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Does the universe really talk to us? (prior success and m/c's mentioned)

February 26 2012 at 2:31 PM
futurebeauty  (no login)

 
Who believes this stuff? Apparently, I do these days and I have even caught myself saying the universe this and the universe that in casual conversations lately. So if this is true that the universe can be talking to us, then I guess I have not been listening. I think the universe is trying to tell me that my days of being pg and having a newborn again are over. I just don't want to listen now or ever but what if it is true and I continue to fail and hurt myself and my family over and over again????

I have 2 OE children: DD is 7 and DS is 4 today. We had our first easily after 3-6 months of trying. I was 33 when she conceived and 34 at her birth. When we got around to TTC baby #2 we started in July 2006 and I got pg 3 times and m/c'd them all at 6-8 wks. I then tried again after a 3 month break and was successful w/ our lovely DS who again turned 4 today when I was 37.

We have been TTC #3 for 3 yrs since I was 38 (almost 39) and I will be 42 in May. I had 2 final OE m/c's before moving onto DE at age 39 and 40. I recently had a twin DE pg that ended at 8 wk for one twin and 13 wk for the remaining one which was only 5 days ago. So yes, I am still mourning greatly.

I definitely have low ovarian reserve ( AFC count of 1-2 and AMH of .1 or .2) but now I may have NK cells or antiphospholipid syndrome or something else that is impeding my success besides just dumb luck.

This last pg was only 3 months long but it was a killer. I was sick everyday but I felt that I could not /should not complain since I did it to myself by making the pg happen through DE IVF and not just sitting back and hoping that prayers would solve my infertility issues.

The D & C was awesome b/c I did not have to go thru the horror of all the blood/tissue etc that I endured in the past for 4 out of 5 of my other miscarriages. I feel guilty that I feel so physically good b/c the pg was so difficult and I am glad not to be nauseous all day long but so sad that in Aug, I will not be a mother again.

I was so happy that the DE IVF worked the first time so that I could put away my struggles and just enjoy life. Now it seems that I have to open the door to all the struggling again in hopes to finish the journey. We have 2 frozen 5 day blasts left that I will transfer ( 1 at a time) starting in July as this pg really taught me that I do not want twins due to my other children's needs and my work obligations.

We are having the pathology of the babies examined and I should have some answers in a wk or so. I will also be having alot of testing on myself and I really want to lose some wt and feel good about myself again. I have always looked so much younger than my age and now, I think I am looking my age. Ugh.

I think I needed to vent to people who understand b/c no one my real life gets how much pain is in my heart.

I hope that everyone on here has success in their next cycle or very very soon as the pain and struggles of IF does not go away but it does weaken w/ success.

Thanks for reading today.

FB

 
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Responses

  1. oh FB I've been thinking of you... - lauranz on Feb 26, 2012
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  3. This is a question I used to think about a lot. - diaphanta on Feb 26, 2012
    1. Re: This is a question I used to think about a lot. - mary on Feb 26, 2012
    2. agree with you 100% diphanta nt - THK on Feb 26, 2012
     
  4. Universe? (God Mentioned...Success Mentioned) - Dee.S on Feb 26, 2012
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  6. I am sending you... - THK on Feb 26, 2012
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  8. Oh FB just keep holding your vision...m - Hope2009 on Feb 27, 2012
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  10. Oh honey - emilyr99 on Feb 27, 2012
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  12. Re: Does the universe really talk to us? (prior success and m/c's mentioned) - Hopeful in Delaware on Feb 27, 2012
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  14. Hi Futurebeauty. - Raindrops1 on Feb 27, 2012
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