We've been trying to start a family for 8 years, and I'm now 41, soon to be 42. I was certain that our first DE cycle last month was going to finally work. It didn't. I immediately started focusing on choosing another donor and moving on to the next cycle. I was shocked that both my husband and my mother questioned moving forward at all. We are on the shared risk plan, and therefore have FIVE more cycles that we've in essence already paid for. I was honestly so surprised when my husband gently suggested that maybe it just wasn't meant to be - that maybe this was a subtle sign that we were on the wrong path and that we should close this door and instead pour our hearts and efforts into the adoption process. My mother had a similar reaction, asking, "How many more times can you go through this, K? How many more times can you put (my husband) through this, and me, and everyone else who loves you and are hurt to see your heart and spirit crushed when you go through this horrible diapppointment each time?" My answer was - I don't know? I don't know how many more times I can do it? But I knew I wasn't ready to give up after one cycle - that I knew absolutely and completely.
Now I'm worried to death about how I'll deal with it if the second cycle doesn't work. Up until this point my husband has been a saint, the world's most sensitive and supportive man, etc. But - what if he is losing patience? What would I do then? He has been very open about the fact that he was ready to ditch IVF and puruse adoption YEARS ago. He wants to be a father; he wants us to be a family. He doesn't care if the child is purple with green polka dots and/or was conceived on another planet. I'm the one who initially couldn't give up on the idea of a biological child, and who, having then moved on to the idea of DE, can't now give up on the idea of carrying a child. Honestly, I have always said that if it were solely up to me, and I had a healthy money-tree growing in the backyard, I'd just keep doing IVF over and over and over again - hundreds of times if necessary, until it worked. Statistics would eventually have to fall in my favor, right? But of course that's unrealistic.
Infertility has thus far strengthened my marriage and brought my husband and I extremely close together. I feel like we might finally be at a place I've often heard others describe, where there is a passionate difference of opinion as to how to proceed. It scares me to think about how this could drive a wedge between us. I'm going into this cycle with a certain amount of dread. And every now and then a little voice inside me wonders if I'm just a little bit crazy, obsessed, or at the very least myopic to an extreme. So, as I said, I can relate.