Planet WCW presents.....
Animal Talk!!!
Raw remarks for 03-14-05
There is adult language contained in the following column.
The Dogg Report
Hey, what the fuck and glad you could make it. Dogg here to bring it to you the way you like it, no window dressing here. Just our Monday night helping of McShit severed with a cold beer and a side of fries.
Lets take a look at a bit of wrestling related news before we get started.
It seems that Psychosis, Super Crazy, and Juventud Guererra will soon be part of RAW on the Smackdown side of the show. While not that familiar with Crazy, I am Psychosis and Juventude Guererra. You think Rey Mysterio can make you say, “holy shit” ~ you ain’t seen nothing yet.
From the big steaming pile of shit in the corner, we pull off top turd Tim Brown. Now this is the guy who just three weeks ago was all over the net saying that Stephanie McMahon was filling in for daddy Vince as he recovered from dual quad injuries. Brown states that many are not happy with her and she needs to step it up if she wants to be the heir apparent. Now, in a total reversal, he states, and I quote, “Stephanie McMahon has reportedly stepped up a lot and has gotten strong reviews thus far. One WWE source added quote, "She's definitely her father's daughter. She idolizes her dad and is emulating him as a leader. It would kill her to let him down. She's doing a great job." ~ why this piece of shit isn’t just admitting that he’s on WWE payroll is beyond me. So she’s turned around in three weeks? Like Vince was going to hold a raffle to decide whom to give the WWE to? It’s Steph’s lock, stock and disgusting barrel. They are just trying to convince all you fans that it’s up for grabs and not in the bag. It’s real early in this column, but……
FUCK VINCE!!!!!
With the same lump of crap, he posted the following in the never ending, gut wrenching disgusting saga of Matt and Lita: “There is a photo of Matt Hardy and Lita together over the weekend posted over at the official message forums of a punk band called Seven Seconds. The two were at the show and they've apparently got a picture. It's interesting to note that the two were together considering the latest talk as of late.” ~ well since all of that crap was stated either by Brown or Matt Baker, both WWE employee’s, it’s not much a fucking shock is it? This makes it real, in our official douche bag count; Tim Brown is now officially “Douche Bag #5”.
It seems that the first item the Playboy cover girl Christy Hemme bought with her cool quarter million was a Harley Davidson motorcycle. Is it any wonder why I love this woman?
A message that appeared on Matt Hardy’s personal site. Somehow part of it got cut off, don’t know how it happened, but by thankful, the Dogg called Matt and the entire bit can now be read, here, on Animal Talk. Matt’s words are his, as are what is in () ~ I’m just filling them in as they got cut off.
Greetings Amigos (God, my life sucks)!
I hope everyone that comes across this message is healthy, happy, and doing well. I am physically doing great, as I feel I am approaching being in the best shape I've ever been in. (Yep, with no Lita, I’m masturbating a lot!) Mentally I am trying to focus all of my emotions and aggressions towards training intensely to return to the ring. (Did I mention I’m jerking off a lot?) I am extremely excited about stepping back into a WWE ring, and doing what I do best. I am currently giving all my love and dedication to my career (You know, since that bitch Lita left me)-- I know that I will appreciate it, unlike others. (And fuck that ho-bag too) This time around it's about me, Matt Hardy (Ya hear that you ho?)--and us, my tried and true supporters (all five of them). In the past, I've always been a major team player (Matt broke into laughter here at the absurdity of that comment)—Jeff (bastard always got more women then I did), Amy (fuck that bitch), Shannon (Who had more talent then I did five years ago and now I’m making sure I bury that fucker on Smackdown)--not to take away from any of their abilities (snicker)--but none of them would be what they are now without my help and leadership. (How fucking great am I?) I know each one of them know that. (and fuck each one of them if they don’t.) They all helped me in ways as well, but ultimately, I always led the troops, I always called the shots. (Dogg here, um hey Matt, did you call the shots when she was dorking Edge? You know, sorta like a porno director?) I was the one who made sure everyone looked good and highlighted everyone's strengths. I was the ultimate team player--but this time it's about me and the CULT known as the MFers. (Cuz I’m a bad motherfucker, you hear me Lita, you whore!)
