Planet WCW presents.....
Animal Talk!!!
The Dogg Report
There is adult language contained in the following column.
<The Clubhouse is utterly trashed. Beer cans littler the floor along with food wrappers from what seems to be every take out place in the tri-state area. There is a huge banner hanging up that says, “Go Patriots” and several Pat’s flags lying about. >
Hey all, Dogg here. Well Pig’s Patriot party went well into today after the boys from Boston beat the Philadelphia Eagles to win the Super Bowl. The second in as many years, back-to-back baby, and the third in four years. That’s a dynasty folks.
Big time middle fingers to all those in the sports media who are constantly writing off the Pat’s. Tom Brady gets none of the credit he so rightfully deserves. For that matter the entire team gets none of the credit they have now earned time and again.
Gotta tell you, this was a good game, but everything else sucked. The commercials were some of the worst, ever. The only mildly good ones were the “GoDaddy” bits and those were even tame. The halftime show FUCKING SUCKED BALLS! You have the Pat’s from the nations birthplace in Boston and the home of the Liberty Bell in Philly and a fucking Brit as the show? Not even a good Brit either, but one so far past his prime, he’s crusty.
I heard some stupid Christian fuck saying how wonderful the show was and how the song done, “Hey Jude” was obviously about America. No it wasn’t you ignorant stupid fuck. It was about John Lennon’s son, Julian. Simply awful the halftime show was. It blew harder then Trish Stratus asking Vince for another title.
Anywho, the party went well into the night. Pig is beside himself with merriment and is going to be an impossible ass to work with for at least a month. Fish drank so much he just might be pickled. I even have a bit of a headache. We all decided to rest up for the week and come back next week with a new helping of profanity, honesty and a variety of new objects to fuck Vince with. However I know you all depend on us for the real deal on what happens, so here is a Dogg Report exclusive where I’m going to recap the week in wrestling for ya.
Before I give you the week in recaps for the WWE, lets do something I have been neglecting on Planet WCW for some time. Lets look at the news contained there in.
Looks as if JBL got married. In a related story, not only did no one else from the WWE show up, no one cared.
Raw Diva Candice Marie continues to get some great press for her appearance in the Super Bowl “GoDaddy” bits. A local newspaper labels her a “WWE personality and soft core porn actress”. Vince McMahon is furious over it. He says if he’d know that, she wouldn’t have a job. He thought she was hardcore porn actress. I look for her to be fired in days.
Yet another chick was busted for screwing one of her 13-year-old students this week. So how is that wrestling related? Well you see, Ms. Pamela Rogers Turner was a former Ms. Nitro. Woman was cute as hell too. What I want to know is this………where the fuck were these women when I was 13? Yes, I know it’s a totally sexist and immoral thing. Yes, if it were my daughter it would be different. You know why? Because it’s different with girls, that’s why. When her teacher screws your 13-year-old daughter, its rape….it’s a violation of trust. It’s something that can negatively affect her whole life. When your 13-year-old son is done by his teacher, that’s a winning lottery ticket. That’s something you’ll be smiling on your deathbed over.
In some very bad news for Vince McMahon, the Rock, Dwayne Johnson, recently said during an interview, “No, my contract is actually up with them (the WWE), it was up last year, so I'm done…" ~ Vince must be furious he can’t pimp out the Rocks good name anymore. Why, He’ll have to put HB-Gay back on double suck duty for that. You know, sucking in the ring and in Vince’s office too.
John Cena’s name is being tossed around to be in the next “Predator” movie. Possibly as the son of Dutch (Swatzenhagger) from the first. Maybe they could continue the trend. Since Jesse Ventura was killed in the first one, lets see…….oh I don’t know……. How about letting Matt Hardy getting his head ripped off by the creature this time!
In more movie news, the Rock and HHH are both in consideration for the next “Masters of the Universe” movie. Gee, considering the first one tanked, I’ll bet they are praying they get that one. Still, sorry for the Rock, but as I recall, He-Man was white. Now granted the Rock isn’t black, but he’s not white either. Plus, if HHH did get it, he’d be gone from the ring even longer!!!!!!
Rock is going to be in the movie version of “Duke Nuke Em” and possibly the Woo film “Spy Hunter” ~ if he’s not careful, he’s going to get type cast. The ex-wrestler videogame dude!
