Chapter 2
“What is that nasty ass smell?” Brian asked, making a face, going to the kitchen to inspect the source.
“If you must know, it’s my mother’s pasta recipe,” Kim replied, “and nobody ever had a problem with it before.”
“It fucking stinks.”
“No, you’re probably smelling your own funky self because you forgot to put deodorant on again.”
The others in the living room began to laugh heartily.
“Nice to see some things haven’t changed,” Cricket said, wiping away tears.
“Yeah, even married, Kimbo and Spanky are still going at it,” Paul grinned. “It’s never a dull moment.”
“Kimberly’s like a diaper,” Brian complained, “always on my ass and full of shit.”
“And you bring most of it on yourself,” Kim yelled from the kitchen.
“Don’t you have whatever you freshly killed to finish cooking?” he called back.
“Speaking of diapers,” Lana said as she picked up the baby monitor, “I need to go check on my son.”
“Your son?” Paul asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Hey, I was the one that carried Danny for nine months and spent sixteen hours in labor, remember? You had the easy part,” Lana responded.
“Of not pulling out in time,” Brian added before Paul whacked him on the head.
She went to the back and picked up Danny, who was now awake. The others could hear Lana cooing at him as he giggled and patted his mother’s face.
“Oh my, I think someone may need a little change too,” she added, taking Danny over to the changing table.
“Must not have been too toxic,” Brian said after a few minutes went by. “She’d been calling for PL by now.”
“Yeah, I always get the real ripe ones,” Paul agreed. “Mami takes care of the less messy ones.”
“What the hell do you and she feed that kid anyway?”
“Uh…baby food?”
Lana then came out, carrying Danny, sitting down and putting him in Paul’s lap.
“Finally some quality time with my royal heir,” Paul grinned, playing with Danny a little.
“Yeah, once again, Papi gets most of the easy stuff. I’m just the mean Mami that has him ninety eight percent of the rest of the time.”
Paul downed the rest of his soda before letting out a loud belch. Danny grinned and let out a giggle.
Lana made a face at him. “Paul Michael!”
He looked back at her. “What?”
“Were you raised by wolves? We have company!”
“Well, he’s certainly hairy enough to have been,” Brian quipped. “Dude shaves and two days later, he’s back to totally furry.”
“This coming from Mr. I Can’t Grow Hair On My Legs,” Paul retorted. “Jealous much?”
“Come to think of it, man, I think even Kim has hairier legs than I do.”
“I just shaved this morning!” Kim cried. “Don’t even go there.”
“Speaking of Mr. Hairy here, don’t even get me started on the bathtub drain getting backed up and maintenance digging out enough hair to make a sweater or two when they were here the other morning,” Lana said.
“Oh sure, blame me for that,” Paul groaned.
“All the hair they dug up was black,” Lana replied. “Last time I checked, mine was red, and Danny obviously isn‘t old enough to use the bathtub by himself.”
“What, you all never heard of Drano?” Suzanne asked.
“Drano sees Paul’s hair and runs the other way,” Brian cracked. “Take it from a dude who knows. I used to see that shit of his in my own drain more times than I can count. At least Kimberly cleans the fucking tub out when she’s done.”
“Even the few curly blond hairs I find here and there,” Kim nodded before she got up. “I have to go back and check on my ‘fresh kill,’ as my loving husband calls it.”
“Have a taste of it while you’re out there,” Brian suggested. “That way, if it doesn’t kill you, it’s safe for the rest of us to eat.”
“Very funny,” Kim said, shaking her head. “I was going to sneak some arsenic in your portion, but then I remembered I hadn’t paid on the life insurance yet.”
“See what I put up with?”
“You eloped with her, dude,” Paul pointed out. “You must have liked something.”
Soon they heard a strange sound and Lana glared at Paul before making a face at the smell that filled the room.
“And I know that isn’t whatever the hell Kim is cooking,” Brian spoke up.
“I swear, it was Danny,” Paul said, pointing at the baby when the others looked at him like he was responsible for the offensive odor.
“Oh, that’s class,” Lana said, taking her son. “You decide to let it rip and blame the baby.”
Kim peeked out of the kitchen. “That’s right up there with Brian letting one fly and blaming it on Chester. And he wonders why the cat uses everything for a scratching post?”
“I’m telling you all, it was the baby,” Paul protested. “His diaper vibrated.”
“He’s telling the truth this time,” Lana nodded once she’d inspected Danny’s pants and handed him back to Paul. “Here. It’s your turn anyway.”
“Oh lucky me,” Paul groaned. “I get to change yet another shitty diaper.”
“You’re the one that wanted quality time with your son,” Lana responded, “so enjoy.”
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