Chapter 83
They had just returned from the Halloween party that Saturday night, accompanied by Mariah and Shaun, all of them now collapsed in various parts of the living room.
“Oh God, I think I’m going to puke,” Paul groaned, laying back on the couch with his hand on his stomach and his arm thrown over his eyes.
“Well, that’s what you get for making a pig of yourself,” Montana said, shaking her head. “I think you and Brian ate more than the girls did.”
“Papi ate a lot,” Kira giggled. “Especially candy.”
“Thanks, shorty; I’m glad you’re enjoying my agony.”
Brian let out a loud belch. “Ah, finally,” he sighed. “Been trying to get that fucker out since we left the hall.”
“Oh, that’s romantic,” Mariah rolled her eyes. “Jesus, Brian. You just burped in my ear.”
“What do you expect, Mariah? It’s Brian,” Shaun replied, laughing. “One would think you’d be used to it by now.”
“Gee, Shaun, thanks a lot.” Brian blew a raspberry.
“Yep, classic Spanky,” Paul agreed. “At least when I belch, I don’t do it in some woman’s ear.”
“Yes you did,” Montana spoke up. “On our wedding night.”
“When did that happen?”
“You had too much champagne, marido,” she reminded him.
“I thought champagne made you fart,” Brian said, looking over at Paul.
“Oh, we had that happening too,” Montana nodded. “It was an interesting night, to say the least.”
“Gee, Spanky, why not just tell the whole neighborhood?” Paul shot Brian a dirty look.
“Thanks, I think I will.”
“Paul, you if anyone should know by now you may as well take out a full page ad in the newspaper when you tell Brian anything you don’t want the world to know,” Mariah reminded him.
“Kind of like you, huh, Mimi?” Brian retorted. He was rewarded with a whack on the head.
“Ow!” he yelled. “Bitch, watch the hair.”
“Screw your hair. Stop being an ass wipe.”
“I think both of your mouths need to be locked shut sometimes,” Paul answered.
Michael began to yawn and the girls slowly nod off, which was not lost on Montana. “I think our little costume champion is ready for bed,” she smiled, picking him up, “and so are two little girls.”
“Can you get me some Alka Seltzer while you’re up?” Paul asked.
“Paul, you have two legs and two hands, and if they are working and you can get it yourself, don’t you think you should?”
He groaned in response.
“You heard the lady, lazy ass,” Brian said. “Get your own shit.”
“Bite me, Spanky.”
“Sorry, dude, you aren’t my type. Besides, I‘m not hungry.”
“I’ll help you with the kids,” Shaun offered, following Montana upstairs.
“So did you decide?” Mariah asked after they were gone.
“Decide what?” Paul wondered.
“Mon’s Christmas thing you were telling us about, dumb ass,” Brian reminded him.
“Oh yeah, the mother’s ring. I think I know which style. I’m going down to order it Monday. I want to get it done as soon as possible before they start the holiday rush shit.”
“You didn’t pick out that chintzy one that you showed me, right? If I were Montana, I’d kill your ass if I saw that,” Brian said.
“No, I found something better. You can add stones if there’s more kids or something like that.”
“Wow, dude, I’m impressed. That’s some serious bucks.”
“You think Mon will have more kids?” Mariah asked.
“After Mikey, I doubt it, but one never knows,” Paul shrugged. “And he’s not even crawling yet, so it might be awhile even if she was thinking about it.”
“Good, there’s enough of your DNA running around as it is,” Brian joked.
“It could be worse; it could be yours that is running loose. Now there’s a scary thought,” Paul shot back laughingly.
“Yeah, little blond people that burp in women’s ears,” Mariah giggled. “I should totally snatch this one up. He may have tons of other prospects.”
“That’s right, I do, Mimi. And don’t you forget it.”
Montana and Shaun came back downstairs. “Three little angels off in dreamland,” Shaun announced.
Montana was carrying a bag that she dropped in Paul’s lap. “Take that to the Dumpster for me?”
“How come I get stuck taking the shitty diaper bag out?”
“Because, one, I just put three kids to bed, and two, it’s dark out and you know enough martial arts to kill someone if they decide to attack.”
“I’ll go with you, dude. Then we can both kill the killer,” Brian offered.
“The smell of this bag alone would make a serial killer run the other way.” Paul made a face. “Jesus, what does that kid eat?”
“Baby food,” Montana replied. “Go.”
“All right. Geez.”
They headed out toward the Dumpster.
“You know what would really be funny?” Brian asked.
“Humor me.”
“Lighting that bag, throwing it on the porch of one of those old hags that gives you a hard time about going around with no shirt on and yelling “FIRE!”
“Spanky, that trick is done with a paper bag and dog shit. We have a whole different thing here. Besides, it would be just my luck to get caught and have the cops called on us, not to mention we’re a bit old for Halloween pranks anyway.”
“Oh well, it was a thought. Plus I don’t think you’d want to listen to Montana raise hell about you lighting baby shit and throwing it on porches.”
“That too. Not exactly a role model I want to be for my own kids.And if they ever want to pull Halloween pranks someday, they have to do some Londonator style. You know, something no one will expect or predict that is coming.”
They dumped the bag into the bin, and then headed back to the house.
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