Well...got the call with the sad voice...Not good news, beta
DH and I angry, sad, disappointed and thinking we need to take the hint and realize parenthood may not be for us. But, just not sure what to think. Thanks for ALL the support out there! And to my co-2ww friends...may your news be plentiful and positive...our team deserves some good news!!!

Calm 118 (aka notsocalm)

I know what a crushing disappointment this is. Did any of your remaining embies make it to freeze? I know that I needed some time to regroup, but I'm trying again. Hopefully you will find the strength and resources to try again soon.

Thank you...

Unfortunately, with 8 fertilized eggs and 2 transferred, there were none of the 6 remaining on Day 5 to freeze. Didn't freak about it at the time...because I was delusional and thought we had our baby on board! LOL...omg, this is hard.

we had 8 that became just one by the time they transfered on Day 5... hard is an understatement isn't it?!

I know this is tough to live through, and we all feel like DE should work and work quickly because afterall...they are eggs from women who are at a point in life that they should produce eggs of superstar quality. Unfortunately, I am finding that is not always the case, and that many of the wonderful, deserving, patient, hopeful women on this board have suffered losses and have been let down at various points of this DE journey. Does it mean that we are not destined to be parents? I do not think so. I just think that the road will be different for all of us. For some, it might happen right away, for others there will be try after try before it happens for us. Others may decide that a GC may be the right move for them, and still others may look at adoption as a way to complete their family.

But if it is your dream to be parents, it is definitely out there for you. Don't give up. I know it is hard...but I am soooo sure that the ultimate reward will be more than worth it. I truly believe that in all great things of life, we are most grateful for those things which we thought to be impossible that somehow, miraculously happened.

Give yourself time to be sad, and angry and disappointed, but NEVER be defeated. You DESERVE the happiness that is in store for you!

Blessings and hugs to you!!!

I know how horribly crushing this is. We needed 5 donors and 6 transfers to conceive our DD. For most of us who get negatives on the first try, it's a matter of coming down on the wrong side of the odds. Not every embryo can attach and not every month is a good one for the uterus. Sometimes that just happens. If it happens again and again, then you have to start thinking something else is wrong.

We eventually used donor sperm on half the eggs, just in case. And we did immune testing and found several (mostly minor) things that needed treating.

I do NOT think you were not meant to be parents. I do think you need to take time to mourn before you decide what to do next. A bfn after a cycle like this (where we go to such measures) is a loss.

I hope you are able to grieve and heal. Be patient with each other. This is a hard time for you both.

Hope you are getting lots of hugs and can take some time to regroup. I know that it hurts so much when this happens. There's nothing we can say to make it better but know that we are all thinking of you. big hug.

Rachel

Calm-

I had a sigh as well when I read your post:( I am so deeply sorry. I remember when I received the same news with my first cycle, and naturally, I felt the same exact way you do. I am sorry for the pain that you are going through. Take care of yourself, its a hard time. We're here for you.
All my best,
Lu

it so disappointing. I know there is nothing anyone can say or do to make it better. Take care of yourself and allow the time you need to grieve. Three and a half weeks out from a BFN on my first DE cycle and things are slowly returning to normal. Instead of tidal waves of grief, they are now smaller waves of sadness that are still painful but not overwhelming. Sending thoughts and hugs your way!

...I am so sorry that I didn't truly appreciate what you were going through when you posted about your BFN. I sincerely hope you are moving steadily forward and have found a way to breathe Thank you for your kind words. You are an inspiration to me in your ability to remain so positive for us, while you grieve. I am doing my best to do the same...it means so much. Thank you.

It's the pits, it really is. Take care of yourself.

THANK YOU FOR THE SWEET SWEET WORDS...They help so much...but still having a hard time. Pardon the vent that is to follow.

This is unlike anything else I have felt...having gone through several OE IVFs (BFNs), I thought I would know how to respond to this. As if I somehow had BFNs handled. I knew it would be hard, but what I am feeling is truly unlike anything else I have ever felt. Yes, grief...that one I recognize (death of my father, cumulative grief of the OE cycles). But I am so very angry this time. It was supposed to work. Yes, I guess we ignored the fact that a 50% success rate includes a 50% failure rate...but never did it really occur to me that it wouldn't work.