There was more, but that’s about all I think I’d like to share at this time.
Apparently last week, on Shitdown, JBL cut that promo where he told Orlando Jordan to win the US title off of Cena, twice. Seems the first time he has said, “win, …..you’ll be back with your people”. Seems the powers to be thought the racial overtones were too much and had it changed. So we heard JBL say this instead, “win, …. You’ll be back with your kind” ~ oh yea, that’s so much better. Gee, sure glad they did that.
Wait, this just in from Matt Hardy. He needs a new webmaster, I’ll fill in for him again. And now, Matt Hardy:
“Another response from Matt:
Just for the record, I never told anyone the story in it's entirety until news sites on the internet started breaking the story and there's still a ton of appalling things you guys don't know. (Yes, it’s true, there was a ton of appalling shit on the net and I started every bit of it. Fuck that bitch, Lita.) I took down Amy's pictures on my site and in my house because they were sickening to look at. (I couldn’t masturbate with her looking at me) When the story started coming out, in no form or fashion was I going to allow myself to look like the bad guy. (even though that is exactly what I did by letting my buddies stick up for me and attack my ex like we were in Junior High School) I couldn't afford personally or professionally to let incorrect versions of the story stand. (Even tho it’s exactly what I did. In other words what I just said was total lie. I just made it up) I just wish you guys could have experienced the truth and saw what actually happen. (Dogg here: We do too Matt. Maybe they caught it on video, sorta like that Paris Hilton chick) You can take my word for what it's worth (which isn’t fucking much)--in your eyes and heart. Adam Copeland is feces. (Because I say he is. Despite Lita and Edge both being adults and not talking about this and airing our dirty laundry for the world to see, Edge is still shit, why, he’s fucking my woman!) As upset as I am with Amy now, I still care about her and I would hate to see her destroy her life. (See how smart I am, I still want to give Amy the chance for a sympathy blow. If the shit I’m saying is true, she is just as guilty as Edge is, yet I’ll still let her blow me, so I have to give her an out. You hear me Amy? You got one chance left.) The feces' track record speaks for itself. (Dogg here: it certainly does and damn, Edge can sure nail some hotties can’t he?) I have never ask anyone to take sides, I have only told the truth. (It’s the truth cuz I say so!)
I never "insulted the internet world", I only used one writer's article as an example of what not to do or be influenced by on the net. (Dogg here: Think he’s talking about me? I don’t visit the scumbags website so I don’t know.) I love the Internet concept (I masturbate over it all the time)--my goal is to always help make it better, not tear it down. If I remember correctly, my post was to ask people to make their own opinions based on the facts and their own judgments. Not to just take someone else's opinion as fact, especially if they're not an expert in a given field.
Excuse me, Dogg here and we have to stop. I know most of you won’t need this, but a few are wrestling fans and not to quick. Read those last few lines again. He’s a fucking liar. Taking someone’s opinions and their versions and turning it into fact is exactly what he wants you to do.
The same thing goes for me--I give you information, and you decide what to do with it. I think my track record speaks for itself. We’re done with this douche bag after one more line. There would be no "scandal" to talk about if there had not been a "scandal" in the first place.
Wrong Matt. There would be no scandal if you hadn’t opened your yap, gone crying to your buddies and made it a public show. You’re a lying sack of SHIT
And on with the show!!!
It comes to us tonight from the home of the now defunct WCW, Atlanta Georgia, a great wrestling town. Out there hitting on prepubescent teens and wearing adult depends are the worst announce team to ever drool on a mic, Jim “Alzheimer’s” Ross and Jerry “Puppies” Lawler.
I was in the other room getting a bowl of chili, so I missed the opening recaps of Tista and HHH ~ damn the luck.
