Today I feel like I almost had a nervous breakdown. I am just starting my first DE cycle. It had to do with not getting a response back, thinking it went out of business and wires getting crossed. My imagination had the worse happening and I caused it to myself. Its just so much is vested in this. I eventually got word and everything is fine. However, I don't think it helps we are no tell. The only people who know are my DH and my mom. Its just been three long years. I know there are others who have been thru this a lot longer. My mom is to the point where she is like this is all too much. I know its b/c she cares so much and doesn't want me to hurt anymore. So then I recoil even more b/c I don't want her to react in that way. I just can't win.

(((Hugs)))...You might benefit from talking to a counselor or acupuncture or other stress reduction techniques.

I know I felt 100X better after doing acupuncture just this week.

That said, I have never in my life experienced a stress like this-it's just unique as a stressor because you have this feeling it's all on you--you have to save the day, etc. It's a ton of responsibility plus lack of control combined--which is the most amazing recipe for cracking I have ever heard of.

I needed to become a Buddhist monk before doing this--but here I am.

We all need support when we are going through this so it's tempting to tell various people but don't do it. Some day, this will all be behind you and you will no longer need moral support, but yet the secret will be out if you told people when you were "needy" so to speak. Many women felt differently about telling once their baby came. Once you ring a bell you cannot unring it. If you really need someone in real life to talk to, consider seeing a fertility therapist.

Hang in there. It's hard, I know.

I agree whole heartedly with the other posters. Come lean on the boards whenever you need to, and if you need some IRL, face time and actual vs. virtual hugs, seek out a FERTILITY therapist. Everyone's needs and reasons for being tell/ no tell vary, and I have no judgements on whatever anyone chooses what is best for their family. I will tell you a bit of my situation on that front.

I was originally open about everything. I was one of the few that was able to embrace the DE aspect and give up my genetics rather freely. I'm also single and using donor sperm, so that fact might have made it a tad easier. Some of my cousins are adopted and it was never considered as if they weren't as much of my family as any other member of the family, and I was always raised that way. I never considered my aunt and uncle any less my cousin's parents than my parents (by the old fashioned method) were to me. So, it never really occured to me that anyone, esp. any adult would think differently. What can I say, I was naive and rather stupid before I entered the IF world. I truly was. And then I heard a friend, a teacher of many years, refer to a friend's DE child as not really hers. I heard her refer to someone else's adopted children the same way. I have corrected her many times, and she continues to not get it. This is an elementary school teacher. I then heard of stories and other people encountering the same sort of thing, even from family members. It shocked and horrified me that everyone didn't see it the same way that I did. (actually, I feel that way about a lot of things, esp. politics, but I will try to stay on point. ) I then decided that I would no longer be quite so "tell", b/c I never wanted my child to hear from someone else that I wasn't their real mom. And I figured I would tell my child and figure that part out once I got that lucky. I am so sorry that I ever opened up my big mouth, as my bell has been rung. And I still am in the fairly "tell" camp, but I just want my child's privacy protected. If you feel as if you are just going to bust and want to talk to someone about it, come here or talk to a counselor. Learn from my mistake, don't ring the bell until you are good and ready, and very sure you want to ring it.

Also, I was in a similar boat with my parents. When I started out, they were very supportive of everything. They had no problems with the fact that I was going to be a single mom by choice, and embraced it. They knew that I have always loved and wanted kids. My mother actually wanted me to try earlier, and I should have listened to her. I just didn't think I was ready yet. Anyhow, as I was continuing to have problems, early mc, BO, etc. and they saw how sad and upset it was making me, they changed their tune a bit. Only out of love and they hated to see me so upset. Their answer to fixing it was for me to be happy with my life as it is. Well, I tried to explain to them that this wasn't possible. They just didn't seem to understand that. I became very hurt by that fact. I finally was able to get pg and decided to not tell them until the pg was viable, b/c the pg had lots of complications from the beginning, and I couldn't handle any additional worries from them, I had enough of my own. My pg ended very badly when I was 18w. It was a mc turned into a life threatening surgery that ended in a hysterectomy (and I was lucky, as it very nearly ended in all of me). My friends contacted my family while I was in emergency surgery when the nurse let them know just what the situations was. My parents were on a plane within an hour and were there when I remember waking up (a lot of it is a blur). My brother prepped them to say that they could only come if they were going to be supportive, and that I hadn't mentioned the pg for a reason. I have to say that they were wonderful and I realized just then how much they really loved me. All of the hurt went away. I realized then and there that the only reason they were not supportive towards the end was out of their love for me, and the only way they knew how to protect me from all of the hurt was for them to try to stop me from trying anymore. They just couldn't understand that not trying was the most painful of all. I think that is a very difficult thing for fertile people to understand, b/c they took for granted their ability to have children. So, I am very sorry if you are not getting the support that you need from your mom, but I have no doubt that it is out of love. If possible, try to explain to her that the thought of living your life childless is the most painful of all options. Hopefully she will understand. If not, maybe it is best to avoid the subject. Quite possibly, it's not that your mom doesn't want to support you, it's just that she doesn't know how to. And again, then come here and/or to a fertility therapist. And, I highly recommend that you vet that therapist thoroughly so that it is someone who fully understands exactly what you are going through. I've read on here about some awful encounters with the wrong therapist who truly did not understand infertility at all.

As an aside: Turns out both my brother and my mom pretty much knew I was pg, but were waiting for when I was ready to announce it. My brother figured it out b/c every time he skyped me for the 5 months I was on bedrest, I was in my bed. I always had an excuse, but he figured it out. I NEVER brought my laptop into my bedroom before that. And my mother said she just figured it out and suspected b/c she was my mother. She was waiting for me to feel comfortable to announce it. Now, my parents live out of town, so they never saw me pg, other than, ironically the few days after my positive beta b/c I was home for fathers day.

Phew, sorry that got so long.

I have always wondered how your parents were in your time of need. I'm glad that they were supportive when you needed it most. I'm lucky to have a mom that encouraged us to keep trying and not go the adoption route or give up. It helped me tremendously, so I know it was added stress not to be able to talk with them. When I had to notify my mom of previous BFN, she would mourn for us and would stay at her place in bed for a week. She has been fighting sadness since the loss of my dad, going on 8 years now. So, I know that was so difficult for you and you were looking forward to telling them good news. I am not surprised that your brother and mom knew you were expecting. I look forward to reading success and good news from you again soon. Giving in is not an option.

Take care and many hugs.

Hugs Newbie,
You are not alone. I second the poster above who recommended a therapist. During my final OE IVF attempt, I had such a bad anxiety attack that I wound up in the hospital. My RE recommended a therapist who had lots of experience working with women dealing with infertility. She was a godsend! She helped me through that cycle (failed), helped me deal with the baggage I was carrying around regarding my 5 previous MCs and helped me when I finally realized that DE was the best choice for me. I saw her up until the week my DD was born.

It sounds like your mom loves so much that she doesn't want to see you in pain. It is understandable, but you still need an outlet. You can vent as much as you want here. We've been through it all. But I can't speak highly enough of the wonderful therapist that helped me through this process.

Scrapfoo

And a good movie. And some acupuncture, if you can manage it. Not being flip, just think you'd benefit from major self-care about now. Hang in there! Maggie (in VA)