Not sure how much I have shared before...but we landed on our donor after the first 2 we chose didn't work out. Donor#2 - who was proven - simply couldn't cycle as soon as we wanted and we just were too excited to wait. I am 2nd guessing that now - wondering if deep down I was never 100% in love with our final donor - was this the result? Angry at myself for rushing things when I had a nagging feeling. If we got a BFP - would have forgotten that completely...but with the BFN, it is in my mind.

Embarrassed I shared the journey with our family (not to a wide group beyond that). Just hearing the sadness in their voices when we called today - so hard to be around them without feeling it. And, quite frankly, I have a sister in law (with three children) who will never ever acknowledge our loss...and that just pisses me off, too! I want the love and support our family offers, just can't handle the attention and sadness it brings to interactions.

Failure. This time, like no other, I feel like I failed. I know - too many things at play. I was so OCD about everything. Quit everything bad, weekly accupuncture, more sleep, more water, pineapple core. BUT...I had a major job change during the 2ww where I had to choose between two worlds...one local and simple (better if I am a mom) and one on the corporate fast track (travel a lot - bad for moms). I chose the local one (had to make the decision before the beta). The stress of that decision likely played a role and I hate that. I couldn't control that at all...and if it played a role...oh, how I hate this new job for that.

But, the new job is better if we try again. Do we even want to try again? I know we need time to decide...but I have changed my mind 17 times today alone on that front. No/yes/no/yes/no/yes. So many beautiful stories of it eventually working after several DE cycles...that is alluring. What scares me is a scenario that goes on and on with frosties from DE #2...can I ever allow us to stop? Should I?

My DH had to step out of work to hear the news today and after 20 minutes of wiping my tears, he had to return. He works with the public and had such a hard time today. I don't know how he is doing it. His gut reaction was to stop. This is the first time he was so involved, so connected and so confident it was going to work - he never wants to feel this way again. Maybe that will shift...but maybe it won't. We bonded during this cycle and in a strange way - it was a blessing for us - despite the BFN.

God has a plan for us...and it wasn't to become parents this year. I just wish he would give us a clear sign before we go through this again

Much love, friends. Thanks for the BB therapy!

No advice but I wanted to send a hug. (( )) Thinking of you. I know it hurts.

you did what was best at the time. My theory is that the failure with DE cycle is so much worse b/c the expectations are so much higher. We used a four time proven donor, my endometrium looked perfect on ultrasound and the embryo we transfer was eight cell, grade A, no fragmentation. Like you I left the transfer convinced I was pregnant this time. Out clinic had a 65% live birth rate with fresh DE cycles in 2008. Unlike with my OE cycle when they gave us a less than 5 % chance of pregnancy.

The anger is a completely normal reaction. I remember I was so angry the first week. I just wanted to punch someone or something and this is totally unlike me and my normal personality. For me the anger was more directed at the people that get pregnant that don't deserve to be parents and even at the people that get pregnant on the first try naturally (have a co-worker that just got married in early Nov. and is already 12 weeks prego.) I work in a hospital so the majority of employees are young females. Just Friday my prego co-worker said to me" "There must be something in the water....everyone is pregnant." I feel so fortunate to have this board because only the ladies here can understand how painful hearing something like that is.

Will you have a follow-up with RE? I had mine this week and I'm feeling a little better now. He said most likely cause of BFN is bad egg. Said something about not being able to judge a book by it's cover. Good looking embryos can be mede with chromosomally abnormal eggs. They are going to do an endometrial biopsy next month just to make sure I don't have a mild chronic infection/inflammation in my endometrium. But I really left the appt feeling like it was nothing I did to cause the BFN it is just all a crapshoot. RE showed me a research article that demo. among healthy egg donors only 43 % of eggs retrieved are chromosomally normal.

