Man it seems like this is the first time that I'm finally not feeling like I'm nuts. I guess the truth is that most people don't really wrap their heads around the idea of infertility and all the steps involved when it's not happening to them, so children from a donor egg sounds like a sci/fi novel.
I wish I had more emotion about this process. I have never yet felt "desperate" to have a genetic child. We've been trying to have a baby for 4 years. I've only felt a desperation to have a baby, to have that part of our family. To start shaping a child in our home, through our worldview, through our teachings and experiences and environment. I've never really had a pull to have to make that happen through some genetic link.
I know this is a bit biased, but I cut off contact with half of my family, including my father about 7 years ago for many reasons, but mainly due to abuse and instability, addiction etc. I finally found the ability to cut off toxic people in my life, and determined at a very young age that blood does not make family. I feel almost no connection to "those people" and I share genes with them. I am very much at peace with the choice, have worked through anger and resentment that my family was not nurturing and was quite the opposite. I feel very sad that their lives are the way they are and I pray that they find an end to their addictions and hostile/abusive lifestyles.
But those people are not of me. They are not a part of me. I have no desire to be around them, because the environment of being around them was profoundly more important in my childhood than genetics. And I guess that has truly shaped the way I view bringing my own children into this world. I discovered long ago that blood and genetics mean little once a human is living out life here on this planet. Experience, relationship, environment, love, nurturance, acceptance, support, these are the things that make us family, and that bind us together. These make a mother and a child, a parent bond. I have never in my life ever been able to look at my father and feel that he was a "father". He was just "that man".
I'm probably rambling at this point but I'm quite convinced that this is part of why I'm much more at peace with attempting DE. I don't think that I'm choosing the DE road merely to escape my family. I'd have genetic children if all things were equal and I wasn't dealt these infertility circumstances. But I was dealt this hand, and I'd rather listen to my gut telling me what seems to make the most sense, instead of forcing myself to choose the culturally accepted route "first" and then only moving to DE "when it's all thats left". I don't feel that way. It's not my backup option. At this point, to have a child and finally begin our family, it feels like my first option.
FSH 33, AMH .29
4 Chemical Pregnancies
Junky Tubes with endo
Removed Uterine Septum and polyps in 2009
Short LP- Respond well to Progesterone
Trying since March 2008 with no children