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We plan to tell, but...(OE children mentioned)

June 10 2012 at 10:07 PM
misscleo  (Login misscleo11)

Response to Thoughts on telling a child they were conceived via DE?

I really appreciate this discussion, thank you. I have read this (as I have other threads) with great interest, because I really don't know what to do about this.

We are planning a DE/DS cycle in September. We did our psych eval last week, which was actually pretty helpful. We have had 4 miscarriages since our 2nd daughter was born 4 years ago. My 1st DD announced one of our (failedI pregnancies to my mother: "Guess what, Grandma? I grew in Mommy's tummy, C* grew in Mommy's tummy, now there's a DIFFERENT baby growing in mommy's tummy!" My mom's reaction: "When are you going to stop, when you're 80?" (I was 43). My parents are old-school Catholic, so even IVF is sinful to them--but they live 2000 miles away. But we do live in a really conservative, small town, and I have a fairly public job.

We haven't kept our m/cs a secret, so people know we would really like a larger family. And now that I'm 45, I'm sure there will be plenty of gossip if we do manage to have another child. (But of course there's always gossip). I worry our child will be treated differently by people if they know. (people can be so weird.)

I firmly believe it's better for the child to know sooner rather than later, so they grow up knowing their different genetics are perfectly natural. But I don't know how to do this without creating problems either. To me, parenting comes from the heart, and not from genes. DH has had a little more trouble with this though, it was recommended we use donor sperm (he has a low count, and also has Type I diabetes, which gives his kids a 12% risk; plus he's 50 so the risk of other issues goes up too). He really wants that genetic connection but wants our best chance at another, healthy child even more.

And as PP have mentioned, there is some contribution of eugenetics (the carrying mother's genes influence fetal development) so unless the child has really unusual physical characteristics I expect they will resemble the rest of our family (we're all pretty generic-looking). We will choose donors who are tall like us, that's the only thing that really distinguishes us--but DHs sisters are all pretty short, so even if we have a short child I don't think think anyone would question.

Our kids know they grew in my tummy, but they never ask about eggs and sperm, so it seems sort of weird to have an early discussion like that, because we haven't had it with them. But I don't want there to be secrets, because I do believe that with secrets come shame. Maybe I'll find a couple DE books for kids from that list someone posted, and just keep them in their library. We read books about different kinds of families and different cultures, we read "Baby on the Way" all the time even though they know there isn't one; so maybe it would be enough from the outset to just be familiar with the idea? They watch a show on TV sometimes where a T.Rex baby is being raised by a Pteranodon mom (the egg ended up in her nest), so I don't know that the concept is all that foreign anyway.

I guess we'll probably know what to do when and if we get there. We may make another trip to the reproductive therapist's office though (I think she could be pretty helpful with some of my lingering m/c grief issues too).

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