Disclaimer: The following jokes (some of which I made up) are just intended to bring a smile to your face. Please dont think I am making light of any hernia issues since, as a true hernia sufferer, I have been there (and still am). I just think that we sometimes need to take a step back from our pain and have a little laughter in our lives after all its the best medicine!
How many hernia patients does it take to screw in a light bulb?
None. They shouldn't be stretching.
Yo Mama is so fat a tornado tried to pick her up and got a hernia.
Did you hear the about the guy who went in for laparoscopic hernia repair?
The surgeon pumped so much carbon dioxide into him that when the incision was made the patient farted and flew around the operating room!
A priest and a rabbi meet in a hospital room after their hernia surgery. Turns out the hospital had run out of hernia mesh. The priest says, What a religious experience! I got the Vatican to approve my getting my hernia reinforced with a piece of the Shroud of Turin so now I feel like I am at one with Jesus. The Rabbi says, Thats wonderful! I got my hernia fixed with a piece of netting from a discarded onion bag. The priest says, Thats quite unusual how did it work out? The rabbi says Pretty good, thank God but every time I scratch myself down there my eyes tear up.
A patient at the same hospital needed a plug in addition to a patch. Having run out of these patches, the surgeon scrambled to find an alternative and got a cork from a zinfandel bottle to plug the defect. When the patient awoke the surgeon asked him: How do you feel? The patient responded Im in a lot of pain. The surgeon then remarked Oh stop your wining!
A generous hernia patient with retractile testicles walks into a bar and announces Hey everyone the high balls are on me!
Heres one non-hernia joke that I recently made up:
Madoff with all your money!
Steve: "I have a hernia but Im actually going to try to fix it myself."
Fred: "Did your mother have a hernia too?"
Steve: "No why do you ask that?"
Fred: "Because she raised a dumbbell!"
A guy with an inguinal hernia is walking along the beach and spots a genies lamp, He rubs it and the next thing you know a genie appears!
Genie: I will now grant you any wish at all. Just tell me what you want - choose anything.
Man: (As he pulls a map out of his pocket and shows it to the genie) Well, what I wish for is peace in the Middle East. Those countries have been at war for centuries and it is only getting worse and Im afraid they will drag us all into WWIII.
Genie: Oh brother thats a tough one! Those countries have had peace talk after peace talk and yet nothing is ever accomplished. They are so far from reaching any type of agreement that its near impossible. Im terribly sorry but even I dont think I can help with that one. Please, choose another wish and I will be happy to grant it to you.
Man: Well OK what I wish for is for my upcoming hernia surgery to go perfectly, with no mesh problems, no lasting pain, no nerve impingement, no infections, foreign body reactions, or recurrences.
Genie: Ummmm errrr oh for gosh sake - let me have another look at that damn map!
Did you read in the RedNeck Times, last week in Hurnville,State of Hernia Amusment. Down in the cotton fields a young redneck got rollin on the ground hurtin with pain in the belly. His friends gotton him to his memas house. She had some redneck backwoods doctors manuals. Along with sewin manuals. For she loved those bright embroidery items through out her home. Anyway those manuals she lived by them, that they cured all her family illments for many a yr.. She took one look at grandboy.. His plaid shirt dirty straw all over it. Faded jeans. Then at his belly all full of straw, dirt she had to clean him up. She knew he had a hernia. She grabbed her manuals. She first filld him with The Dew moonshine, he passed out. She started opening him up, removing all rat nest birds nest anything else livin in him.. Going step by step of the manual. When time to patch hernia, she only had pieces of oilcloth, cheese cloth either big enough or pretty.. So out in barn, she had ole chicken fencing mesh and ole nylon window screen that had anti theft wires in it. So she decided that would be what she use. So she cut it to size, washed it with Tide, and bleach to sanitize it. Then soften it with snuggle. That was steps in manual that said mesh should be clean sanitize yet soft plyable then blocked. She then applied fish oil to it for manual said Ohmaga 3 fish oil heals things faster. She went to work at sutureing it in place with 10lb fluorescence fishline. Done in the fashion of loops over under,xxx's. She then put small wires to the ends of anti theft wires and then fasten 4 double AA alkaline batteries to that. In which she latter places batterie pack first she made sure copper top, they last longer. She placed in his jean pocket.( Which later could be turnd on to protect him from being stolen). She then started to close the hernia line up. She ran out of her suture fishline. She ran to her sewing box, found a 6 inch peach color nylon zipper that she stitched in him. She had him surgery all done the zipper worked. Yet while he still passed out, Grandma saw on his upper arm a patten that had "2 red roses I Luv U Mema". So she sat beside him takin her embroidery hoops, neddles and color threads and in small xx stitches filled in what she thought was an embroidery patteren, for she never saw a tattoo. He lived through it all. He now hangs in the corn field, Keepn critters from stealing crop. With anti theft device intack workin.
Will my name is Jed, Pen Name. For Ball Point, fountain pen, BIC, Paper mate, Parker etc,,,were all taken. Will school been out for 3 wks here. Just got notice that grandson he's 8 yrs. old. He will have to go summer school. So on Fridays they go on field trips. He came home all excited just yelling papaw I'm going on a field trip. The notice said trip to a local weather station. He got all upset, he said papaw it says field trip, I want go to the fields, for mema says my brother hangs in the fields. Mema says he beall full of straw now that she fixn his hernia. Me not want go no ole weather station. We learnd that they have from what I(hear-na say that they going show twister, tornadors hurricanes all about tropic storms, winds. Me don't want go. For me brother gone got caught up in them their storms and be torn all apart and mema have knock him out to fixn him again.