We are here to support you. Take care. HUGS

How I can relate to your rant - I have been there so many times, as you say 'This was supposed to work.' And that makes it all the harder.

Just a couple of things I wanted to say in response:

First - I, for one, do not believe that your stressful career decision during your 2ww played a part in your BFN. My incredibly wise therapist would often remind me that women get pregnant in the most stressful of circumstances: rape, war, disease. She happened to be carrying out voluntary counselling for a few refugee women who had experienced this. Also personally my most successful cycle was probably my most stressful cycle. Trying to avoid stress is stressful in itself - IVF is in essence stressful IMO so impossible to avoid altogether - just give yourself a break and try and get through without having to make yourself be a certain way.

Second - of course you will try again - sorry if that sounds presumptuous. It's not going to be easy for you - but you will try again and at some point, with the next or a future cycle and one way or another - you will succeed. Make up your mind that this is so and things will be OK.

Third - just because things are hard doesn't make them less 'meant to be'. Otherwise none of us would ever do anything that challenged us. Some of the most valuable things I have achieved have been the most difficult.

Very best wishes to you.

I can really feel your pain and it's such a deep loss. I'm really, truly sorry.

I have that tendency to question what role my job played in my losses. I have a stressful job--the losses happen at a super stressful time. It made me hate my job and everyone at my job and the whole world. Also, I blamed myself.

But there's no knowing. That's the hardest thing of all, in a way. But I've noticed some people just take it as bad luck and other people question everything and blame themselves. I do the latter and it's too much responsibility and that is probably not accurate to the situation.

We don't have that much control. This is both good and bad.

I'm not saying you are doing that entirely--but I had a weird experience where I saw a doctor and talked about my two losses & 1 failure and all the rest--and he said 'that is normal.' That many miscarriages even in a younger woman could be normal. That was just so shocking. Like--there are odds, you are playing them and you can win or lose and maybe it isn't always explicable in terms of something you did. So it's not FAILURE but actually LOSS. Like a roll of the dice.

I can never think of it that way, completely. But rationally, I believe it is that way.

I'm sorry for your DH. It hurts a lot for them also. My DH stays more detached mostly since the first loss which was really hard on him. It actually works out because he is focussed on me and thinks very positively and optimistically because he doesn't feel so emotionally vulnerable.

I don't know if you can allow yourself to stop. I found that I could not allow myself to stop as long as there is some way to end up with a child (not necessary DE). I don't know why...I just can't. But it seems like a good idea to me most of the time. I've just accepted my inability to stop though.

It's REALLY hard. But I don't think you should second guess yourself about your choice of a donor or changing jobs or anything else. Sometimes a loss is a loss. If God has a plan, we don't know what that plan is. We can just hope.

Unless you are just dead sure you don't want to try again, and I think it would be a shame if you didn't, you'll be glad that you won't have to be on a plane a lot. I actually *don't* have to travel a lot for my job, but for some reason they asked me to fly to a site shortly after my 2ww and BFP, and I started to bleed from an SCH the night before I left. I had a beta scheduled for the next morning before I left, and when I could finally talk to my doctor, the numbers were still good, but I spent the whole trip walking around bleeding not knowing whether I had miscarried. Now, that you don't need.

It takes most of us more than one try. It's just so easy for the ladies who have had lots of previous attempts w/OE to feel as though this next thing just has to work. Giving up now, at least if you have the financial and emotional resources to try again, isn't giving yourselves a fair chance.

Wishing you all the best,

Maggie (in VA)

Was this your first DE cycle? If you have the funds to cycle again, you might still have your dream come true. My first cycle was converted to frozen and was -ive. My next fresh cycle was +, but ectopic. At least I know I can still get pg, though, and I hope when I do my FET that will be the lucky one. GL to you and big hugs.

I am so so sorry.
My heart truley ache for you and your Dh.
I guess DE failure is so much more harder in a way since we were made to believe it is the answer for all of our failures. And it hurts even more when the one thing that is supposed to work doesn't.
I pray you get hope from all the stories on the board, persistence and eventual success.

I pray for peace and strength during this difficult time.

