Completely LOST... TMI really... (m/c ment, adoption ment)

Thank you Lady Magoo...I've been avoiding the board today. My dh has been against this process and pg in general since my last m/c. When I was m/c and in the hospital and they gave me strong pain meds, apparently I said that I could see how your soul could leave your body under these painful conditions.

I was high on whatever drug they gave me and in a significant amount of pain - I went into what I think was full blown labor (diarreaha, vomiting - yes at the same time! and cramps the likes of which were indescribable and wracked my entire body).

Anyway at the June 14 appointment he was downright rude to the RE and the therapist (mandated). He feels like we have enough responsibility with 2 adopted kids and I should be happy. It's hard to explain the desire to carry a child. You get it or you don't. He doesn't. He also feels I am too old, which hit me like a ton of bricks b/c four years ago I didn't have the money for IVF but was more fertile (40 vs 44). He feels like I want him to be a work horse in the fields long after his right to retire.

I've been sleeping on the couch since the appointment. Part of me feels very selfish. I cannot fully articulate why I feel this incredible need and desire to be pg and carry a child. But I see two outcomes...I give into him and I'm resentful or he gives into me and everytime the baby cries or gets sick or does anything he doesn't like he whispers in my ear "I never wanted this."

I'm sorry for the TMI post Lady Magoo - I am grateful for your support and the support of the board. I'm just so lost right now...
xoxo, Malory