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research optimal age for disclosure really need assistance !

March 16 2012 at 11:18 PM
MissyAnne  (Login MissyAnne)

Hi there,

Does anyone have access to journal articles that recommend the optimal age for disclosing to DE children how they were conceived ? I have 2 older children and we told them a baby angel helped me by donating a cell and that the baby angel was a lot like me and that our twins would be their siblings just like any other sibling would be. They were 8 and 10 years old at the time and did not seem to have any trouble accepting the explanation. They were ecstatic. To my knowledge, they have not disclosed this information to anyone. We just explained that this was something to keep within the family.

Things went well until a few months ago when my husband served me with divorce papers. I really don't know precisely why, b/c we were in a "honeymoon" period for at least 2 years after my twins were born. My husband, my best friend, has turned into the most malicious, vindictive person imaginable. The older kids, formerly so happy, are a mess. I was actually evicted from our home b/c of slanderous allegations that made my jaw drop. Like... I am a meth lab owner. My family meant everything to me and I am devastated.

When we told our families that I was expecting twins via DE conception, one of my SIL s blackballed me... as in really blackballed me. God only knows what she said, but she did tell our older kids that I had committed a terrible sin and that I would not apologize for what I did. The whole family acted like I went shopping and picked out someone from a catalog. I have been on the family **** list ever since.

MY CONCERN: Now that I am dealing with a divorce, I cannot risk the twins seeing this particular aunt. She lives out of state, but I need to keep the twins away from this woman until they are at the optimal age for disclosure. They need to be able to understand it on some biological level, be able to keep a secret, and be able to handle a nasty confrontation with this aunt.

They are preschool age, which is way too young. Puberty, from all literature reports, is too old, b/c they will feel betrayed. So I am guessing somewhere in the neighborhood of 7-10. THE REASON I need some literature is that I need to file a motion restraining any contact between this aunt and my babies, and I need literature to back me up since this is a legal case. If this aunt sees them, the first thing she will say is "That is not your real mother". They need to be old enough to handle this, b/c this could really damage them emotionally. My husband was on board with this idea initially, but I have no idea who he is anymore. I think at this point, he might actually encourage this aunt to say that. He is trying to keep me away from all of my children and wants me to financially support everyone. He bombed at a business and wow,,, after 20 years of marriage, I have discovered that I never really knew him.

But... my job is to protect the kids as best as I can and to fight for them.

So... any journal links would be VERY much appreciated !!!!!! I have not had much luck finding anything.

Thanks in advance,



Secondary IF
ttc 6 years
25+ stimulated cycles; oral meds, injectables, IVF, All BFNs. 1 cancelled DE cycle

Finally completed DE transfer had beautiful baby boy twins!

 Respond to this message   

  1. I can help - Renata on Mar 16, 2012
  3. No time for long post but a wonderful resource from the UK is the - Daisy on Mar 17, 2012
  5. sorry - Antonialisa on Mar 17, 2012
  7. Missy Anne - Renata on Mar 17, 2012
  9. Sounds awful - emilyr99 on Mar 18, 2012
  11. So sorry this is happening to you . . . - Maggie in VA on Mar 20, 2012
  13. you might - anon on Mar 20, 2012
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