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Anyone have a husband reluctant to do DE?

May 13 2011 at 4:12 PM
SilverBelle  (no login)

Hi there. I've been lurking on this board for quite a while, and I'm deeply touched by how supportive everyone is of each other. I'm coming here with a dilemma I hope isn't unfamiliar to you all.

My DH is opposed to DE. On one hand, I think he believes adoption is a walk in the park, and while I can be pretty simple for some, I know it can get tricky: Lengthy waits, unforeseen costs, birthparents changing their mind etc. On the other, he really doesn't want to have a child that's "half his" and "not at all mine." I personally don't care at this point--I would simply like to be a mother, and the biological stake doesn't bother me at all. I know I'd love a child that had none of my DNA whether it was adopted or born to me through DE.

Did any of you have a DE-resistant partner? And if so, could you tell me what was involved in him changing his mind? Any tips/stories would be very much appreciated!

Thank you in advance.

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mine resisted and then got excited about it

May 13 2011, 4:31 PM 

He was resistant but I knew him well enough to know that he would get over it....

I married you to have kids with you...blah blah blah

I want our children to look like you too..yada yada yada

Once I started showing him pictures of girls and similarities to me, he started to warm up. Once we decided on a donor and moved forward, he actually got excited. That is the most positive I have seen him in a long time about any of our IVFs. Unfortunately, I have to give him the bad news that I had a chemical. We still have three on ice so at least we have that.

Long and short of it..he will definitely get over it. Just make up your mind and move forward with him grumbling a little.

Hell, my sister's husband was completely against having a child until he bawled like a baby when he saw his son for the first time on the sonogram!!!

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Thanks, Chris

May 14 2011, 10:50 AM 

Your story helps me a lot--I like knowing they can come around at some point. Very sorry about the chemical PG & good luck to you on your frozens!

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Mine was (children ment.)

May 13 2011, 5:31 PM 

How to work on him & whether he will ever change his mind depends on numerous factors, of course, but a big one is why he is opposed.

My dh was like Chris's dh.

He was sad & angry about not having "our completely genetic child" He wanted a baby "with me," from my eggs, etc.

He was also very stressed about the money & depressed over our failed cycles & the need to do ivf at all, let alone DE ivf. OTOH, he was even less excited about adoption.

He did agree to go along with it b/c he knew our odds on our own were very, very slim so he was practical enough to agree b/c it was our best chance.

I was never worried it would be an issue in the end, but getting there was tough. He was very negative & would tell me not to expect him to be excited or to be happy, although he was referring to cycling, really, not a resulting child.

It took us 4 DE cycles for me to get pg., so you can imagine how happy & supportive he was by then. happy.gif He was truly terrified I'd lost my mind & would cycle forever until we were destitute.

But, from the moment I showed him a + hpt at 7dpo - our 1st BFP ever - he was over the moon. The love we have for our children is indescribable. It far exceeds anything either of us ever imagined & DE is not an issue at all. At all. It was just the decision making & the cycling that were tough. He managed to pick a fight just about every trip we made to our ivf clinic, & that's out of character for him.

So anyway, a long post to say yes, mine was not thrilled about it in general, although he did agree to go along with it. We have a 3 yr. old & a 1 yr. old now (same donor), & there is no question it was the right choice.

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Very inspiring, Ariadne!

May 14 2011, 10:51 AM 

Of course, after a failed OE IVF cycle that cost a fortune, I feel terrible (and worried about money), so to read that with a lot of determination and heart, you had success and your family is now very happy, I'm felling more hopeful. THANK YOU!

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Oh yes

May 13 2011, 7:36 PM 

He is pro-adoption and has no idea why I want to be pg and have a baby. Sees it as in his words "an unnecessary risk" (to me). Wants to xnsfer only 1 embie as he sees twins as a bigger unnecessary risk...it's a real drag. The more I talk about it,the more upset he gets, but he is willing to "do his part" (meaning he GETS how important this is to me, READ: I'll do it with or without him). I don't give him details on the donor or how things are progressing b/c it just upsets him.

Yet another disappointment after YEARS of IF....

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My heart goes out to you...

May 14 2011, 10:53 AM 

What you're saying sounds very familiar. (sigh) Especially the adoption = less risk part, which is true to a point, I guess, but still, that pull toward pregnancy and birth is strong.

I'm hoping he becomes fully invested for you soon--you deserve that. Good luck and thanks for posting.

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adoption ment.

