If this cycle actually works.
I was with my sister yesterday and her kids that are an even mix of her and her DH. Actually I see a lot of our extended family in one of her kids. Also her kids have some behaviors and mannerisms of my sister when she was of similar ages.
She has no clue we are trying again and that we have moved on with DE. Definitely she is unaware that I am currently cycling as I have chosen to tell noone for my sanity. For if this cycle fails and I know it is very possible I truly need to just cope with it in a quiet way as I think it will be my last cycle sinceI just do not have the constitution to weather more multiple failures, I am really spent.
Anyway, although I am really OK with moving on to DE and finally find myself experiencing more excitment than anxiety these days ( but there are moments of apathy mixed in too) I really felt sad looking at my niece's and nephew's knowing that I will never see any physical or characteristic resemblance in my kid if I have one. Not having a genetic connection is not a huge deal for me but something I experienced today just felt heavy in my heart. On the flip side I am grateful to be able to see aspects of my family in my sister's kids and hopefully that will bring contentment (?).