I have no specific advice for your situation, but I hope you can stop kicking yourself. You have been through so much and you made the best decision with the information you had at the time. For that matter, blaming the agency, clinic, or whoever also (IMO) creates negative energy and drains precious resources. (I'm not saying you shouldn't hold them accountable, just don't waste energy on the negative emotions if you can help it.) I wish you the best, whatever you decide to do from here.