Thanks for all the positive vibes to my last post. I am so very grateful to everyone for their kind words. Today I went back for my second beta. The nurse called and told me my numbers and I set up my first appointment with the doctor next week. I will have an u/s next week. It is very bittersweet for me b/c I of course want to see a progression but the images of my only other baby on the screen haunt me. The noise of the doppler and lack of noise on the doppler still make me cringe.

Lately when I look around when I go to get blood work, it makes me so sad to see all these woman having to go thru this. It really puts things in to perspective. I have been always like this but its so much more poignent now.

I'm so sorry for your loss. I'm routing for you and I know everyone else is as well. Good Luck!

I had two mc's before I got lucky with DS. Everytime I went for ultrasound I kept repeating in my head, this is going to be fine, think positive, this REALLY is going to be fine.... but as soon as they started the ultrasound I just thought, this is where they tell me its all over. Out the window with the positive thoughts right there and then.

But you know Newbie, it was fine, it was good news, it REALLY was. And I have a beautiful 4yr old son now. But the emotions I feel when someone like you post those words are so real to me, like it was only yesterday.

I agree it is shocking that so many women are going through this, but on the other hand I suppose we are lucky that medicine and technology have moved on to allow us to do so. Thats why we see so many in the waiting room now.

Try and enjoy your pregnancy Newbie. I know its hard, but you have worked hard to get here, so just savour every positive moment from now right through to a happy and healthy birth of your baby.

Hugs to you

Aoife

I don't post much anymore but saw this thread and had to comment.
Congratulations on your BFP and betas.
My story sounds very similar to Aiofe1's -- 2 m/c's before my DS, the second one with tricky betas from the start.

I too had flashbacks at every u/s, even after I passed the points of my losses.

On my successful pregnancy, I explained my back story to every u/s tech and my peri's office and instructed them to say "baby with a heartbeat" as soon as they looked at the u/s. Then I could relax and listen to what they say and let them do all the gliding around. If I hadn't said this, I'd be on pins and needles while they're looking at all angles and measurements when I really first needed to hear that my baby was still with me.

Here's to an uneventful pregnancy and full arms by this time next year.

GIMB

find yourself just as easily on the other side of the IF fence. like the previous 2 posters, I too had a history of m/c's, 5 to be exact, spanning over a decade. pulling into the hospital parking lot used to make me sick, let alone all the testing, results, and U/S's that went along with every disappointing ending to those 5 lost pgs. then, one day it worked, has worked now, and I will deliver twins very shortly. healthy twins, and a pg that has resulted in every test, and every u/s, and my own progress coming back with flying colors. I AM experiencing a healthy pg for the first time in my life after a decade of ttc and all the incredible heartbreak, doubt, fear, depression, and etc....that went along with it.

personally I embraced it. the beginning was shocking and hard to believe that an attempt was going in our favor, but once we got a couple of months into it, I let it go and stopped worrying. I was SO ready to, to just enjoy being pg. I made up my mind that it WAS possible that we could be successful and to date, we have been. push yourself, challenge yourself to let go of doubt and grief and experience something new, it's a wonderful thing to be happy...and I wish that for you and every other ttc-er.

GL!

n/t

I have that too--kind of a PTSD reaction to things associated with my mc's and fertility failures.

I even switched Drs because of the memories of getting that horrible ultrasound you describe.

I wonder if you have ever had a traumatic experience in your early childhood--sometimes, if you have, you will be more prone to those kind of associative reactions in high stress situations.

Yoga is a huge help to me w/ this kind of situation. But any calming practice--deep diaphragm breathing, meditation--can settle the mind somewhat and reduce that stress reaction.

Sending you good thoughts. We're all pulling for you!

(I didn't think I had to put in the warning because it is in the first post and so therefore the topic of the conversation but I did just in case.)

Hm, I don't know, I would say I don't think so for the PTSD but you never know. I almost drown when I was small.

I just have this uncanny ability to remember smells,sounds, and pictures or things like that, which I can associate both positive and negative things in life. I just dread that stupid doopler, we are not friends. But I shall conquer it.

Wishing you a happy and healthy pregnancy!

I know that a part of you is quite hopeful and happy, but there's that part of you that is in a place of doubt. I know that from the m/c that I had before we had our ds. It's as if you don't want to get too happy or relaxed, because that's when the "other shoe" could fall. I know it's hard to do, but you have to be gentle with yourself and allow yourself to be happy without the guilt of your m/c stealing your joy. Yes the thoughts may creep in, but you have to really speak to yourself and say that this is a different situation, you are in a different place, and your outcome is going to be different.

I am so happy for you and can't wait to hear the great results of your u/s!