I wanted a "known" donor--someone who would agree to meet with us and for our first attempt at DE IVF we did meet her. The meeting took place at a restaurant and was moderated by the egg donor agency broker (a mistake in retrospect.)
The donor was lovelier in person than her photos had revealed and she wanted to know about US. Clearly she was a good hearted (and beautiful) young woman who wanted to connect to the couple she was donating to. I was moved by that and impressed with her beauty and her sincerity.
Unfortunately, as we arose to say goodbye, she gave my husband a warm hug. The memory of that hug haunted me the next day as I was doing laundry and I burst into tears. I realized that I felt like such a failure because I could not give my husband the child he deserved with my own eggs (unlike that young woman who was beautiful AND fertile.)
And then as she did the injectables and I was suppressed I could not get the thought, "I am having 'April and Scott's baby" out of my mind. It should have been Scott and my baby but the donor was too present in my imagination.
That cycle had to be cancelled sadly due to April's grandmother being diagnosed with muscular dystrophy (a horrible disease with a genetic component) on the eve of retrieval. Though, per our contract, we only owed her another $500 for her time and trouble I paid her an additional $1,000 because I felt bad (she had been counting on the fee to travel to Europe on for the summer and she had done her part faithfully, even stimming well enough.)
For the next two donors I just did phone interviews, moderated by the agency broker. MUCH easier. That way I could get a sense of the donor without having her physically present. My husband was on the phone for the second interview (whom I clicked with a lot but who failed to stim well enough for our RE's comfort level--so we cancelled the cycle (at his recommendation) before retrieval.) but my husband was not in on the call not for the third potential donor, the one we went with. (My husband was tired of getting attached and realized that the decision was really mine to make anyway.) The agency/donor's broker was on the phone for those "interviews" as well to make sure I didn't ask anything inappropriate/accidentally overstep a boundary.
The final donor and I did not "click" AT ALL when we spoke on the phone but it didn't matter. She met my criteria: local, proven, healthy, approximately my height, weight, and ethnic backgrounds and she made good eggs that made good embies and ONE hatching blast gave us our darling daughter. However, two weeks before term, one week before my scheduled C-section, I came down with HELLP Syndrome (an extreme form of eclampsia) that gave me a stroke and put me in a three week long coma, and gave me severe and long lasting TBI (memory and some path finding issues) with which I still struggle.) (Right now the research suggests a male and female genetic component to HELLP. Not sure if the donor may have contributed or if she should be informed...am waiting to hear more research unfold before we decide whether or not to let her know.)
I would say if you want to get to know her, have a psychologist counsel you first (one who specializes in third party reproduction) so that you can consider ALL the implications of such a decision.
I'm glad I made a book for my daughter with info and pix from our donor's profile while I was pregnant (I also included ultrasound pix of my baby and pix of me pregnant) and am glad I spoke to our donor on the phone and put in the contract that she promises to CONSIDER third party contact from our daughter (thru a lawyer) after our daughter is 18 if our daughter decides she wants it, but I'm also not sorry that I didn't meet her in person.
Sincerely,
Lisa
P.S. Your donor doesn't think she wants children NOW but that may very well change later on.