I completely understand how you are feeling--and I'm sure nearly every woman on this board can also relate in some way. I was so incredibly sad and simply furious that I was left with no other options besides DE. I didn't want to do it, I feared I would never be able to get past it, and the cost was overwhelming. My husband and I spent a full year seeing a therapist on a regular basis who specializes in these kinds of fertilty issues and it was hugely helpful. Not sure if that's something you've tried or considered, but I honestly don't think I would have made it to where I am now if I hadn't done that. And for what it's worth, once I finally made the decision, selected a donor and moved forward with the processs, I never had a second of regret. And now, looking at my 10-month-old miracle, I can't believe my good fortune. Sure, I still occasionally wish she shared my genetics, but to me she's perfect, so I can't really wish her to be anything other than exactly who she is. Hang in there, take the time you need to work through all of this and process your grief. I wish you all the best.