I believe that the things that we feel with our hearts are more real than ANYthing that appears real on this earthly plane. I can't tell you if what you are experiencing is as a result of your imagination or if it is a connection to your soul baby...only you will know. How will you know?...you will feel the truth in it...it will resonate with your soul...your gut will tell you that it feels right and that it is very real.
I had several very deep experiences while ttc our last several children that I also had doubts about but as I moved from a place of my EGO,(earth guide only) and found my spirit, I knew that these dreams I was having of my soulbabies were my soul's voice.
The summer that I was 40, my family and I went to the ocean for a vacation...it was our third summer going to this resort so it felt like we were starting a tradition. As I watched our 4 young children play in the sand...they were building sand castles for the crabs that they were catching the vision of her came to me.
I still wonder if I had fallen asleep for awhile and dreamed it or if I was awake because I do recall the warmth of the sun on my face as I sat in a nearby chair to the children...I felt the ocean breeze and could hear the tide moving in a out in the distance...such a lovely reminder to breathe and relax...and everything kind of faded out as I had this vision...the children who had been shieking as they were catching their crabs became more faded as did the sound of the seagulls....all that came into intense focus was this little girl sitting amongst my children. She was chubby and round...probably on the verge of walking, she was wearing a pink one piece swim suit with a ruffle on the bum and she had a little white eyelet sun hat on her head. She was holding a bucket and a pail in her hands but she was still....just watching the children play.
Just before the vision left me, she turned her little face and gave me the biggest smile...right into my eyes like she was saying...'thanks for bringing me to the beach mommy' Then the vision was gone and everything came back into focus...the sound of our children and the beach noises.
We returned from holidays with buckets of shells, a camera loaded with pictures but I brought that vision of her with me...held it quietly near my heart. I didn't share it with anyone for the longest time because I didn't really know what it was all about...was it just a dream or was it my imagination...when we had had our fourth child I had been sad but knew that we had to be done since I was 39 when he was born...also there was a part of me that had wanted another girl...we had a DD first and then had 3 beautiful DS's in a row and I knew our DD had really wanted a sister...but oh I had to be done right...my DH WAS DONE.
But over the course of the following months as our family moved into fall she was near me....I never saw her again in that way but I felt her close to me...quietly and peacefully waiting. One night I shared my dream with my Dh AND asked him what he thought about ttc another baby. At first he thought I was crazy...after all we had FOUR children..what was I thinking and I was 40 as well. No we ended the discussion right there...he was right...but the feeling that she was near never left me...so in the spring I asked him again and we had nights and nights of talks...finally he agreed that we could try to conceive...it was a long journey believe me.
So we started to try and I was so happy but month after month went by and I didn't get pg...which was unusual for me. Our last baby had been born when I was 39..conceieved while we were just talking about having another...kind of a surprise as I must have ovualted early one month. Anyway, here I was with this strong feeling that there was one more and I had secondary infertility...or do you call it that when you are 40 something...old eggs probably is a better description...still just because I had four children didn't make the pain any less...in fact I often thought it was worse in many ways because I knew what I was missing and also I wanted the children close in age and it wasn't happening. I wondered if because it wasn't happening...THAT MAYBE IT WASN'T MEANT TO BE...after all you always heare people say...if it is meant to be that things will just come, they will flow easily and this was not working....so I had so many doubts despte being so sad as well.
TWo years after having that dream we again when back to the ocean. While there I read the book, 'Gift from the sea' by Anne MORROW LINDBERGH. I loved that book...I cried and cried over many parts, the words, 'One should lie empty, open, choiceless as a beach...waiting for a gift from the sea.'...well I thought about how I had been trying to conceive doing everything that I could to conceive...but it wasn't happening...maybe I needed to let go...surrender and lie empty waiting for a perfect shell to wash upon my beach...I also loved the part that said, 'I want first of all...to be at peace with myself. I want a singleness of eye, a purity of intention, a central core to mylife that will enable me to carry out obligations and activities as well as I can. I want in fact...to borrow from the language of the saints...to live 'in grace' as much of the time as possible.'
I thought about that last part and realized that I was trying to push things too much...I just needed to find peace...let go. On our return trip home, the children and I fell asleep lulled by the moving vehicle...it felt so wonderful...I knew my DH who was driving was enjoying the quiet in the van...one by one the children drifted off, I looked over at my DH and he smiled, I was feeling peaceful for the first time in several years, it had been a good holiday...very restorative and I had a new perspective about just surrndering to life...and as I settled into the front seat I drifted off as well.
I dreamed that my father who had been killed in a truck accident when I was 5 years old came to me...he was walking out of a fog and in his arms was a baby, wrapped in a soft pink blanket. He was about to hand that baby to me and just as I was about to reach for her, I woke up...we were on the highway near my hometown of 'HOPE' (hence my board name)...my father had been killed on this highway. I was so shocked and wondered what the dream meant....it wasn't later that I realized that it was very significant.
The next month was Sept 2001...right after the terrible 9/11 attack I found out we were pg...finally at last and we were so overjoyed. I felt like my soulbaby had finally come...and so strange how she had come in the month of so much pain in the world...so much fear too...but I had found peace at last. I thought for sure this was our little girl at last but sadly I never found out for sure b/c when I went in for an u/s at 10 weeks, they told me the heart beat had stopped a few days before by the dating.
