bad, when all is said and done, HHH will squash his push just like he does everyone elses.
Stardogg: Now, Coach is in the ring to be ring announcer for our next RRQ, fuck! Why? Where the hell is Lillian?
[PeterPorkr] Well, she was checking out Y2J's butt earlier tonight. Maybe they're in the back, playing a little tonsil hockey.
Stardogg: The RRQ is Tajiri vs. Viscera. Vis kicks the complete shit out of Tajiri in two seconds to win. What crap. The Japanese Buzz-saw has more talent in his pinky then this big black lump of shit has in his entire 400lbs worthless carcass.
[PeterPorkr] Didn't Vicera lose his qualifying match last week against Batista?
Stardogg: In case you were wondering, the reason this bag of crap has a job when such names as Raven, Sean O’Haire and Jamie Noble were canned? Because Vince had enough light chocolate ass, so he canned Fatkishi. Now Vince is in a dark chocolate ass mode, hence Viscera. Fuck Vince!
[PeterPorkr] With one of Kane's famous flaming ring posts.
Stardogg: As fucking worthless as Rikishi is, Viscera is fucking worse.
[PeterPorkr] At least he doesn't wear a thong to the ring. That's gotta count for something!
Stardogg: The third Kane/Shitsky recap of the night.
[PeterPorkr] Three time's the charm.
Stardogg: Now, a bit between Regal, Tajiri and some new interview chick. I guess we are supposed to forget that Taj and Regal were thick as thieves at one point. No idea what was said, I was reading, “The Gunslinger” by Stephen King.
[PeterPorkr] I was paying attention and I don't know what they said either.
Stardogg: Now, another RRQ match. Batista will take on both French Fuckers. Before Tista gets in the ring, Rob goes on with “O’Canada”, French Flags flying high. Should tell you how fucking lame the booking is.
[PeterPorkr] You're just noticing the lame booking now? I want some of what you've been smoking!
Stardogg: Tista fucking destroys the French Fuckers. Double spine-busters that leaves Sylvan atop Rob. He then places the flags in a unique position on the two men that looks very much like he’s shoved the pole up Sylvan’s ass.
Stardogg: We see HHH and Flair looking on. Flair's clearly impressed and states, “that was impressive”, the Game isn’t thrilled. H3 declares he now, “has something impressive to do” great, he’s going to go jerk off.
[PeterPorkr] After all the steroids he's done, the fact that he can still find it is impressive. Shrinkage, get it?
Stardogg: Another RRQ as Val “the penis” Venis is out. Gee, this guy sure has evolved, eh Pig? All these new gimmicks for the guy.
[PeterPorkr] Let's see, he starts off as a porn star. Then he goes to OVW to develop a new gimmick, a porn star. Then he becomes a right wing zealot with Right To Censor. And then, he goes back to OVW to work on another new gimmick, a porn star. Now that's what I call plot development!
Stardogg: Val will take on the Arab ass Mohammad Hassan who is with his gay lover, Dahari. Dahari chases off Lillian. Yet another reason to hate him. He also screams all during the match. I think we’re incorrect on this. He wasn’t commenting on the match, he just wanted some fucking popcorn and he couldn’t get the guys attention.
[PeterPorkr] I know the feeling. <hint, hint>
Stardogg: Pig, you’re going to explode. But it’s your day. The movie popper is full to exploding with freshly popped hot buttered corn, go for it. It’s your day, you can even sit in it.
[PeterPorkr] ~~~~~> WOOSH ~~~~~~~~> <gobble, munch, slobber> Did you ever notice how my muscles really stand out when I get all buttered up?
Stardogg: Ummm, no. Anyway, this entire Arab gimmick is lame, past the pale, neck deep in bad taste and Fuck Vince for that. This dude Mohammad has talent. He quickly dispatches Val to get his RR spot. and the PMBD (post-match-beat-down) on Val. How lame is that?
[PeterPorkr] VERY!!!! Oh, that was a rhetorical question. Never mind.
Stardogg: To Evilution’s locker room and Flair is giving the grats out to Tista on his impressive win. HHH in, says he is proud as well and also has managed to get Flair in the Rumble. Flair looks nervous over it, Tista doesn’t. Then the boys in Evilution have a big group hug. What’s next? A circle jerk?
[PeterPorkr] They have to wait for Vince. He's the mouth piece.
Stardogg: Now, the “Amazing Stickboy” Maven is in the ring running his yap about wanting another RRQ match as he lost his first to Shelton. An open challenge is given… and it’s answered by Kane. Maven looks downright scared……yeah, no shit. Kane is a bit worse from the big fall last week. His arm is wrapped up and he’s pretty beat up. Maven then says the challenge applied to everyone but Kane, so he reissues it. He gets…. … Gene “the Ugly Fuck” Snitsky. Gene’s ribs are taped up, wrist in a cast and looks like he went twenty rounds with a prizefighter.
Stardogg: We get a lame triple threat match. Kane wins, but it was beyond lame, just trust me. Now, Christy is in the ring with the T-Shirt gun. Damn, no one fires that bad boy like she does!