A DE BFN is awful. My biggest fear of using DE was that it wouldn't work either and to have that come true was devastating. Like you, our initial reaction was to give up. Two weeks out, I am starting to feel better and we already chose a new donor on Friday. I wouldn't make any decisions now. Wait until you have a little time to process before you decide on next steps. So sorry again. ((Hugs))

I was so hoping you would get a positive result since I am an alumnus from your clinic. You are right, the feelings from getting a BFN from a DE cycle are so intensely awful, I can relate since I experienced many failed cycles before my successful one. Please don't lose hope and please do try again if you're able to do so, emotionally, physically and financially. Like Mrs. M, give yourself some time and then get back on the horse, that's my opinion anyway. It's such a stab in the heart, these DE cycles are touted as THE answer and when they don't work, it just feels so much worse. I'm so sorry.

I just read your news and my heart goes out to you both. The ladies on here that have responded before me have great advice and insight. There is little I can add but I am sending you a comforting hug. Take care of yourself and DH at this sad time.

I am so sorry. This absolutely sucks, it really does. As someone else posted above, you didn't cause this BFN. People get PG in all kinds of crazy situations. I've not been through a DE cycle yet, but can see how it would be 2x as tough to get a BFN, because, yes, you've invested so much, you've gone through so much to get to that point, and you expect it to work.

I also echo what someone else said: If at first you don't succeed, try, try again! I know it's really, really rough right now, but a BFN does NOT mean that you are not meant to be parents! Truly, the best things I've done in my life have taken tremendous effort, tenacity, and .....many tries.

Bless you as you put one foot in front of the other to get through the coming days, but get through them you will. When you are ready, you will come up with plan B. Never, never, never give up! You gotta believe.

Peace to you and your DH during this sad, sad time.

and by the tone of your post as well...after our first fresh Perfect CYCLE ended I couldn't ever imagine us having success...for several weeks I was so sad and depressed....but I did a lot of lurking and found that there were lots of women like me who had perfect cycles fail and then they went on to have success.

Also, we cycled in the summer, during our holidays when life was easier...I thought the lack of stress would really be another plus...also I had really wanted a spring baby...it just felt so right.

Then when we had a chemical and decided to move forward in Sept which is crazy around our house i had moments of doubts...more stress, we had to travel to our clinic on a whirlwind trip, and this would put the baby due in the summer...IF we even got pg.

Well wouldn't you know...the FET worked and we were expecting a June baby...when spring rolled around we had so many stressful issues to deal with that I would have never expected and so had we been pg with that Spring baby it would have been so hard....the UNIVERSE sometimes knows the timing better than we do....sometimes you just have to say..well what is...is...and let go and trust that the right timing for your baby will fall into place.

I too am a bit Ocd about my diet, exercise, even my yoga...which is suppose to be easy...my acupuncture etc and while I cycled during our FET...my TCM Dr. would reassure me by saying....'this is a new day'....just because your last cycle failed doesn't mean that this one would...I had a few mantras during that first FET...but I'll never forget her saying...this is a new day.

And for now it is time to be sad, to grieve to mourn the loss of your dream baby and the timing...and then let a new day build you back up...build your soul, build your physical body and your emotional self...and while you move forward...if that is what you and DH choose to do...try to do so with a sense of letting go and trusting...relaxing, breathing, trusting and enjoying the journey to your baby.

My thoughts and prayers are with you now, hugs from Hope

Wow...what wisdom in all of your words. I am humbled that each of you would take the time to write from your hearts. Please know that it is your words that makes each day better and more hopeful - whichever path we decide to pursue (or not).

I called the REs office today to schedule a follow-up for DH and I to simply ask what possibly happened (although we suspect it just wasn't in the cards - perhaps we should test for something!?). Did I tell you all about the coupon? I will send more on that later...but just before our BFN, the clinic issued a coupon for your next DE cycle....25% off! OMG! Might sound like great news...but too much for us to think about right now LOL.

Thanks for all you do - each of you in your own beautiful way - it makes a difference in my world and I will never forget you for it