The show starts out with the Highlight Reel. The Highlight of the Night, not to mention one huge rock star, Chris “Y2J” Jericho sits in the middle of his set, perched high upon a ladder.
Jericho welcome us and then brings out the man who will face the UnderTaker at WrestleMania, Randy “The Legend Killer” Orton.
Jericho tells Orton with Taker, well, he might have bitten off a bit more then he can chew. He brings up the Takers Mania record, an impressive 12-0. He then brings out the man who Taker beat at Mania in 1987 ~ Wrestling legend, Jake “the snake” Roberts.
Good to see Jake, even the fifty or so pounds overweight he is, all in his gut though. He’s carrying that trademark green bag……think Damian is in it? Jake agrees by saying, “Damn it feels good to be back”.
Jake sure looks pitiful, but he can still run his mouth. While talking to Orton he has…
The Brown Farm Quote of the Night:
I’m here to reintroduce your brain to your mouth because lately you’ve been talking out of your ass”.
I’m sorry, that was pretty good.
Jake’s voice is sure shot; smoking crack for a few years does that to you.
Interesting thing this segment showed. Vince might care to pay attention. Those were “Jake” and “DDT” chants heard tonight. While the Jake could be explained away, the DDT chants show that the core of the audience is older then it used to be. Those of us who remember Jake from back in the day rather then the newest fans that wouldn’t know Roberts from the trash man.
Jake makes a go for the bag but Orton is too fast and despite a knock down on the youngster by the vet, Orton is younger and faster and Jake feels the “RKO”. ~ Interesting note, Jericho just watched it all. Wonder who he might have sided with?
After a Hogan in the Hall pimp (sounds like an after school special, doesn’t it?) The Big Red Machine: Kane “Uncle Fester” makes his way to the ring. Kane will take on both Christian and his gay lover Tyson “Goatboy” Tomko.
Kane just basically destroys Tyson, and while there is no shame in that, I have a problem with it. Tyson can really go and this isn’t doing him justice. Christian actually leaves the ringside area and is never a factor in the match.
Kane wins with his trademark chokeslam. Christian is back to try for a cheap shot with a ladder, but Kane catches him and end up giving Tyson a nasty looking shot with it instead.
***Tyson was busted up pretty good on this and if he’s hurt, Kane should be fined and suspended. It was a careless shot and could have blinded Tyson.***
Now a love in where Ric Flair gazes into the eyes of Gene “It’s not my fault” Snitsky and tells him how beautiful he is or something
<Click>
Hey, I love this episode of Dark Angel. Max goes to an Ultimate Fighting event and beats the shit out of seven guys there. Is it any wonder she broke Lita’s neck?
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A Lita/Trish/Christy recap ~ you know, like they have shown twice already tonight and we’ll see at the very least three more times this night?
Now a training session with Christy as Lita tries to get her in ring shape for her match with Trish. She’s enlisted the help of the Tag Champs, you know, the ones Goddamn Vince refuses to use??? Tajiri and William Regal.
Fuck Vince!!!!!!
Tajiri agrees to help teach Christy to kick, but first he wants his copy of Playboy with her on it signed. ~ Fuckin A!
After a few botched attempts, the Blackpool Brawler aka Steven Regal fires up Christy and she delivers a great kick! Unfortunately she misses the target she was aiming for and nails Tajiri in the nuts.
On seeing the abuse on the Tajiri’s family jewels, Lita has:
The Brown Farm Runner Up Quote of the Night:
Nice Shot!
Anyone like to bet me that Lita has an idea who’s cojones she’d like to hit with a nice hard kick?
Now we are seeing Shawn “My Ego is so fucking big I had to buy it it’s own house” Michael’s aka HB-Gay wrapping his fists up. Fuck, what’s next, watching this ass comb his hair?
In comes a face to talk to Gay most of us have not seen in a long time. Marty Genety.
