I am currently starting BCP's tonight to prepare for a donor embryo cycle hopefully in the next month. I am really ready to be pregnant with a healthy little bean, but right now hours before I have to take that first darn pill I am feeling so hesitant. I feel like taking the pill is really giving up and I do not want to feel like I am giving up just moving forward. I still feel very young at 38, compared to all of my neighbors that I live around that had their kids in their late, late 30's and 40's. I really thought I could too, but after 3 years of ttc, 1 failed IVF, elevated IVF, numerous symptoms of low estrogen, going to hell and back, literally and then conceiving our "miracle" baby only to lose him at 19 weeks b/c of a genetic inherited chromosomal issue called UBT that I have now been informed I have a 50/50 chance of having a healthy baby if I ever conceived again I feel like it is time to not give up, but move forward. My DH is perfect and all of the problems are with me and my old eggs that now also have this devastatingly horrible chance of either m/c or losing late in the pregnancy. The RE says we really should choose donor egg, but we have decided that donor embryo is the right choice for us. We have struggled this past week over the profiles that we were given to choose between and have now have narrowed it down to 1 with another as a backup. We are fortunate to have donor embryos available at our local clinic and although none of the choices are "perfect" we have realized no profile could possibly be perfect when all you really want is to be like everyone else out there in the fertile world and have your own "bio baby". But then no baby, child or person is perfect whether they are our genetics or not and all we can do is pick what we think is the best for our family. I feel like I really gave it my best at trying to conceive and then when we lost our baby boy last March to a genetic issue I just couldn't believe my bad, bad luck. Being in the 1% of the 1% of the 1% is really hard and I just can't take any more chances at losing another baby if we were ever able to possibly get pregnant again which is so highly unlikely. I just want to have a healthy baby to hold and complete our family and do not ever want to feel so sad again at the loss of a child and do not want to feel like a failure to my DH each month when I have to tell him once again, "No, I am not pregnant, I just got my AF."
I hope you are able to make the right decision for you. I don't think any of us can tell you how you will know it is time to move on towards donor egg or embryo, we can only share how we knew we were ready to move on. And as I write this I am still trying to convince myself and remind myself of all the reasons we moved on and that I didn't quit, I have never given up, I only moved forward.
I wish you well with your decision.
|This message has been edited by Tahoegal on Apr 26, 2011 9:28 PM|