My journey was very long, like yours, and it's just so natural to think "there's something wrong with me, maybe I'm not "meant" to have a child", etc, etc. Horrible thoughts. I agree with Diaphanta that you have to feel what you feel, and acknowledge the place you're in (the good and the bad). But, for me, it did help to try to counterbalance all those fearful, negative feelings with positive affirmations of why I felt called to be a mother, and why I thought I would be a good one. If it's any comfort to you, many of us on the pink board went through all of that, some of us through several unsuccessful DE cycles, until finally, *finally*, it worked. The key is persistence; that's what this journey has taught me.