***Circa 1988 ~ The Dogg is still young, a freshman in high school. I remember going over to a friends house to sneak a few beers and wait for a few girls to come over that we had zero chance of scoring with, although we were pretty hopeful at the time. The TV was on to wait and it was an AWA show. A young team called the Islanders was one team. Two Samoans, who were young and not huge. One is a guy I have no clue what happened to be named Tama. The other was named Haku, who later changed it to Ming in WCW after he added a few hundred pounds. The faced a very young team that had never even seen a WWF ring let alone been in one. “The Midnight Rockers” the team of Shawn Michaels and Marty Genety. A sensational match. There were doing the “cruiserweight” style, although no one knew that the fuck that was, let alone what to call it. To this day, it remains one of my favorite matches.****
Fuck, that was 17 years ago. I was lost in my flashback so I didn’t catch what they said. It was HB-Gay, so who cares?
After a Stone Cold Steve Austin in Pipers Pit pimp, out comes the Intercontinental Champion, Shelton “Ain’t No Stoppin Me, Now” Benjamin. Before Shelton can get to the ring, his opponent, Edge, attacks from behind.
Small note to a few fans in Hotlanta tonight. You kept trying to start a “You Screwed Matt” chant. First off, no one cares. Second off, you’re wrong. He didn’t screw Matt Hardy. If anything you should have gone for a, “You Screwed Lita” chant. Been more accurate don’t’ you think? By the by, had I been Edge and you did that to me, I’d look back and say, “Fuckin A!”
Edge totally dominates the entire match. He even gets the ref knocked out with a great move Bobby Henaan would have been proud of. Edge is about to make the IC champ eat ladder, but Jericho is out to stop it, and Shelton gets the T-Bone on Edge and the win.
No worries Edge, just go to the back, tell Matt hi give Lita a T-Bone of your own, big guy!!! <rim shot>
The next match is upon us and some very old music comes out. Dogg does his best impersonation of Farooq.
Well, I’ll be damned.
Out to their old music and old wrestling duds, Michaels and Genety are out, the Rockers reunited. No one told me it was nostalgia night! I’d have worn tied-dye and gotten hi.
As anyone knows if they’ve read either Planet WCW or myself for any length of time, you know that my ire of Michael’s is totally justified. He’s a selfish prick who’s only out for his own ego. I put out one of the nicest tributes to HBK when he retired three years ago and I meant every single word of it. Furthermore Pig has always said that Genety had all the talent.
Pig might very well be correct. I’m not going to second guess my compadre. So why did Michael’s make it when Genety didn’t? Is it like the Pig says? That Michael’s stabbed Marty in the back and screwed him over. Yep, but that’s only the result. Bottom line is, Shawn Michael’s wanted it more. He was more hungry then Genety, period. He was going to make it by whatever means necessary. There’s nothing left to say on it.
You know, for two men, past their athletic primes and both over 40, they sure looked fucking good, didn’t they? They haven’t lost a step in tagging together. The fans were more into this match then I ever would have thought and it goes back to what I was saying about an older core audience.
The Rockers took on the French Fuckers, Robare Conway and Sylvan Griener. Fucking JR says, “now folks, La Resistance are ex tag champs” ~ so are the Rockers you old fuck.
By the by, if you want a piece of totally meaningless trivia, check this out. We all know about the huge rivalry between Michaels and Brett Hart. What many don’t know is that it actually started while Michael’s was part of the Rockers and Hart a member of the legendary Hart Foundation with soon to be brother in law, Jim Niedhard.
Genety looked damn good ring-wise ~ Pig is a good judge of talent, now if we could just get him past his Jazz fixation.
After a really good match that the fans ate up, Marty gets the win with the “Rocker-Dropper”.
We interrupt the champ, HHH as he has a moment of self-love with the belt. Enter Ric Flair who inadvertently brings up every down moment the Game has had in the past year.
The WWE dimwit writers can try and make us believe what they want, but the amount of respect Flair has for Benoit is unmatched. Don’t forget, it was Flair who pushed both in WCW and the WWE for Benoit to get the title. It was also at Ric Flair invitation that Chris Benoit entered the ring as part of Four Horsemen.
