I wish I could just take your face in my hands and tell you what an amazing, precious, wise, strong, beautiful woman you are. I'm sorry your heart is so broken right now. It won't always feel this way, I promise. I don't have any words of wisdom about your RE or your decisions, I just wish I could do something to help you feel better. Try to take care of yourself, whatever that means for you, and know that you have many online buddies here who think the world of you and want you to be happy and will celebrate with you and your DH when you finally achieve your hearts' desires. Big, big hug to you.