For me--is all the decisions I made. MANY bad ones.
It's the blaming myself and the second-guessing. I ALWAYS seem to make a bad choice. I think sometimes I am superstitious. Like I really can't believe I won't just luck out and have a baby. Isn't that ridiculous?
I guess I've learned a lot about myself. I am not very clear headed. I sometimes don't make the best decisions.
Another thing i regret was lack of diligence on my part. I had some options I didn't pursue. I was never aggressive with doctors or insurance companies. I always felt very overwhelmed. I'm not very good at infertility. I feel like I needed more faith in myself and more direction.
Here again, some of this is just decisions I made. But a lot of time I feel like I've been in almost impossible decision situations--where it's like--how much money do you spend? How hard do you push? Etc? Just sort of Sophie's Choice situations where you absolutely cannot win. There are a lot of those too.
I guess a deeper thing I may have learned is how hard it is for me to make decisions. My husband is very bad about making decisions. It's hilarious how we have every fault in common. So I don't have anyone to turn to for help. He has a very shallow understanding of the assisted reproduction process--he's gradually learning so he is unwilling to really talk about stuff.
It's weird how alone this whole thing is. Who among us really has an advisor or person to bounce ideas off? Who among us has real support? Some of us are doing this in secret. Normally, you'd talk it out with people but they'd have to have a depth of understanding that only a person who experiences this has had.
So it is all very strange. I regret my bad decisions but on the other hand, I don't really have all that many resources.
Still, there are SO MANY things I could have done differently and I wouldn't be in this situation now.
I'm down to one embryo. It doesn't look too promising at this point. But of course, I will hope it works out. There is a teeny tiny chance. REALLY teeny tiny. So I pray for a miracle.
Anyway, what I hope is that if this doesn't work out something will soon. I just need another shot...at something. I just need something to work out.