I think wanting those things so much goes hand in hand with how much we have to relinquish control over what sort of children we can reasonably expect, given that one half of their genetics is more unknown to us than would be the case if they were our genetic offspring. We try and try to hold onto the things we CAN have some control over, like stipulating certain traits, as part of letting go and grieving our own genetic connection.
The irony is that anyone can have ANY child of any kind regardless of predispositions and strengths and family inheritance. Some kids don't seem to fit into their genetic families at all. I know i felt like this for most of my childhood; I was SO different, physically and emotionally, than every single member of my immediate and extended family...
And yet I was genetically linked ... I asked my poor mother every year whether I was adopted...
Here in New Zealand it is so very hard to find donors; we finally had one pop up out of the blue, she looks nothing like me, has nothing in common with me; but obviously has a very VERY kind heart. And thanks to her, we got the daughter of our dreams.
We couldn't be more happy with her....or grateful to our donor.
The perfect donor, it has to be said, is the one that gets you pregnant.
When you're ready.