Chapter 19
“I’M GOING TO FUCKING KILL THAT MIDGET!” Paul yelled two days later during their stay at a hotel in the city where a show was scheduled.
“What is going on?” Lana wondered.
Brian came out howling with laughter, holding up a toy spider.
“Little bastard thought it would be hilarious to put a rubber spider in the bathroom. RIGHT ON THE FUCKING SINK WITH MY SHAVING STUFF!”
“Yeah, and for once, you were hairier than the spider.”
“The plot still stands to kill your ass, Spanky.”
“Brian, really, you need a new hobby,” Kim shook her head.
“There was a real one crawling around a few minutes ago too,” Brian grinned. “I think it was hunting PL down before it disappeared someplace.”
“IT’S NOT FUNNY, BRIAN! THAT REAL ONE WAS THE SIZE OF A QUARTER AND LOOKED MEAN!” Paul bellowed.
“I think you’re exaggerating,” Lana shook her head. “How do you know a spider looks mean?”
“They all do! They’re evil creatures!”
“Good God. Well, wherever it went, it’s probably out in the hallway or whatnot by now,” she sighed.
“PL, you know in your lifetime, you will have swallowed at least eight spiders in your sleep?” Brian asked.
Lana gasped. “Don’t tell him that!”
“OH MY GOD, WHAT?! That’s it; I'm never sleeping again!” Paul exclaimed.
“Then again, they’re a great source of protein,” Lana teased.
“Dammit, woman, shut up!”
“And other bugs too,” Brian added. “They all crawl in your tummy, build houses, have babies….”
“Shut up, you midget!”
“I wonder what kind of spiders like crawling into your mouth while you sleep? Probably big mean, deadly ones.”
“SHUT UP, SPANKY!!!!” Paul yelled again.
“You know African cave spiders are really ugly looking. I can show you all a picture. Actual size. They can fit right in your hand.”
“Brian, if I were you, I’d quit while I was ahead and body parts were still intact,” Kim warned.
“All right, I've committed my evil sin for today,” Brian snickered.
“Seriously, go take up another hobby.”
“I found a daddy longlegs a few days ago at home,” Lana added. “But they don’t eat much.”
“AHHH! IT'S LIKE MY WIFE AND MY MIDGET ARE TRYING TO KILL ME. EWWWWWWWWWWWW, I FEEL THINGS CRAWLING ON ME!” Paul cried, shuddering.
“One crawled on Danny the other day. I think he liked it,” Lana said, hiding a grin.
“DON’T FUCK WITH ME! You’re lucky to be a woman and pregnant, you know that? Otherwise, you would have had a super kick to the face coming.”
“For heaven’s sake, Paul, I was teasing. I can’t believe you’d get bent out of shape over a little spider or two.”
“Little? Those things were huge, both the real one and the rubber one Spanky put on the sink! And as for you, Midget, I’m still going to slit your throat.”
“I’d sleep with one eye open if I were you, Brian,” Kim added.
“Yes,” Paul continued, “Learn to sleep with one eye open. I’ll fucking pour fire ants down your throat, stab you in the face with an ice-pick forty-seven times, and then I'll set your bloody body on fire and shoot you in the face before cutting your dick off and feeding it to your cat.”
“You're such a sweetie, PL,” Brian replied, laughing.
“And I'd make sure Kimbo got all your money too!”
“Gee, Paul, you’re really are a generous soul,” Kim giggled. “And I just paid on the life insurance too. Imagine that.”
“You’re a bitch, Kimberly,” Brian snorted.
“Love you too, Shortzilla.”
Paul then spied something moving out of the corner of his eye. The elusive spider had returned.
“GOD DAMMIT, IT'S BACK AND HEADED TOWARD DANNY! KEEP IT AWAY FROM HIM!” he hollered.
“For crying out loud, Paul, just kill the thing. It’s not a tarantula.” Lana rolled her eyes.
A small thud and then Paul replied, “There...smashed. With BK's hat.”
“Oh thanks a lot, dude,” Brian responded. “You couldn’t use a shoe like a normal person?”
“Nothing like spider guts all over your hat,” Kim giggled again.
“You know, once you kill ONE, two even bigger ones come to investigate, PL?” Brian asked with a sly grin.
“I despise you.”
“No you don’t. You can’t live without me or Red, and you know it.”
“Watch me. I’m going to the next town without any of you.”
“Not if I hold you down, rape you and put a spider on your neck. You won’t go anywhere.”
“Brian!” Kim and Lana called in unison.
“On second thought, I’ll let Red do the raping.”
Paul gave a teasing snort. “Right, like that would be a real threat. I get that done to me nearly every night.”
“Oh, really?” Lana retorted laughingly. “If I remember correctly, you were the one with Roman hands and Russian fingers the last few nights, among other things I won’t get into, so don’t even try to play victim with us.”
“Yep, that sounds more accurate,” Brian agreed. “PL was always a wild boy in that department. And look at the situation poor Red is in now as a result.”
“And notice she never complains either. Anyway, before I slit your throat for this spider bullshit, we got a show to do, and we better get to the arena if we don’t want to have our asses chewed out. Catch you ladies later.”
Lana nodded. “Don’t worry; I’ll be on spider lookout in the meantime.”
“Very funny, sweetheart.” Paul snorted before he and Brian went out the door. “Later.”
|