At a recent UFC event, former wrestler Bill Goldberg said he wanted to concentrate on acting. Well that makes sense I guess, he sucked at wrestling already, so he should try to suck as an actor as well. Goldberg said he’d be interested in participating in the PRIDE organization. In a related story, the owner of PRIDE said, “No fucking way”.
In Internet Wrestling News Colin Vassallo and Mike Aldren continue to pretend they are not bought and paid for by Vince McMahon and the WWE. I don’t know why they think the fans are that stupid.
Jake “the snake” Roberts told friends that he’s now engaged to be married. I hope he and his crack pipe will be very happy together.
Scott Hall got so drunk on a flight back from shows in Korea that an ambulance meet the plane and rushed Hall to ICU where he was immediately hooked up to an IV of Seagram’s 7.
Hector Garza has been told he may not reenter the US for a period of ten years due to his DUI conviction. Just wrap a dish towel around your head and call yourself Hakim Robsimjoni, they’ll let you right in. They’ll not even search you, just tell you to step right around the 70-year-old white grandma they’ll be strip-searching at customs.
Hulk Hogan is continuing forward with his lawsuit against WCW and Vince Russo for the “shoot” match and interview that was given there. Seems no one has informed Mr. Bolia that since Vince owns all rights to WCW, that he’s actually suing Vince.
Seems our old F5’ing friend in Brock Lesner is going to sue the WWE to try and get out of the contract stipulation that bars him from wrestling. He can’t work in that profession til the end of his WWE contract. Seems Brock was dumb enough to sign one until the year2010. As much as I’d love to see Vince get the short end of it again in court, he won’t. Brock ain’t got a prayer on this one.
For the Pig, Jazz has signed a short-term deal to wrestle over in Japan. I hope she likes rice.
Shawn Michaels officially sued his hair today. Seems that HB-Gay is upset that his hair isn’t as lustrous as it was and Shawn’s feelings are hurt.
RAW Diva winner Christy Hemme has recently inked a deal with Playboy magazine to appear naked…………fuck, I’m already in line for that issue.
Want more proof Vince McMahon is a fucking idiot?
Sources report that Vince McMahon has stated that Paul Heyman is off the writing team and will never be back. ~ that’s just great. More big nude male asses, that’s what goddamn Vince wants.
Amy Webber, the brunette bombshell that was part of JBL’s cabinet has told WWE officials she is done with the company. She apparently was upset at some ribbing that was being done at her expense and that her ass wasn’t being kissed enough. In a related story, no one in the company seemed to care.
Lets take a fast look at what happened Monday night on RAW.
The show was from Tokyo, Japan. Home of sushi, sashimi and Kobe beef ~ no he was named after the Japanese delicacy not the other way around. BTW if you have the means, try the beef, it is to die for.
Jim Ross and Jerry Lawler were the announcers. Unfortunately Ross didn’t get lost in all the people and did make it back to the plane to come back to the states. In other distressing news, it appears that Lawler did attempt to buy several 12-year-old girls on the black market but wasn’t caught. Damn the luck.
RAW GM Eric Bischoff started the show by running his mouth in the ring with an interpreter. They should have had him say shit like, “We Americans hate you all and wish we could nuke you again” ~ that would have been entertainment, folks.
Chris Jericho and Chris Benoit start the show with a “submission” match. Both of these guys are huge in Japan, both having spent a few years here before their days in ECW and WCW.
After a sensational match, Jericho must tap out to the Crippler Crossface.
To the back we go and Ric Flair runs his yap………can’t this guy shut up……..oh and keep his fucking shirt on?
HHH runs his yap on how he’s uncertain about Batista and how he can’t get his mind off of him. Personally, I can’t keep my mind off Jessica Alba. For that matter, I would have even understood if he said he can’t keep his mind off of Stephanie, but Tista? Fag.
HHH then departs to ask Batista out on a date.
Christian is walking around with some Japanese interview goof about all his “peeps” in Japan that he likes to call his “Jeeps” and let the lawsuits begin.
Then the pair walks into Stacy Kiebler……….no idea what they talked about, I was staring at her tits. Sorry.
Next up……..I’d call it a match, I guess, but really, it was just a complete ass kicking Batista handed out to Maven. The only down side was that he didn’t kill him.
