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  • My perspective and story (OE and DE ment)
    • Renata (Login doglvr)
      Posted Mar 2, 2012 2:21 PM

      So, I have an OE DD who is 5, and although looks a great deal like me, I don't "recognize" a bit of my personality in her. I was shy and quiet as a child; she is loud and outgoing. Some days I look at her and just wonder where she came from! She is developing in her own way in spite of her genetics. And oddly enough, when I was pregnant with her I had this odd feeling that she was not "mine" in this way. That she was 100% her own person and not really "of me" (although she has my genes). And so it is! Even if your child had your genes, and those of your DH, genes are funny things and express themselves in ways we cannot control. So although you are musical, your child might not be, or might reject musical training simply because his/parents are gifted musicians! Although you are smart, your child might be more average, or have learning issues. Even with our OE kids, the ego has to get out of the way at some point. If it doesn't, that's called narcissism, and having a narcissistic mother myself I can say that that pretty much screws a kid up. It's not their job to be like us. It's our job to nurture who they are.

      Fast forward to my DE twin boys. First I wanted a donor with my ethnicity, but couldn't find one I liked (very few in our part of the country). That was a hard one to let go. So then I sought someone with my basic body type, same part of the world in terms of ethnicity, who seemed kind and was highly educated, had my coloring. Found one, then another recipient had a second trimester loss from her donation (possible genetic issue) and the genetic counselor recommended we not go with her. I next found a donor with my birth day, blood type, a dancer like me, and the day we called to reserve her another couple got to her first. I just turned 43 and was really fed up. I got practical : young, proven (with my clinic), available right now, well-enough educated. So, her paternal ethnicity is similar to DH's and her mom has darker skin like my family. She has brown eyes. Well, here come the eyes, very fair skin, both with blond hair and one looking very Nordic. Seriously looks Scandinavian. WTF??? The donor is 1/2 Mexican and let me tell you, the boys are as far from looking Mexican as possible. So much for getting boys with brown eyes and brown hair, or looking anything like either DH nor myself, or the donor for that matter. But here's the thing...IT DOESN'T MATTER! We tried to control how they turned out but nature had a different idea! They are amazing. I couldn't love them more. And guess what? One boy has my personality in spades in a way my OE DD never will.

      So here's the thing my can't control any of it. A Buddhist perspective on non-attachment is a good thing to work on, or another similar spiritual perspective if you will, such as "Let go and let God". Whether from your egg or not, you aren't in control. It's a hard thing to deal with, but that's life in general, not just baby-making. But if you aren't ready then give yourself some time. Keep posting here. It is seriously a journey to find what is right for you and your family. I know it's hard to talk honestly with our husbands about our feelings sometimes. I tend to share with girlfriends more and just give my DH the basics as he can't seem to handle the full load. Most guys are like that - "Just the facts, ma'am". If there is a RESOLVE group in your area that might be a good place to start.

      Hang in there. We all do understand.

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