Now Maria tries to get a few words from the woman’s champ, Trish “I swallow” Stratus. Trish goes off on some stupid rant concerning Hannibal Lector and then begins to beat the shit out of Maria. Anyone else think it must be that time of the month for Trish?
Here come the goons to try and pull Trish off Maria. Hell, they must be nuts, I know people who pay top dollar to watch that type of thing.
A three-way love-a-thon with Snitsky, Flair and Tista
Now, one year ago to the day that Benoit made HHH tap out to the Crippler Crossface to win his first ever WWE heavyweight championship in Wrestlemania, the two will go at it again. Benoit to be the poison the Game must face as decided by Batista.
Flair is out during this match for a time but eventually the ref gets tired of Flair and Natch is booted to the back.
Unfortunately the distraction was all the Game needed for the nut shot to Benoit for the win. They ruin yet another good match.
Fuck Vince.
Another WrestleMania rips off Hollywood bit. I say it every week, but I must do it again. Whoever came up with these parodies, give this dude a fucking raise.
This week, we have the infamous orgasm scene from “When Harry meet Sally” This time Kurt Angle plays the confused guy as Christy Hemme has an orgasm right in the middle of a diner at lunch time. And playing the role Rob Riener’s own mother played in the movie, Linda McMahon comes off to steal the scene with the now notorious, “I’ll have what she’s having” line.
By the way, Christy gets an A+ for her hair tossing. Excellent technique.
Hassan and Daivari come out to bitch a bit.
Now Christy leaves Lita to go sign a few more covers of her Playboy and Lita runs into Snitsky. (Insert Lita is a slut joke here)
Main Event time and Batista will face Gene “the ugly fuck” Snitsky. Before much of a do can happen, the Game and Natch are out to steal a bit of spotlight.
A lame match that saw Batista totally dominates despite the effort to cheat by both Flair and the Game. As Tista is ready to put Snitsky into a Tista-Bomb, Ric is in for the predictable, tired, pathetic, predictable, fuck Vince, lame DQ.
Flair, HHH and Snitsky are all in for the 3 on 1 pmbd (post-match beat-down) of Tista as Flair and Snit hold Tista for the game. Dave gets pissed and shakes them both causing a look of terror on the Game and, if you can read lips, the comment, “Oh Fuck” he utters.
The trio regroups outside and get ready for a three-way conchairto on Tista when Kane is out for the save.
As we go off for the night, HHH tells us that next week, Tista can face a poison of his choosing and that poison will be Kane.
And that was the show kids.
I debated on what to leave you with this night. So many things. The celebrity trials alone could go on for pages. Not going there, but we’re staying in the legal field. You wanna know what’s wrong with our system? What it’s totally fucked up and needs to end? This is a headline from CNN I saw the other day:
CNN.com - Inmate to question his alleged rape victim - Mar 12, 2005
It’s not a typo folks. -- An inmate charged with taking a prison guard hostage for 15 days plans to defend himself in his trial beginning Monday -- and says he will have the woman he is accused of raping "in shreds" when he questions her on the stand.
What the fuck is going on? I thought this must be a goddamn joke. This fucking animal pulls this shit and now he gets to roll around in his own feces and enjoy himself while forcing this woman to relive it? There is no doubt he did this. None. He admits it. He was in jail on aggravated assault, armed robbery and rape charges. What the hell is going on in Arizona? Who in their right fucking mind would allow this?
You want the Dogg’s answer? As soon as the vile scummy piece of human excrement shows up, shoot the motherfucker in the face and watch him bleed to death on the courtroom floor screaming for help. That’s what I’d do. Then cut his dick off and feed it to him.
………but that’s just my opinion, I could be wrong. Thanks for reading and have a great fucking day!
Contact info:
Stardogg (stardog_99@yahoo.com)
PeterPorkr (peterporkr@netzero.net)
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