With Tista in the ring, a SD clip of the Big Turd is shown comparing Batista in RAW to being a big fish in a little pond. Yea, sure, ok. In that case, Big Show is a large turd in a small bowl, moving on.
In a match for the Tag Team Championship, the champs La Resistance: Robare Conway and Sylvan Griener take on the team of Sir William Regal and hometown boy, Tajiri. To say Tajiri is over is like saying Pig enjoys his food.
I need to give the French Fuckers a bit of credit here; they did what fucking Shawn Michaels is not capable of. They not only did the job, they did it well. They allowed themselves to get beaten for the belts, not lost one bit of face doing it and made Regal and Tajiri look great. That’s being professional, something goddamn Shawn Michaels knows nothing about.
After Sir William and Taj have their titles in hand, they are over the barrier to party with Tajiri’s family and countryman. Good for them.
I don’t remember if I told you who this years WWE hall of fame inductee’s are last week or not, so I’ll tell you here. If I already did, sorry about that.
Paul “Mr. Wonderful” Orndorff: this guy had one of the most lethal piledrivers you’ve ever seen in your life and had a cage match with Rowdy Roddy Piper that is among my favorite matches ever.
The Iron Sheik: In an industry based on lies, he really was from Iran. Although he’s been a US citizen for well over 25 years. Crowning point of his career was winning the WWF title in Madison Square Garden from Bob Backlund. Also a multiple time Tag Team Title holder with his longtime partner and friend……
Nikolai Volkoff: One of the best heels of all time, and God, with his singing of the Russian National Anthem you know why, Volkoff stood the test of time. Ironically reaching the top as a face when he teamed with Hacksaw Jim Duggan to take on Iraq sympathizer Sergeant Slaughter.
"Cowboy" Bob Orton: The only real question is weather or not Orton’s cast will also be inducted as that is the part about the Cowboy most remember. Relegated to B card for his career, he’s part of the Hall of Fame that makes sense. He should be the first guy inducted into a new wing of the Hall, the jobber wing.
Jimmy Hart: The Mouth of the South ~ what can you say about Hart except, please take that megaphone and shove it up his ass. Hart’s place in the hall was never in doubt. If you were in wrestling at all during the 80’s and 90’s you had to deal with Jimmy Hart. He was everywhere. He managed so many champions it would take two pages to even come close to listing half of them. Unbeknownst to many, Hart also played another role in the WWF. 80 percent of all music used in the WWF until the early 90’s was composed by Jimmy Hart.
Capt Ego and Mr. Ego have a match, aka, Shawn Michaels and Ric Flair. As has become the par, Michaels simply can’t job to anyone; he can’t even sell worth a fuck. He eventually wins with a weak looking “Sweet Gay Music” to the chin of Flair.
A diva moment with the King so he has masturbation material for the rest of the night. Also some big Sumo fucker is introduced when Simon Dean comes out to cut one of the lamest bits seen by me in quite some time. It ends with the lovely Christy Hemme nailing Dean in the nuts.
HHH and Batista backstage exchange words of love and commitment.
………and Edge bitches to Coach a bit. You know, Edge’s stock is falling fast.
A match between Randy Orton and Tyson Tomko is on. Eventually Stacy and Christian are all at ringside to continue the ……… the ……… I don’t even know what to call it. This bullshit they are doing with Orton just stupefies me. I have no clue what the fuck they are doing. Then again, I doubt they know either.
Christian with the Postmatch Beatdown ~ if someone can tell me why the fuck they are doing this, please do. Until then, I’ll just say ……. Fuck Vince!!!
Edge to the ring. Hey, his new music is by AlterBridge ~ you know, Creed II
The main is for the title and it’s HHH vs. Edge. Batista got involved, it was a clustered match with HHH winning and blah…..yadda … snore.
Well that match certainly sucked and speaking of things that suck, lets move on to Smackdown.
SD came to us from Saitama, Japan. Tazz and Cole called the show, but weren’t in the house. No sir they weren’t. See, they both have to do a bit dick sucking before they get to go on the plane with the others.
A match for a spot in the title tournament was had the pitted Eddie Guererro vs. Kenzo Honda. For some odd reason, Kenzo wasn’t very over with his people. Eddie was. I hear after the show, they even had a few carjackings in the Latino Heat style!
Eddie won…………..like anyone didn’t see that coming?
Now Angle thanks his “boys” Jindrax, and Reigns for fucking over the Taker and promises a circle jerk later. (Can you tell I really dislike this show anymore?)