May 13 2011, 10:01 PM 

My DH wanted to adopt, he did not want to do more IVF. We had done IVF with OE, and failed. He said it was time to adopt. I don't remember how I swayed him towards using DE. I did show him some statistics on the pregnancy rates and how they were much higher using DE. Our RE told him we had a 75% chance with the first IVF, that it would work. I think that all swayed him to decide that he would be on board to do it.

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This helps a lot, thanks!

May 14 2011, 10:57 AM 

I'm going to try the same--he may feel more comfortable seeing the high success rates, and who knows? We did OE IVF too, just once, and it didn't work, so I'm gun-shy on that, for sure. Not sure how many OE IVFs you did, but yes, there's a point where you want to move on and get that family built, you know?

Good luck and thank you very much for replying!

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(Login TheMzD)

DH was against it at first too

May 14 2011, 9:42 AM 

We had been using ART for 15 months with no luck, I was given the "poor responder- Donor Egg" speech and passed the information on to my DH. He was like Chris's husband:

I married the woman I want to have children with
I married the woman that I want my kids to be like


I dropped the issue. We were moving to Europe, so let the whole thing slide for a year, never mentioned it - I did bring up adoption, which he was not interested in (he was already raising my girls from my first marriage and didnt want to raise more kids not his own). After a year, he began asking questions about the donor egg process.

In the end - I was the one ready to give up after bfns with three fresh donor cycles and an FET from cycle #3 - DH wanted to try one more time, so we pulled out all stops and went to DS as well though there had been no indication anything was wrong with his. That fourth fresh cycle with DE/DS worked and gave us our little guy and on the FET from the same cycle, we are now 28wks with a little girl. DH is so in love with his boy and already looking at dollhouse plans for his little girl.

In the end, I didnt do anything to convince him - he just had to come to terms with it himself.

Good luck


" Some people built castles in the air. She constructed hers from mashed potatoes, which kept down demolition costs." Sarah Sloane, Borrowing Priviledges

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Holy Smokes! How wonderful!

May 14 2011, 10:58 AM 

Congrats on your success--you are a trooper, for real, for sticking to it. I don't know that my DH will come around to DE on his own, but I'm praying he will. Thanks so much for posting--it gives me some real hope in what feels like a dark time!

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(Login minniet)


May 14 2011, 12:05 PM 

It took me a long time to accept de, and then, when a close friend volunteered her eggs, I was allright with it. That did not work out, but it got me over my own hurdles..

But it took a lot for dh to come to peace with it. A lot. We got married with the explicit intention of wanting one another's children. To this day, he would prefer a boy, I think he imagines it would be hard to not see me in a girl...

I think the old adage that men are about 2 years behind in terms of acceptance is right on.

When we started looking at agencies, I selected a few girls, and we looked at their profiles for no more than 15 minutes at first, that was all he could take. His feedback and input has been invaluable, however.

And believe it or not, he actually is enthusiastic now.

After 7 years of failures, we have some hope...

I hope you and your dh can get there too. It is probably the most difficult thing in the world to face as a couple -- infertility.

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Re: Anyone have a husband reluctant to do DE?

May 14 2011, 1:33 PM 

Silverbelle , dh has been on board without any issues . But I wanted to tell you about my experience . For me the turning point was when my RE( who I trust completely) , mentioned that he had never seen a mother with DE be unhappy holding her baby.

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That is beautiful, Zaytune! (success mentioned)

May 14 2011, 2:04 PM 

And I think your RE is a pretty intelligent and insightful man.

It took a while for me to convince DH to continue. And especially since, like Kay, it took several tries before we found success.

In our case, I sat DH down and had a talk with him, telling him that he wasn't allowed to decide this. He could decide where we lived, how we lived, etc, (in his country, not mine...) but I would NOT let him decide how much to try in the pursuit to have children. I told him I understood that the stress was killing him and that I would take over from here. This started when we were still doing OE. I didn't even tell him when we were cycling unless there was a reason for him to know where to be, etc. (We had to do DE abroad because it's illegal here in Germany.). And somehow, it worked. He relaxed. (I'm still amazed.)

We had success with our 5th donor on our 6th transfer (one was an FET. 5 were fresh. 4 were so-called 'perfect.') Like Kay, we started using donor sperm and immune treatments after several failures. We transferred embryos from both DH's sperm and the donor sperm and do not know which embryo resulted in our child.

And he adores her.

I wish you luck. Maybe let him read the responses here.

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Very much so.

May 14 2011, 2:31 PM 

My husband had a very hard time getting comfortable with DE. He also did not fit well with our first clinic from a personality standpoint. But once the ball got rolling, his enthusiasm increased greatly. Wishing you all the best. PAH

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(Login jentenn)

more on this (adoption and ectopic ment.)

