Excellent meeting with RE, feeling sad

I don't want to go into the details, but I went over all my questions and every tiny detail of the cycle, the protocol, the diagnoses, the eggs, etc. with my RE. We spent almost 1.5 hours together, him, my husband and me.

He is not pushing, and is willing to try any therapy we wish -- HCG infusion (which he knew about and used to do, but found it did not impact things), another consult with input from a top immunology expert in Chicago -- Kulim? he knows who publishes and helps a lot of couples with recurrent loss, adding ivig, adding granocyte (that was the only thing he was not familiar with), etc etc, but being frank, and knowing we only have two perfect embies left -- we told him we do want to explore surrogacy. He knows Dr. March and was open to having him take a look, he is certain we have no hydrosalpinx...he can't say for sure that the loss of my Mom and the infections impacted things...probably not, but he can't say definitively. But with our history, there are not a lot of options.

He told us about a couple who had their own eggs and plenty of them, but miscarried over and over. They finally did a fresh cycle, did CGH and put only perfect embryos in both the woman and a surrogate from their church who had offered to help. Everyone got pregnant...but the woman had a miscarriage at 6 weeks. The surrogate is now 6 months pregnant.

So, we are feeling like surrogacy makes sense.

He was very encouraging about doing that.

Of course, a surrogate costs similar to another DE cycle...but it took us a year to find our donor and go through this process.

But another DE fresh cycle for more of this failure, I don't know if I have it in me. I truly have lost faith in myself and my body. I have seen many REs, run a support group and advised and seen many women go through many IF challenges. I have never seen someone like me with no clear explanation and so many failures.

The most important thing to me is to have a healthy baby sooner than later, not just carrying. But I am sad. I am sad that all these years it was probably just something inherent in my body that was doomed to kill everything. I am sad at losing my dream of carrying.

I am sad that everyone in my family always worried about me carrying a baby - even my mother said she was scared of it and worried it would harm or kill me -- and perhaps they were all right.

I am tired of fighting a losing battle over and over and over.