Chapter 35
The gang had been hanging out; Mariah had been poring through a copy of the latest Playgirl.
“What is the attraction of you chicks reading that shit?” Paul asked, quirking an eyebrow once he’d seen his friend’s choice of reading material.
“The same thing you men get out of reading magazines with naked women in them,” Mariah quipped. “Minus the boobs, of course.”
“I will have you know I only read the articles and the cartoons,” Paul replied.
“Riiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiight. Whatever you say, PL,” Brian spoke up, flipping the remote to the TV.
“Like you never looked at the pictures, Spanky.”
“I don’t.”
“Bullshit. And did you just order another On Demand movie again?”
“Hey, I was going to order up some porn, but since Montana is bunking here, that wouldn’t be too wise. Plus there are also other ladies present, though I’m not so sure about Mimi over there.”
“Stuff a sock in it, Brian,” Mariah replied, then looked up from her magazine. “Hey, Paul, they have some nice layouts in here. You should think about doing one.”
“Oh, right,” Paul responded, shooting her a look. “Just what I always wanted to do, be remembered as the wrestler who stripped and had his dick hanging out for the world. Please also bear in mind that I have kids and am about to get married.”
“And no one wants to see your teeny weenie anyway,” Brian added. “I’m surprised Montana can find it without a map.”
“Sure, and you are just Mr. Blessed, aren’t you, short stuff?” Mariah asked.
“I got a lot more than PL, that’s for sure.”
“Mmmmhmm, and how much of that consists of gym sock?”
“I am an all natural man, baby. Want to go into the back bedroom and look for yourself?”
“Jesus!” Paul spoke up. “Will you two just go screw each other’s brains out and get it over with already?”
“Hey guys,” Montana came in the door, interrupting the banter and setting some groceries in the kitchen. “Are the girls in from school yet?”
“Kira’s out with Shaun,” Paul replied, giving her a quick kiss. “Mac should be home pretty soon.”
“Why are you limping?” Montana asked.
Brian began to snicker.
“I swear to Christ, one word out of you, Spanky, and I will cut off your dick and feed it to your cat.”
“Phil played a dirty trick on him,” Mariah replied.
“What?” Montana asked.
“He promised me there was a Buster's at the bottom of this big ass hill, “ Paul explained. “There wasn't. We walked up, me constantly turning around, seeing I'd taken like five steps and yelling, ‘I'VE ONLY DONE THAT MUCH? I'M GOING TO DIE!’ Then when we got to the top, he got all smug and said ‘By the way, I knew there wasn't a Buster's down there.’ He got lunged at and a few people had to break us up.”
“Good God,” Montana sighed. “Do you guys really get that bored? You all need hobbies.”
“WELL, YOU DON'T TELL A MAN FROM THE SOUTH THERE'S BARBEQUE WHERE THERE AIN'T!” Paul cried.
“Paul, you were born in Hartford,” Montana pointed out.
“And you were born in Pittsburgh while your father was winning ‘the big one‘ in Helena, Montana. What the hell is the difference? The point is that you don’t tell a man—”
“There’s a barbeque where there isn’t,” she finished. “Which reminds me, I got hot dogs and some steaks. You can go fire up the grill since that is your domain.”
“Aha, now you are talking, mi amor,” he grinned.
“Good, I was hoping to have things all ready by the time the girls come home. They’ll probably be hungry.”
“Unless Shaun stuffed Kira to the gills at McDonald’s,” Paul said, “but as late as it is, that might not be likely. She’s usually pretty good about not giving the kids stuff so close to dinner, unlike dumb ass here when he watched them.”
“Hey, they didn’t mind, so why should I?” Brian replied. “And look at it this way, you won’t even need to have the sex talk with them. All taken care of.”
“I think you just need to stick to having a cat,” Paul said. “The idea of your DNA spread around might be a bit too scary for the world to handle.”
“Gee thanks, PL, I still love you too.”
“Paul, just go get the grill ready,” Montana sighed, getting everything together.
“Want some help, Mon?” Mariah offered.
“Yeah, I have some stuff that can be taken out to the patio; plastic ware, soda, and things like that.”
“Meanwhile, I’ll recruit Chef Boy Are You Short here,” Paul added. “Being he’s ordered movies and killed more than his share of my food, it’s time Spanky earned his keep.”
“Wow, the highlight of my night,” Brian joked. “Barbequing with the half bald Mexican.”
“Just get the barbequing crap.” Paul responded. “And stay away from the grill. It’s pretty much common knowledge that you shouldn’t be allowed near anything that involves fire anyway.”
“Then why did you ask me in the first place?”
“I need a slave for scut work and you were the only one available.”
“Gee thanks.”
“Come on, help me carry this shit out.”
“You sure you’re up to this, Gimpy? You aggravate that leg, you might not be able to get laid tonight.”
“Keep it up and I’ll give you the same thing Phil got. Only I may not let you live.”
“Just checking, dude.”
“Hey, Mon?” Paul called in. “Will you let me know when the girls come in? I want to make sure things are at least close to ready when they do.”
“Sure, no problem. Just don’t burn the place down while you’re at it.”
This is going to be one interesting evening, Montana thought. I can almost imagine when all these people get together at our wedding in a few weeks……
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