I really appreciate you all thinking of me. I feel like I am in a really lonely place right now. Even my DH has not been particularly helpful or understanding.
I am grappling with going forward or not, additional testing or not, looking into adoption (which DH is not on board with), etc. I also just need a brain-break, you know?
I should be working on losing weight (I have gained so much since starting this BS) and exercising and getting my ortho problems and depression under control. But mostly I have just been trying to get through each day.
I check in over here often to see how everyone is coming along but don't have much to add to the conversation. I feel like the ultimate loser (which is pathetic, I know). I just don't understand why DE worked for so many but not me. My belief that if you want something and work hard enough you will ultimately obtain your goal has been completely diminished by my failure with DE and TTC-ing, in general.
All of this has also been coupled with some pretty serious and constant professional set backs that stretch back over the past 3 years and you can imagine I am feeling pretty defeated.
I have two embryos on ice but the idea of doing BCP, estrogen injections and lupron makes me even more depressed. I had side effects from all of them (swelling and migraines) and I am willing to put up with that if I feel it is worth it for my purpose. I am even willing to risk the potential long term effects. But when it has done nothing for me SO many times I really don't see the point in even trying. And I know if I go back to my RE asking for more testing etc he is going to say just keep trying - "there is nothing wrong with you".
But isn't the definition of insanity doing the same thing over and over and over again and expecting a different outcome? (That's a rhetorical question.)
Thanks again everyone.