A greater understanding now (loss ment)February 16 2011 at 12:09 PM
|Lovethebeach (Login Lovethebeach)|
Response to If you were successfull with a DE and believe in a higher being, question
I have always had a deep seated faith and think that it has only grown during this journey. I have wanted children my entire life. My earliest memories are of my baby dolls. My DH & I met when I was 28, he 39, and since he had "been there, done that" he had previously had a v/c before we met. It was certainly an issue of contention during our courtship and even after marriage. He said he was done, end of story. I was heartbroken but in love so we continued to move forward in the relationship. Some would think I was crazy for going forward, but I was walking on Faith.
For years and years, I prayed to God to either take the desire for children from my heart or to make it the desire of my husband's according to His will. Finally, at age 40 my DH finally "heard" me and we moved forward with OE IVF. 3 cycles later we realized that my eggs were no longer very viable.
To say I didn't initially mourn the loss of my genetic connection would be a lie. I did mourn it and wondered why God had brought me this far only to not let me get pregnant. Then, a window opened and we decided to pursue DE. I got pregnant on the first try and we were so ecstatic! At nearly 23 weeks, I went into preterm labor and lost our precious twin boys. Again, I wondered why God would bring me this far only to lose our boys.
Maybe it was to make sure I knew how very much I would love my babies, DE or OE, and to be more grateful for this gift. (BTW, I love them every bit as much as I could love any other baby.) Maybe it was to bring my husband & I even closer. Maybe it wasn't about us at all but a lesson for someone else. Maybe it was so I could be a help to others going through the same thing. I do know that our loss as made both me & my DH more compassionate, caring people and has really "level set" so many things in life for us.
I have learned not to question God but to trust Him. For me, doubting is useless and brings me no happiness. I know that He is watching over our boys in Heaven and I will see them again someday. I also know that He has great plans for us so I am trusting that He will still bless us with children some day. I don't know why everything happens the way it does, but I do have a greater understanding now and am confident that the day I step foot into Heaven the rest will become clear to me.