Now a match for the tag titles as Mark Jindrax and Luther Reigns take on the champs, the Bash Em Brothers, Doug and the Damia respectively.
After a short match, thank God, Taker is out to exact a bit of vengeance on the Kunt’s boys.
Joy is in the ring with the t-shirt gun, giving out some free cheap shirts and shaking her very cute ass. Only part I’ve liked so far.
Some big Sumo Wrestler fuck was shown.
Kenzo tells his Geisha girl Hiroko how he wants her to work over Torrie in their match later. Fuck, she’s going to “work her over” ~ I wanna see that, sounds like a few porno’s Pig’s got hidden around here.
Amy shoots JBL with a tranquilizing dart. Damn shame she didn’t shoot him with a .45.
We see Torrie in her Kimono getting ready for her ….you know, where Hiroko is going to “work her over” ~ hang on, let me get a few tissues.
Match of the night went to the Cruiserweight champion Funaki who successfully defended his belt against Chavo.
Some lame bit with JBL and Carlito Coolwhoeverthefuckheis. JBL looks as if he’s on some really good drugs. No wait, scratch that. He’s talking to a plastic lizard, make that some super fucking drugs.
Another qualifying match between the US champ John “Word/Life” Cena and Orlando “I didn’t kill that white chick” Jordan. And with an “FU” Cena picks up the win to advance.
Now OJ and Amy can’t find JBL. Amy seems to be upset over this. Fuck, I was thinking it’s one of the only things she’s done that I like so far.
Now it’s time for the Torrie/Hiroko ……….bra and panty kimono match? Shit! I thought it was going to be………….well never mind what I thought.
JBL stumbles out on the ramp with the blow up lizard and the fans aren’t happy. I don’t blame them, it looks as if JBL just buggerd Godzilla. He’s a local legend you know.
And then if you don’t believe me, JBL just took off his pants and tries to bugger the lizard again.
Big Show is out and is hurt because JBL didn’t invite him to the Lizzy Love-in. But it’s all a scam as JBL comes out of his stupor and out comes the rest of his cabinet and the PLDBBD (Post Lame Dinosaur Bit Beat Down) is on until a chair shot is missed and Show is up and cleaning house.
Big Show then calls in Japanese Sumo Wrestler Akebono into the ring and they discuss where would be a good place to go and eat later.
Kunt Angel calls Rey Mysterio a few racist things. Pathetic. Rey has more talent in his little finger then the Kunt has in his whole body.
In another qualifying match, Kurt Angle takes on Mysterio. Of course, Kunt services Vinnie and Rey does the job. I know many say it was a good match, but as far as I’m concerned, it was all the doing of Mysterio. Kunt won, moving on, well the shit er show is done.
Well that was it. This past week in the news, my hometown area of LA made the blinker across the country. The cops shot some 13-year-old kid and all the black activists are upset and screaming about the injustice of it all.
Now this kid, at 4 in the morning, in a stolen car, lead the police on a chase throughout LA, reaching speeds of 90mph. He finally crashed the car and then as the officers told him to get out, he backs into them. They opened fired and killed him.
Not that you asked, but as a young pup, growing up in part in Long Beach California, I was a bit bad. Well that’s an understatement. I was a criminal. I stole cars. I was even good at it. I was trained by an older boy who taught a few others and me the ropes. <Point of interest, one of the others who was taught by the same guy, a guy who was a bit older then me, and I really didn’t know him, but you might have heard of him recently, he goes by the name Jesse James>. Among the other things our mentor told us was the following. If you do this, you will eventually be caught and go to jail. (it was true and I did) If you run from the cops, they will beat the fuck out of you. (I never cared to try that one out, but I know those who did and they did) If you use deadly force against the cops, they’ll kill your ass. (Again, another one I never cared to test). The point is, most of this is all common sense right?
The fucking black activists are out screaming for blood. They’ve practically incited riots here.
All I got to say about this to those activists is this. Where is your outrage that a 13 year old was out at 4 in the morning running from cops in a stolen car? That’s the real problem.
To the cops, all I can say is ……..nice shootin boys!
I hope I’ve offended you all, at least in some small way. Your comments are welcomed, and thanks for reading.
Stardogg Champion
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Stardogg (stardog_99@yahoo.com)
