First, let me say that without a doubt I already love this little dude that is cooking up inside me. I am so thankful to have this option, and so grateful that it worked for me on the 1st try. That said, I all of a sudden decided to do DE when I knew the cost was within my reach. I did one more OE cycle while 'on hold' for hysteroscopy and donor to be free (and ended up with a diff donor anyhow), and it was my 3rd this year. At my age, I just knew the chances are so slim with IUI and frozen sperm. Life is just not fair. I did not even get to try until early/mid 40's. Tried for this entire year, 3 OE's, this 1 DE, and it cost $42k so far. Still have meds to buy. Never wanted to do this single.
I don't think this pg has really sunk in yet. It's still kind of surreal, and I won't be telling folks for a while, so it's hard to be excited when I can't speak about it. But kind of fun to have the secret.
Now to the long-winded point: last night I was out at dinner with a dear friend and actually the ONLY person who knows I'm pg. She asked me if I was just dying with excitement, and somehow I ended up bawling. The grief that is just simmering underneath the surface came up: I am not going to pass on my genetics. My bloodline ends with me. It is kind of unbelievable to me that this has ended this way. There's something very primal about this, and it makes me cry. And I feel guilty even saying this for this little baby that's going to be my child.
Anyhow, I don't want to linger in this, but I had to put it out there. It's just something that is. I can't change what is. So, there you have it. I hope others aren't brought down by this. Most of the time I'm fine and not thinking about DE, but this just came out of nowhere last night. Okay, enough. I've said my piece.