While I waited for my body to m/c naturally, I had a dream that I was walking with a young little girl next to a very high creek...the water was really moving fast...at first we were just enjoying being together...the flowers, the buzzing of the bees, the sun...and then the weather started to change and I noticed that my Doctor, my husband, my children were on the other side of the creek and they were yelling for me to cross the creek before the storm came up...it was getting hard to hear them as it was getting so windy, the storm clouds coming in...I knelt down beside my little girl...I knew she was mine and told her that I had to leave...she was totally calm and peaceful but I was frantic...I wanted to rejoin my family but I didn't want to leave her..and then I woke up in such a turmoil.
At 12 weeks I was finally admitted to the hospital where they induced the m/c with drugs...I had a vaginal m/c which was very healing...as I bled, and cried, I could hear babies down the hall in the nursery...I was 42 and knew that we would never have another baby...but strangely enough I was okay...I had found peace on the journey and healing...maybe that was what this was all about all along.
Although the feeling that she was near never left me, I just felt that this would be the way it was for the rest of my life...maybe we would never be together on this earthly plane. The following spring my older sister, a yoga teacher asked me to accompany her to a Buddhist monastery in the mountains where she was going to give a workshop on meditation and yoga...and would I like to come...well I had a busy family but my DH insisted that I go...he knew that it would be good for me...it had been a dark winter with lots of sadness. That month I did lots of yoga and was working on extending my meditation time so I could keep up with the group...be able to sit for longer in silence and quiet...as I was getting ready to go..packing I realized my period was late...really late actually....and thought...of what the heck, I'd do a hpt...I had tons of them lying around still...I peed and went to pack my tampons etc...when I came back to look at the stick...it showed two pink lines...I was shocked...we hadn't tried at all...I had been working on surrendering, just trusting that month that life would unfold as it was meant to...and here I was...pg at 421/2.
Although I never breathed fully for months, the pg moved forward. I'll never forget my Dr. giving my the amnio results along with the gender in a little piece of paper...I drove to our little town's lookout, over our lake...I sat on a rock and opened the paper...totally expecting to see....'BOY'...but it said, 'normal female'...I had to blink several times...after having 3 boys in a row I thought that IF we had another baby it would be another son...but nope...this little one was a girl.
A year and a week after my m/c, I gave birth to our DD...I was 43. The pg had been wonderful but at the end, she had been born vaginally in the posterior position...with the cord wrapped around her neck twice...I thought...as they tried to get her to take her first breathe...well here we go...I finally have her only to loose her...but then she cried.
Grace Elizabeth will be 10 years this December....do I wonder if she was real....or was the thoughts of her just a dream from my imagination...now I know that she was very real. Years ago we put up a picture in our children's wing of the house and it showed 5 beautiful children at our ocean side resort...it was then that I realized that it was from my dream....she was wearing a pink swimsuit with a little ruffle around the bum...and a little white sun bonnet was on her curls...weird but so reaffiming in telling me to trust my gut, listen to my heart and to believe in dreams.
This journey to Grace taught me the lessons I needed when again after a surprise pgcy and sadly another m/c at almost 45 left me breathless...when I had that familiar whisper that there was another soul vibrating nearby I listened. When I spoke to a psychic healer she said that our spirit babies come and go.....some make it onto the earth....some just come and live for a brief time and don't come again...it is part of their soul's journey as well to decide if they want to incarnate or not into another earth suit...but my little guy stayed close to me.
Funny but I used to call him...my Hope baby...I thought for sure we were having another girl and I planned to name her Hope...but when we finally found out the gender and discovered our first de baby was a boy I just laughed...'where there is a Will there is a way...or as I also think of him...God's Will...he is my sweet William Seaton...Seaton means place by the sea which is where our fertility clinic is located. Anyway...he came to me in my dreams as well...but he was always genderless....just this beautiful baby...bauld...and the moment they placed him in my arms I knew him...he was like a happy buddha...big and round and he has been the HAPPIEST CHILD..oh he smiles and has this wonderful energy about him...he touches people with his hugs whereever he goes.
Before I end this novella...I have to tell you one final story...when ttc our DE baby I was doing weekly acupuncture and working with a TCm Dr....as I would drift off with the lovely needles relaxing my body, I would often dream of my dad coming near me and he often had two babies in his arms...I can remember him handing them to me and looking down at one and then the other with such delight...sometimes there was just one baby...so I was kind of perplexed when we found out that even though we had transferred several blasts...that Will was a singleton.
Not thinking that we would ever have twins...during our last FET, i was truly amazed and in wonder at our first u/s when I saw those two heart beats...and to make it more incredible...we were sent two beautiful girls...so now our family is complete...we have 4 girls and 4 boys...it just amazes me how the last 10 years have been so full of pain and darkness on many occasions while ttc and yet here these gifts are...gifts of wisdom which started while I was near the sea....and during the journey to these babies...and then the actual earthly babies in arms...you wonder if this is your imagination...or real...only in time will you be able to answer that but now you know what I think.
I really love that quote by Dr. Wayne Dyer, 'you will see it when you believe it.'.....not the other way around...we manifest only when we believe...when we think from the end...when we are living in a state of joy and trust...the vibration of what we want comes to us faster...when we live in the state of grace. I WISH THAT FOR YOU.
all the best on your journey to your soulbaby...all shall be well...is a good mantra to start with...blessigns from Hope