May 14 2011, 4:52 PM 

Let me just say that in nearly 2 years of infertility treatment, my DH and I have both been all over the map on this question. At first we told the RE that we did not want to consider DE or DS, as we both felt that if the child couldn't be "both of ours," we might as well adopt. After 6 failed IUIs (the first ending in ectopic pg), during which I responded poorly to the stims, our RE would have let us do IVF with my eggs, but she gave us a less than 5% chance. (I'm 43, DH is 37.) We wrestled with it a long time, and finally my DH said "Let's ask her again about donor egg." I felt like a door was open that had been closed. The RE really lit up when we asked her about it. DH still wanted to explore adoption, which we did, but we both were discouraged by the prevalence of open adoption (which we find problematic) and the difficulty of adopting a newborn (since I've realized it's important to me to have that connection early). We have not ruled out adoption for all time, but we finally went with a DE through our clinic. Long story short, we are now in the 2ww after a 5day transfer last Monday.

I would also strongly recommend that any couple going through infertility also work with a good therapist. We have a therapist whom we see both separately and together, and that has really saved us.

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Not against DE per se, but against more cycles (child ment)

May 14 2011, 9:46 PM 

When we married, dh and I agreed we wanted children. Once the IF madness started (we did 5 OE IVF cycles) he changed his tune. He was worried about me, about my mental state, and said he'd be happy with just the two of us. That was lovely but I wasn't giving up. It took us 4 donors to make our son, and although dh has never had an issue with DE itself, he really took issue with moving on to DE after all the drama of the IVF cycles. Then when the DE cycles started to not work out he was mortified that I wanted to continue. I was an emotional mess and he was so worried. He just wanted to move on. Anyhow long story short, he is so grateful I never gave up. His love for our son is like nothing I've ever seen. I will never forget the pride I saw in my dh's face when he first laid eyes on our boy. The two of them are best friends. So while DE was never an issue (he forgets all the time that we used DE,) the process was problematic to him. At the time it made me sad because I wished that having a child was more of a primal need for him. But everyone is different. There are so many stories on these boards, all of them unique, and all of them the same to some extent. I can say this much. I don't think I've ever read of a dh who regretted DE once the baby arrived. That's not to say that issues don't come up (some dh's can say some really dumb stuff!) but the love is there. HTH

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Re: Anyone have a husband reluctant to do DE?

May 15 2011, 9:48 AM 

I hope you dont mind me pipping in. I was wondering if there anre any women who are or were reluctant to do DE. My dh seems to be on board with it more than i am. My idea is to do every test and everything we can first. I should be feel so lucky that he is so willing.
Does anyone understand where im coming from.

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(Login jentenn)

Re: Anyone have a husband reluctant to do DE?

May 16 2011, 10:18 AM 

Yes, I can relate. (See my post above.) After 6 IUI cycles, I thought I wanted to try IVF with my own eggs, but the more statistics I read, the more hopeless it seemed--plus I felt worn out by the roller coaster and all the medications, monitoring, etc. We both also wondered if it was responsible to spend so much money on a slim chance. So, at a certain point, DE began to look good. I would say follow your gut, and definitely try other things first: your definition of "everything" may change at some point to "every reasonable thing," and that's different for every person/couple.

I wish you well!

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May 16 2011, 11:33 AM 

I can tell you that one thing that swayed my DH away from adoption (he was pro-adoption) was that we knew a couple who lost thousands of dollars trying to adopt from China, and they had waited 3 years. They decided to adopt domestically, and that cost more money and more wait time. I told him about their experience, and explained that adoption was just as financially risky as IVF. Its definitely not a walk in the park, and there are things about the adoption industry that I believe are exploitive.

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(Login Hopingsoon)

I did a lot of convincing... He was so not willing... baby ment

May 16 2011, 11:54 PM 

My husband did not want to hear of it. After many tears, I begged him to listen and understand that I felt this was better than adoption. I told him that this would be our baby that would grow in my body. He finally listened. He told me that he would do it, but for me not to ever mention it again. I found my donor and did all the work. He basically showed up to donate and we have never discussed it ever since. This so works for us. He has totally forgotten about using DE and swears that he came from my egg. He tells me all the time that he has my nose. It's very strange that he has the same exact birthmark I have on his foot. Sometimes it all seems strange, but I will take it anytime. I am so glad my eggs were broken, we have one of the greatest miracles ever. I hope that in time your husband comes around. Best of luck to you!!

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