Some of you may remember me. We had 11 years of infertility 16 IUI's and 6 ICSI/IVF, the last cycle being with donor Egg. With that cycle I had a chem pregnancy. Straight after that cycle we adopted our beautiful son at 4 months. He is now going on 4 and we are wanting to adopt/have another child. With our son we have an open adoption and on Sunday Dylan't birth mom said that she would be a surrogate for us. She has just turned 36 and has had a total of 4 children (1 she has managed to keep). Now the dilemma. Firstly I am covered medically for childbirth, but she won't be. So if we go with IUI that would keep the cost down, but we would have to pay all medical bills. If I carry the baby, we will have to pay for fertility treatments, but I will be covered for childbirth and will experience pregnancy. I am age 47. Any insight for me.
My quick Google suggests that South Africa is a pretty surrogacy-friendly country, but surrogacy is so awesomely expensive, even at its best. Re IUI, does traditional vs. gestational surrogacy affect the enforceability of the agreement?
I guess a lot depends on your physical health and what gynecological issues you were experiencing when you were still ttc. I was 48 and perimenopausal when I conceived and bore twins with DE IVF, and there are plenty more women on these boards who did the same, so age itself isn't necessarily an obstacle. Also, I know South Africa is a lower cost DE IVF destination for fertility tourists, and I'm presuming that's true for you, too(?).
I read a statistic once that 90% of women who try DE IVF will become pg if they attempt three cycles (although I'm not remembering whether that 90% will achieve a live birth, which I tend to doubt; there are a lot of data junkies on this list who may have a better grip on that). Honestly, I think it depends a lot on how emotionally tied you are to wanting your next baby to be your adopted child's genetic sibling. If you aren't, especially if DE IVF is relatively affordable and your health is good, I'd be more inclined to give it at least a couple of tries with my own body.
But I'll be interested to read what everyone else thinks, especially those with more in-depth knowledge of foreign surrogacy law.
Thanks Maggie. Either way it will be the birth mom's egg. Was just thinking maybe I could carry the baby still using her eggs. She seems to fall pregnant very easily, so doing IUI would probably work with her. There is nothing physically wrong with my, just 'old' lol. I have no fear of birth mom not handing the baby over, as we have such a good relationship with her and she does produce beautiful children. We have some frozen donor sperm that we will use, so the birth father will be different.
If we went the IUI route we would have to adopt the child once it was born.......I think.
I would second what Maggie said; if there were gyny reasons that affected your ttc efforts back in the day, I'd head towards the surro route.
Though financially, that sounds more burdensome...
Personally, (and given that I've been burned by a birth mother changing her mind at the VERY last minute in an adoption), I'd be cautious about wading into the potentially volatile waters of surrogacy and adoption with a woman who has adopted out three (or had them removed?) children.
It sounds like you have a fabulous relationship with Dylan's birth mother; all credit to you for that (and her)....I would just be nervous about entering the potential minefield with someone carrying that history.
keep us posted and all the very very best.
I don't think the actual IUI with the birth mom will cost too much,just the birth really. Birth mom has an 18 month old baby girl who she is managing to keep. She is going through a divorce at the moment, so I know there is no chance she would be able to look after another. Her whole reason for wanting to do this, is to give Dylan a sibling. I also think that she feels that this is her way of doing some good.......even though she has given 3 families the gift of a child. I remind her of that often. She has no family and looks at us as family although she doesn't know where we live.
Here in South Africa the birth mom has 60 days to change her mind once an adoption goes through. With Dylan she had 60 days. She is such a strong woman and only thought of her children when they were given up for adoption. She was brought up in foster care and is constantly trying to build that family that she never had, by choosing awful men.
She now has a 5 days week job and is getting back on her feet.
and if your gut has a good feeling about this, I'd say go for it....
Here in New Zealand we don't have a time limit on how long a birth mum can take to change their minds; but the earliest they can sign over parental rights is 10 days post birth. And if she's old and wise enough to have known that the adoptions were right for her babies, that's a huge step in the right direction as far as you're concerned...
'Our' birth mum had just turned 16 when she birthed, and her own drug-addled dad turned up out of the blue and pressured her to keep the baby. Her own Mum ended up adopting the baby, though she'd said for months that was the last thing she wanted to do...
So my opinion is undeniably coloured by this experience.
Keep us posted; interesting times!
I am so sorry you had to go through that. We also have a baby in the pipeline as well. Wasn't going to get into that, but she signed her away to us and took her back after 30 days. Luckily we hadn't taken her home as the social worker was worried the birth mom would change her mind, so she was in foster care. Then after 5 days she contacted the social worker again and the baby went back into foster care. We are still waiting to see if she is going to sign again. Baby is going to be a year old on 4 Jan. It is a very sad story. Birth father is white died of AIDS and birth mom is black (Zulu) and has AIDS. Baby is neg and very fair which causes a problem for the birth mom as her community is calling her a prostitute because the baby looks white. For this reason she has been covering the baby in a blanket whenever she is in public. Birth mom also has no job and some days has no food. Really a very sad story. Tomorrow we should know one way or the other.
I know. I think the reward will be so great watching her go through life. I know it is so hard for her birth mom, but she is not thinking of the child. This child if left with the birth mom will not have a good life and if mom dies, which she probably will, I shudder to think what will happen to baby. We went and saw the baby 2 weeks ago. She is so sweet and the age gap between her and Dylan is just under 3 years. It is really out of our hands, so now we just wait.
that's a formidable situation. We can't take babies home from foster care until BM's have signed the final orders...but knowing that the baby who may be yours is in foster care is dreadful; 'ours' was in it for months while a decision was made.
I truly hope this baby gets to come home to you.
These are exactly the scenarios where all the unknowing fertiles who blithely say "why don't you just adopt?" as if it's the easiest thing in the world, drive me nuts.
I wish you all the best; let us know what happens if you feel too; otherwise, we'll be here to cheer you on with your next steps...
Isn't it possible to show HIV positive up to 6 months after birth? I would also insist on checking at your own hospital! I wish you the best of luck with whatever you decide. Dylan is such a gorgeous baby, I don't blame you for wanting to use the same eggs, his birth mother also sounds like a lovely person and I also would be inclined to trust her knowing how she has conducted herself so far. It may be a good idea to do an egg donation cycle using her first and if it doesn't work go the surrogacy route or even if you have any frozen embies from a donor cycle that doesn't work you could always transfer them to her.
As far as I know, if the baby is born positive, it can still turn out negative, but not the other way around. We will definitely do more test though, altho it seems like birth mom is not going to sign. I am getting fed up waiting for her, as she is just messing everyone around.
I am tempted to do a donation cycle as birth mom is not divorced yet, which could complicate things.
Can you pay for the BMs medical policy? (adopt ment)
December 9 2010, 7:07 AM
First, congrats on your beautiful little boy! I remember you from the boards as well. I have 2 adopted girls (they are bio siblings), and here is the US, our BM was put on Medicaid once she found out she was prg (she didn't have any insurance before either prg). However, if for some reason she was denied Mecicaid, DH and I had the option to buy/pay for her medical healthcare policy during prg/birth. It was going to be something like $400 month, but A LOT cheaper than if she delivered without heath insurance. I'm not sure how Healthcare works in SA, but is that an option, rather than paying out-of-pocket? I think if I were in your shoes, I'd still opt for the BM to be your "surrogate" as she seems to have no problem with prg/birth.
Also, sending prayers your way in regards to the 2nd baby girl. I can't even imagine how hard that wait is. I will be thinking about you.