I read your heartfelt post and I'm glad that you have somewhere to think out loud. I too cycled without any family and friends knowing what we were doing and it was really lonely at times to be going through something in which my whole soul was involved and no one knew...except my acupuncturist and my Dr.'s.
I wanted to share something that your post brought up for me and that is that I see none of me in any of our 5 oe children. Not a physical feature, not a mannerism..nothing, nada, zilch. It's so weird too as I'm looking at them all the time with new eyes and I see nothing of me in them. They are their own people in looks and in the personalities...even their mannerisms. All of them are blue eyed like their dad (I have green eyes) and several of them have curly hair like him...(I have straight) several of them have his light, sometimes cynical sense of humour (I tend to be a deeper person and lack the light superficial type of humour that comes easily to my DH)
Other people comment too that all our kids look like DH...oh boy you can sure see that they are all related!...so there...other than the fact that I carried them in my womb and nursed them I wouldn't even know they are mine. However, and this is HUGE for me anyway...and that is that my 3 precious children born via de's are so much like me in many ways...even as young as they are...Will and I can be sitting together and I'll look over at him and he will be looking intently at something, like i sometimes look...very focussed. He is happy and very upbeat..very optimistic little man and I believe that I am more that way than my DH. The three little ones and I laugh and laugh together and I feel like they get my jokes...it's so funny...in all ways....but I WAITED SO LONG for these little beings to come.
The biggest thing though is something that you can't see but I can feel...it's like there is a golden cord that connects me to my three youngest babies. I talked to them a lot before they were even embryos..telling them how much I wanted them to come and telling them how beautiful the world was...and to be patient etc. I felt them so strongly and there were all sorts of signs that we were meant to be together in this lifetime...yes maybe not using my genetic material but something even stronger...my spirit which in earth form allowed miracles to happen.
So I know my story isn't yours and you won't have the perspective that I have but I think we seriously think too much about the whole genetics thing...we are all alike, we are spirits first who come to earth and travel around in an earth suit to grow as souls.
I understand that you have to grieve this loss..it's sad certainly when your sister has that connection with her kids, if you want to say that, and you are not able to...I know...but really if you shift your perspective you will see that you have been given even a greater gift...to connect with your child's spirit before he/she is even on this earth...WOW..that is a true miracle.
Anyway...I hope my little input helps you see it from a different viewpoint slightly so you can move forward believing without this little spot be a part of your heart. It's all good...even better in so many ways than having your kids via your oe's b/c think of the things you have learned about being grateful, being patient, being generous, loving and compassionate...all things that we learn on the IF path...and those are the really important qualities that we can pass onto "our" children.
HUGS to you dear sugar...I hope that your cycle brings your soulbaby to you and in 9 months you will see what I feel. LET GO AND TRUST!
Blessings from Hope