Stardogg: We get a video recap of the big announcement from the “Texas Rattlesnake” Stone Cold Steve Austin this week in LA. Seems SCSA and McMahon have agreed on a three-picture deal. The first movie with Austin will be called, “the Condemned” ~ must be about Owen Hart. Need to say something about this…
The Dogg’s Rant of the Night:
[PeterPorkr] In that case, I think I'll take a quick spin over to Hooters for a snack. Don't worry though, I'm sure I'll be back long before you're through.
Stardogg: Cram it Pig. There’s a jumbo pizza in the kitchen for you with everything on it. Dig in.
[PeterPorkr] You don't have to tell me twice. ~~~~~~~~> WOOSH ~~~~~~~> <gobble, slobber, drool>
Stardogg: Austin has been out of the WWE and the public eye in general since he quit last year after Wrestle Mania. When the glass broke at this press conference and Stone Cold stalked out, middle fingers flying high, you sure couldn’t tell. Steve Austin might very well be the most over wrestler, ever. Bigger than Flair, bigger than HHH, bigger than Hart, bigger than HBK, bigger than Sting, bigger than the Rock and even bigger than Hogan.
[PeterPorkr] Bigger than my belly?
Stardogg: Not that big!
[PeterPorkr] Just checking. <belch>
Stardogg: Please, don’t anyone write to me telling me you hate him or why he sucks. You’re in the very tiny minority. The people in this room went ape-shit over SCSA, and these weren’t fans for the most part. They were reporters. Steve Austin represents middle America, for all the good and bad. He drinks beer, uses his middle finger, cusses and hates his boss. (sorta sounds like Pig and I eh?) Born from the freedom Vince Russo allowed him and based on an off the cuff remark by Austin after a match with Jake “the Snake” Roberts with, “You can take your Mathews 4:11’s and your John 3:16’s. Austin 3:16 says I just kicked your ass”. Loyal to none, he epitomizes DTA or “Don’t Trust Anyone”. I also don’t think there will be another wrestler as big as Austin, ever. And that’s the bottom line, cuz Stone Cold said so.
Stardogg: A RR Smackdown bit. and there is Edge with the Interview Goof…….blah …yadda ….. snore. Next, Randy Orton is out for his main event match. His opponent, The Nature Boy, Ric “Wooo” Flair who is with his buddies, HHH and Tista. A totally stupid match that has Tista kicked out of the area because of an H3 action.
Stardogg: Eventually the RKO wins the match and the night for Orton. Sorry to say, this match really sucked.
Stardogg: Ok, before Pig and I get out of here <taking Pig to Hooters where I have a special birthday cake. Who else but a Jazz look a like set to pop out of it and give him a special birthday lap dance> I must ponder on what to bitch about.
[PeterPorkr] I'll warm up the truck.
Stardogg: A story in last weeks Newsweek got me thinking. I’m going into this in an odd way, but bear with me. Johnny Carson of course died this week. The undisputed King of late night TV. I had to take back many of the ill feelings I had towards him as I just learned that the choice to make Leno the heir to Carson’s empire was not that of Johnny, but that of NBC. Carson was enraged come to find out. He should have been. Leno is a piece of crap that hasn’t said a funny thing in twenty years. At one time Carson accounted for 25 percent of his network's money. No other single show has come close to that. The most watched episode, one Pig might remember, the wedding of Tiny Tim to Ms. Vicky. He's credited with starting virtually every successful comedian today. From Letterman, to Seinfeld. From Carlin to Ray Romano, Carson gave them the shot. One of the men who shockingly gave Carson major credit for his career was former President Bill Clinton. At the time Clinton was trying to get Dem support for his first run for President. He did a cameo on Carson to play his sax. To quote Clinton, “I got more good press from that appearance then I did from two days of speeches at the DNC”.
Stardogg: So I heard that yesterday of course and then I remembered a Newsweek story from last week. Since then, the story has been confirmed from everyone from Matt Drudge to CNN and Fox News. You know, we as American’s are pretty stupid. The so-called “big divide”, blue states and red states. Them against us. Elephant vs. Donkey. Each side has their own big fat bags of air for spokesman. Rush vs. Michael Moore. The past election with all of us screaming at one another over political divide. The bitter hatred it inspired. We are so stupid, we are such puppets.
[PeterPorkr] No shit. We're still wrestling fans, aren't we? You need more proof than that?
Stardogg: The Newsweek story that told me that President Bush has a new friend. They talk between two to three times a week. Both men are said to enjoy the others company and said to respect the others opinions. According to Laura Bush, “George has never had a friend he talks to as often”. The conversations are said to be varied from the serious topics of today’s world to “shooting the breeze”. The Presidents new friend, Bill Clinton. We are such pawns. We hate one another and these two are playing fucking golf.
[PeterPorkr] Sounds like me and you, only we don't play golf.
Stardogg: As always, it has been your pleasure. Your comments are welcomed, and thanks for reading.
Contact info:
Stardogg (stardog_99@yahoo.com)
PeterPorkr (peterporkr@netzero.net)
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